To not buy my spoilt niece a birthday gift?

[BumFluffle]

Niece is turning 6 next week, her mother is my sister. N is an only child and is absolutely spoilt rotten by her parents and two sets of grandparents, and I promise I'm not exaggerating. She has a holiday home (the 5 year old), 2 of everything (never understood why) and gets whatever she wants, which is an awful lot. For example, when I got engaged, N wanted my diamond ring. Next day, N has a REAL diamond necklace cos they couldn't find a diamond ring small enough to fit.

I'm not particularly comfortable (financially) and have no DC of my own but have always tried to get her nice gifts. Often my sister will send me a link to the exact gift N wants and then expect smaller gifts to go with it. My problem is though that neither of them appreciate the gifts.

For example, last year I bought N a beautiful set of classic fables. It literally got tossed on the floor with no thank you's from either. Then we were out shopping a few months later when my sister saw the set for sale for a hefty price, only then did she decide to take them down from the top of the wardrobe, covered in dust, and actually read them to N. For Christmas I got her a crystal set that N was apparently desperate for (), upon opening it she proceeded to stamp on it. My sister regularly shares stories with me of 'awful, cheap gifts' others have dared to give her DD and she clearly expects a lot from ppl.

So, i quite frankly don't want to add this spoilt behaviour. I want to quickly get out of the habit of her expecting things from me and I know if I get her a (in her eyes) lesser gift, it will cause drama and if I get her no gift it will cause drama but I just don't want to. AIBU to just give a card?

Just to add, I've also tried taking her out as a treat (on top of the gifts) and she has acted incredibly bratty on every outing, demanding everything in sight. So I don't want to do that again.

I did sometimes wonder what my bratty nephew's teachers might think and when he would take responsibility for his actions but it wasn't my problem OP.

Instead I distanced myself because he was a right fucking pest and there was nothing I could do. Luckily he has turned into a likable 29 year old man.

Your niece was very badly behaved to throw your present on the floor. If someone had done that to me, I think twice about buying her another present. From now on I advise getting her what her mum asks, within reason, or putting £5-£10-£20 in a card. Do not give vouchers.

I certainly wouldn't buy her a passive aggressive present to provoke the same response. That's just a waste of money and pathetic behaviour unbecoming of an adult.

She is six. How old are you?

If you send an Oxfam gift at least your money will have done something positive😉

It difficult not to react to a badly behaved child - why would you go out of your way to be in their company? Some children are delightful - funny - even when tired and grumpy -

No doubt your sister will know how others react to her and thinks "things" make her happy - but they aren't!!

Has she not worked this out yet? Has anyone told her? How does your mom react to her DGD - or indeed her DD (DSis)

I think I would do a voucher/ book token every year and if questioned by your dsis then say what you in your earlier post...

I'm fed up of putting time and effort into gifts that aren't appreciated and I never get thanked for. At least then they can get what they want and you don't get the stress.

I think I would do a voucher/ book token every year

But why? The child appears to be uninterested in books and may not want a voucher from the place you give it. Give the present the sister says, money or nothing.

lighthouse well I did question what she would want with a crystal set but my sis said she didn't want anything else (other than the billion gifts others were getting her). When I gave her if she was heavy handed with it so my sis said she'd have to put it on a high shelf as it was 'for looking at not for touching', N flew into a tantrum, pushed it off the table and stamped on it. My sister told her off, at which point N cried so sis said she could pick something different.

limited as you have asked twice now, I can confirm I am not six. Being passive aggressive is unbecoming I suppose but it would bring me endless joy thinking of my sister having to put up with a terribly played trumpet day in and day out so I'm afraid I just can't take the high ground, as much as I should.

A teacher has spoken to my sis about N doing things like not sharing and damaging things but sis said it was the schools job to teach her. I don't think our parents or other GPs would ever say anything, it's far too difficult a subject. Both sets of GPs get everything on the lists they're given and usually aren't there to see her open it.

