To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

[MrsAlexis87]

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

That's disgusting.

Your husbands behaviour too.

Id cut her some slack actually. She's only just met her and I don't think you have the same bond with children you have not met. She's perhaps pushed the thought she has DS to the back if her mind and now it's very real. She needs time to come to terms with it.

Let her take two to London, three would be a bit much and the three year old us a little young. Organise some time for her to see DD2 on her own perhaps.

She's lovely. What a cutie.

Now, your husband... He needs to man the fuck up and be a bloody parent. If a child (any child) can't rely on their father to be in their corner then who else does he expect to be?

He needs to protect her and keep her feeling loved, cherished and safe. And letting his own mother exclude her is a terrible thing to do.

She would never see any of my children again. What a fucking bitch

DH needs to get his act together for your DD's sake. It sounds like he hasn't bonded as well with her as with your older two. Some councelling might be a good idea.

As to MIL, I think it would depend on what she'd been like before this. If she was a loving grandma to the other two and generally nice then I might be prepared to give her a chance to start again. I'd tell her that she absolutely would not be seeing her grandchildren at all unless she could treat them all equally, and point her in the direction of some information on down syndrome to help her get a better grip on things. Then, if she wants to try, start slowly with skyping before letting her visit again.

On the other hand, if she's always been a bit of a bitch I'd be happy to just cut her out permanently.

I think attitudes like this from older people, while disgusting, are easier to understand. My DH's grandparents were horribly racist, though apparently very nice otherwise. Lots of older people are still very homophobic. In the 50s and 60s it was still very common for babies born with disabilities to be sent to live in institutions.

I'm not excusing her at all, I'm saying I might give her a chance to change her ways, but it would have to be a massive turnaround, no half measures. I do think it's possible, if she'd get over her fear and get to know your DD who couldn't love that gorgeous little face?!

In case it's relevant, I have a hereditary disability. Some people have suggested to me I shouldn't have had children, I always ask them if they think I shouldn't have been born, they don't seem to have an answer to that. (just in case someone wants to accuse me of okaying disability predjudice).

If your MIL is given permission to treat your DD differently your other children will pick up on it too - what message does that send them? Thats it ok to treat her differently? Or they might reject your MIL - kids have an great sense of fairness in my experience.

Either way your MIL needs to put right back in her box - you are a family of five.

MN never fails to amaze me that even in this thread, people will sit on the fence or gallop into the other side.

Your mother in law is a complete and utter cunt. There's no two ways about that, no excuses for her behaviour. I'd be telling her she had no rights to see any of my children and that she could gtfo all of our lives.

Your husband either needs some serious help or a serious kick up the arse. But his current behaviour isn't acceptable either, nor are the words that have spewed forth from his mouth.

" She's only just met her and I don't think you have the same bond with children you have not met."

She's not "not bonding", she's outright fucking rejecting her!

OP I have skim read all the posts but not sure if she is still with you?
If she is - I think you need to start setting a clear boundary now, that you will not tolerate any difference in treatment right now, with the gc.

Ie, doesnt matter if she has already booked tickets etc, she is NOT taking any gc to wax museum.

" dear Mil I am very sorry but I cant let you take only two of your three gc to the museum I am sorry your having a hard time adjusting to the fact your third has a disability but the best way to get over it ,is to get to know her. When you feel you can do this, let me know, until then, I cannot stand by and allow you to treat them differently, I do hope you can understand. As you can imagine, I am struggling to accept my daughters own grandmother rejecting her. "

I am also going to go slightly against the grain here. I understand her shock, and also not knowing what to do really. Some people dont find it easy to know how to relate to people with disabilities.

My own DB had DS op, and I have spent a life time, seeing those that can easily relate, those that do not want to even try, and those who are quite shy, and not sure what to do. All you can do - is set a clear boundary, either she tries with her or she gets none at all. Same with DH, no arguing, wrangling - simple clear message - all three or none at all, you cannot allow her to be treated differently. Its not going to make your mil explode if she simply tries.