Your experience seems very familiar to mine OP. But it's not just not your job to worry about things like how your niece behaves in school and what the outcome might be, it's just not worth it.

As I said: at six my nephew was a brat. More than 20 years later he isn't. My sister is and always shall be a cunt.

My genuine advice is to get your niece a present off your sister's approved list or give her some money in a card. Or don't. It really is pointless trying to teach anyone a lesson. In time, you might find that your niece agrees with you. That's what happened to me, though he doesn't say it in front of her. If not, well, what can you do?

If you don't see your niece very often, she might act up for you, especially if it's usually big events you do see her, parties / exciting trips etc.

Anyhow. I would send her tickets to see a film with her mum and a friend, as someone else suggested, if you don't want to send a "thing" present, and you don't want to spend time with them.

You know, I spoil my soon to be 9yo DD a lot of the time. She's my only and her dad takes nothing to do with her, so I do indulge her a bit. But hand on my heart, she is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet. She's very emotionally aware and cares about people a lot. She's always polite and well mannered, and her face just lights up on birthdays and Christmases, not just because of the gits, but because people have remembered her and she really takes that to heart - it means a great deal to her. You get back what you put in with children. I may spoil my little girl, but hell would freeze over before I ever raised a brat. I feel incredibly sorry for your niece. At the rate she's going, parents won't want their children spending time with her, children won't like or want to play with her and she'll grow up to be an entitled nightmare that people need to suffer. You DSis is doing her such an awful disservice

If I were you OP, I would work out what I could afford budget wise and hit The Works website. They do some really lovely books and arts and crafts things at discounted prices. They do some amazing deals on book box sets that would be an eye watering amount in WHSmiths. For a six year old girl, I'd recommend something like Beatrix Potter, Roald Dahl or some children's classics. Throw in a nice colouring book and a set of pencils, stick a tenner in a card and just be done with it. Jeez. My DD would be DELIGHTED with a present like that. If DSis has an 'opinion' on the gift, you simply say, "I bought what I believed to be a lovely gift that was within my budget. If it doesn't meet with your grand approval, that's your issue to address, not mine. Should I take your ungratefulness to mean I should send nothing in future?"

I really feel for you in the situation, OP. I would hate it if my sister felt this way about my DD. It would rip me to pieces. for you.

My DD would be DELIGHTED with a present like that.

So bugger what the OP's niece might like.

Very true, limited, it isn't my place to try to change her behaviour but at the same time I don't want to just be another person around her adding to it so I'm definitely going to go 'off list' but will get her something so as not to cause any conflict. And I'm afraid it will at least contain glitter as a small act of PA.

Thank you for that post Vino, I like that response for when my sis inevitably asks why I haven't bought her an expensive list gift.

The book of fables was sort of on her list, she'd asked for one or two of them as a smaller gift to go with the big gift which was a SECOND dolls house to keep at her GPs' house so she didn't have to share toys with the other grandchildren. It was v expensive so I just went for the book collection as something she could keep forever.

I would take her out to the fair. One where you get a wristband and can go on as many rides as you like. There's only really food to buy then so not too expensive and I think the bonding time would be good for you both. You don't sound too keen on her which is partly understandable due to the way she behaves but that isn't actually her fault and I'm sure she has some good qualities as well.
I also think that if your sister isn't going to speak to her about how her behaviour/attitude impacts others then you and other family members need to. I wouldn't hesitate to have a word with a friends child who was deliberately breaking things so I certainly wouldn't shy away if it was a family member. Not your job maybe but the child needs guidance from somewhere and it doesn't look like its going to come from your sister.