My DM also had this by the way with her MIL, who was a crude and crass woman! They didnt see her very often just short visits.

Your DD is utterly beautiful!

Your DD is a beautiful pickle!
Your MIL is an ignorant and cruel twat.
Your DH is a disgrace.

My MIL was a legend in Mumsnet, but yours take the prize.

If I could suggest something it would be:

• Don't be afraid to put a stop at this. If your husband is the type that won't upset his own mother, your marriage has a better likelihood to survive your MIL's antics if you don't let the situation gradually erode your relationship. He should be sorting his mother, but if he can't/wouldn't YOU do it. Your DD is not to be discriminated by anyone, regardless of the situation between her dad and his mother.

• Remember that "the hand that rocks the cradle, is the one that holds the power". Putting aside negative meanings attached to this phrase by a very scary movie, this phrase is true. You don't have to go blazing your guns at her or get your husband involved, sometimes forgetting you were going to put the kids in Skype and stopping picking up the phone when she calls is more than enough, especially if she is already not happy about traveling so far to see her grandchildren.

• if everything fails, spell it out as it is to her. If she changes => the door is open, if not => she can go and f&@& herself

Good luck!

"we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter"...

There's just no coming back from this. There isn't. She is vile and he agrees, plus, he's clearly decided he won't defend your daughter in any way.

They can both go and be very happy with each other. Your daughter doesn't deserve these sorts of people in her life.

First post I've ever read that has literally made my blood boil. What a disgusting vile piece off work she is !!! I'm sorry but your husband should be as outraged as you ! Really can't add anything else.

My dd has Down syndrome as well I have 3 kids.
At the age your dd is she was easy and loved doing the things we did all together. She's a teenager now so life isn't as easy but at that age I would no way accept what is going on.
Your husband needs to grow a set of balls as if he won't protect her from the outside world no one will and you mil needs to fuck right off . How dare she! That's her flesh and blood .
I'm furious for u x

Awww she's adorable, cute little blondie. Your MIL will miss out on such a sweet little GC.

Wow, she is a horror and so is her son!

I would print this thread and show it to your husband, I can't believe he is not fighting the corner for your DD, so sad for you.

yes you may have to get used to outsiders not including your daughter .but never your own family .its all or nothing my youngest son is autistic and he is an equal part of this family .tell her to fuck off simple and if hubby dont like it tell him the same .if she mentions a trip to oldest two children say you can go if your sister goes .i used to tell my boys they were like the three musketeers one for all not i will have the normal two ..

She is beyond gorgeous! Defend her right to be treated and respected exactly the same as her brother & sister. She deserves it. Text mil. 'Sorry you are struggling. Unfortunately our three children come as a package. If and when you feel you can love them the same, we shall arrange a day out. Until then, take care'

You don't "need to get used to people rejecting" your wonderful daughter. Not at all.
You need to defend her against people trying to reject her simply because of her Down's Syndrome. And if those people include family, then so be it.

I'm so cross on your behalf - not bringing her gifts, and leaving her out? It's actually heartbreaking, the poor thing...

I'd also worry that things like that would be confusing for all the children and has the potential to be divisive amongst the siblings - sending the older two a message that it's ok to exclude her.

*When I say "so be it", I mean I'd cut them off, even if they're family - not accept their rejection, hopefully that was clear.

What a cunt your MIL is. Your H isn't much better either. I couldn't put up with that.

MrsAlexis87 my heart is breaking for you & your little girl what a vile piece of work your MIL is!

Tbh not exactly sure what to say to that, I mean where do you start??
I'd completely ban contact for her with all your kids and as for your 'D'H.. well there's just no words to describe him!! Not sure I could stay with a man who would not protect and care for his DC with all his being.. he needs to grow a set and stand up to his wicked mother!

All your kids are very lucky to have a wonderful mum like you who will defend and protect them, I really do feel for you..
Sending you big hugs

Tbf I didn't take my youngest to MT when we went, it's not great for pre-schoolers. However, that's not the point is it, it's the "I'll just stick to the two grandkids". Um, no you won't. It's three or none!