The child appears to be uninterested in books and may not want a voucher from the place you give it. Give the present the sister says,

I really do wonder if some people actually grasp the issue -

Let's see DSis insists on very expensive gifts even though DD is ungrateful - destroys gifts- never says thank you and already has two of everything - unwanted gifts are automatically replaced by something the child might prefer - if she sees something she likes it appears without question -

So how does not buying a gift OP can't afford - but giving a gift she can - thereby DD receives a gift which she has no concept of value monetary or otherwise make the OP in the wrong and should appease her demanding sister? After all the child still has a gift - just not the one DSis demanded -

There's only really food to buy then so not too expensive

The gift shop photos, candy floss, ice creams,teddy bears, these places only survive on child pester power

I used to give my nieces and nephews, all under 10, £50 for birthdays. I stopped when I got a stroppy email from DB saying I needed to give them more and he and his DP sent one of the kids whose birthday was impending up to me at a family event to ask for more money.

I think ice cream and candy floss are food sally ;). The fairs I'm thinking of oop north don't have much in the way of toys/photos etc.... possibly balloons but anyway the op could set a clear budget for spends and help introduce her neice to the idea that while she may get whatever she likes from mummy the rules are different with aunt Bumfluffle!
Another thing that could be good would be something like Go Ape if they had something like that for her age or climbing or something.

ABC I am flabbergasted!! It's like a kid version of the wedding cheque thread

Seriously, £50 is very generous indeed for an under-10, even a well-off one. (I spend about £20-25 at the very most on family children; about £5-10 on friends' children or DD's friends. I think that's probably about normal in MN terms?) Asking for more money is appalling!!

Get her a small gift that you can afford and personally chose for her, Her parents are being rude but thats not the childs fault. Its attitude that spoils a child not what you buy them or dont buy them. The thought and love behind a small personally chosen gift might help her wheras not buying her a gift to express your anger towards her mother will just add to her problems.

A six=year-old with a holiday home is one of the funniest things I've read on here.

How about getting her this T-shirt?

I would go with the PPs who have suggested giving her the gift of an outing with you. She is only 6 so no matter how spoilt and entitled she might be when she is with her parents she can learn that when she is with her auntie things are different.

To be fair to her she is much too young to understand the relative value of gifts. A child of that age cannot possibly understand that a small diamond is a 'better' present than a gaudy crystal tiara from Clare's Accessories. All the judging is coming from her parents and you don't have to subscribe to it.

Set a tradition - her gifts from you will be a matinee seat at a local theatre with coffee and cake after or a trip to the circus or a private picnic on the beach or the two of you going on a train trip somewhere ....the options are endless and you will be giving her time and attention and those are priceless.
If you think her mum and dad will resist the idea give the gift in the form of a personalised voucher in her card - as soon as she can read she will be clamouring to claim her gift.

The OP has already done the Special Trip - the sister didn't like what she had chosen so went with a more expensive option (the zoo) and then the niece demanded all manner of things while they were there - so it became a very expensive day out. If the OP puts her foot down and says "this is my budget, we can go to X, Y or Z", chances are the sister will still not be happy and it will result in the OP feeling that they are ungrateful swines.

I'd just put some money or a voucher in an envelope and be done with it. As long as the OP marks the occasion in some way and is present in her life, that's the most important thing. Sod all this worrying about whether the present is PA or not, or whether it meets Tallulah-Belle's expectations.

The child appears to be uninterested in books and may not want a voucher from the place you give it. Give the present the sister says, money or nothing.

This was what I suggested to the OP CodyKing. The last two options must have fallen off when you quoted me, fretting that some people weren't grasping the issue. Don't worry, we all make mistakes.

Giving her a book by Roald Dahl might backfire, considering that this child could come straight out of a Roald Dahl book ... where she'd be one of the negative characters who get punished in the end.

Though I have to admit I might give her something by Roald Dahl simply to see whether she has the self-awareness to even notice that the author wouldn't have liked her.

J. K. Rowling has famously said that she based Gilderoy Lockhart on a real person but that there's no danger he'd know because he's so arrogant he'd be sure he was the inspiration for Dumbledore.

I definitely wouldn't keep buying nice presents for someone who didn't appreciate them or say thank you!

Tenner or a voucher in a card, if your sister questions it, tell her your niece never appreciates the gifts you get so you're not bothering any more.

Love the idea of the Roald Dahl book .