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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

250 replies

MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 20:17

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 21/05/2016 13:16

Ahhh what a little cutie pie! How could anyone reject her?

we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter" (and accepting it).

People unfortunately will sometimes reject her. But your husband needs to realise that's exactly WHY you shouldn't accept it. He needs to step up and fight for his little girl. You can't control other people's attitudes but she, and her siblings, need to know that your little family unit is strong, loving and 100% accepting of her (indeed of all your kids) just as they are.

As for mil, a calm text back with 'we are a unit, you take all or none of them. We won't accept dd being isolated or excluded. When you can accept that we will be happy for you to see the kids.'

obviouslymarvellous · 21/05/2016 13:19

Maybe we could have a whip round and send her back abroad Winkseriously though what a nasty vile woman with some serious hangups. Tell her to get lost and go no contact and tell the hubby to grow a pair xxx

happyhearts7 · 21/05/2016 13:29

MrsAlexis87 To follow on from my last post, I've just seen the photo of your little girl, she's an absolute sweetheart Star
I believe all children are a precious gift..you're a very lucky lady as I'm sure you know and your MIL is a cold hearted, wicked being who doesn't deserve contact with any of your kids!!
Oh I am so cross Angry

More Flowers Flowers for you.

coconutpie · 21/05/2016 13:36

Your MIL is a nasty, vile piece of shit. Your DD is beautiful and so precious Flowers Tell MIL she can fuck right off and she'll never be seeing you or ANY of the DC ever again.

dowhatnow · 21/05/2016 13:44

Just thank your lucky stars that she lives abroad and don't have to put up with her fuckwittery nearby.

I guess she can't help the way she feels but she sure as hell can help the way she acts.
I hope Dh sees the damage it could do all three children if they are exposed to this attitude.

I'd also stand back a bit and let dh have a more active role in your dd's life. Observe and react if necessary. She needs both your protection- not just yours.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 21/05/2016 14:06

Your little girl is adorable. Just had to echo what others have said - your MIL is a horrible excuse for a grandmother and if I were in your shoes I certainly wouldn't have her around your beautiful little family any more.

ohtheholidays · 21/05/2016 14:10

Thankyou for sharing a picture of your lovely little girl.She is gorgeous OP,I showed my DH and I read what you'd written he's really sickened and angry with your MIL and your husband.

My DH's Mum used to work at a local school that was for children with extra needs and 2 of the little boys she'd look after after school as both of they're parents worked.Both of those little boys have down syndrome as well and they'd been adopted by they're lovely Mum and Dad.My DH has kept intouch with the boys for years,they're a few years younger than my DH and he's very protective of them,he's always treated them like they're his little brothers.

Honestly I promise you your MIL's and Husbands views are amongst the few now days,alot has changed over the years and things are getting better.
I had a friend with downs syndrome when I was growing up,he was an only child and alot older than me so he passed away quite a while ago but everyone in our road was friends with him and they were all very protective of him and that was along time ago.
You do find that kind of positive attitude alot more now OP you really do.

Both of our DC that are disabled have lots of friends and are constantly invitied to friends party's and days out with they're friends familys and both of our DC attend mainstream schools.
All of they're friends know that they're disabled and so do they're friends parents they're all very protective of our DC and so our they're teachers and schools.

I've found that if your positive about your DC and if your open and explain things if other children and adults ask that people learn to understand and they grow to care about your children or child as well.

Sunnybitch · 21/05/2016 14:18

Ive only read your first post so my apologies if this has been suggested but if I was you I'd tell her to get bk on a plane and FUCK OFF!!!

Then toast the fact you'll never have to see that vile thing again!

(Oh and we'll done for not smacking the shit out her)

pointythings · 21/05/2016 15:06

Your DD is adorable.

You need to lay down the law with your DH - his attitude isn't acceptable. Doesn't matter that he probably learned it from his poisonous and ignorant mother, he needs to change it, because if he does not he is a crap father. Simple as that.

And your MIL should not be seeing your DC again without a major change of heart and sincere, grovelling apologies.

aprilanne · 21/05/2016 15:53

MRS ALEXIS she is just gorgeous and dont let anyone tell you otherwise .

JammyGeorge · 21/05/2016 16:12

I'm speechless, I had to read the OP twice to try and take it in.

YADNBU what a selfish vile specimen.

I was all set to talk about how you make it clear it must be all 3 or none and no favouritism etc but I can't quite work out how you respond to that message and your DH's attitude.

Some things just can't be taken back and unsaid. The bastards, I'm furious for your DD and furious that they have hurt you so much. I hope they have woke up today reflecting on things and are thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 16:21

You have no choice IMO - the woman has 3 grandchildren who have to be treated equally - full stop and end of discussion. If she can't or won't do that then she has no grandchildren.
I'm astounded that your DH will allow this to happen with his children.
Take a firm stance with them both and protect your DCs, they come first.

sleeponeday · 21/05/2016 16:59

OP, your daughter is absolutely beautiful. I'm afraid we have had serious problems with ML over DS being autistic, though nowhere near as bad as your own (ours was denial, spite, and rage, and while some of the spite was aimed at DS it wasn't in the league of your MIL). It hurts, I know.

Imagine in the future your daughter in law has completely opposing political views to you and she feels as strongly as you do about a comment that you make. Does she have a right to decide whether or not to let you see her children ever again?

If I ever told a DIL that I was finding it hard to cope with a GC being black, and didn't want to see that child when visiting the white-passing ones, I would deserve NC. Yes. It would be the responsibility of that DIL to protect the child(ren) from me.

IMO home needs to be a sanctuary of safety and acceptance to a disabled child, even more than a non-disabled, because the world will be all too quick to send messages that the child is not worthwhile and deserves nothing that is good. A close relative sending those horrible messages should be cut off, because they will emotionally abuse the child, and also the siblings. Part of being a parent is protecting your child. The rights of a grandparent to see their selected "acceptable" GC is not more important than the rights of the children.

Ambroxide · 21/05/2016 18:42

This is just awful behaviour on your MIL's part. YANBU at all. Your daughter is beautiful - and in any case, even if she was the ugliest child in the world that would be no excuse!!

Familyof3or4 · 21/05/2016 18:59

Wow.
I would not want dc1 and dc2 to have contact because I would not want them to risk them learning that such a viewpoint of OK.

Familyof3or4 · 21/05/2016 19:01

Is ok. So cross at your MIL I forgot to preview my post for typos.

Headofthehive55 · 21/05/2016 20:29

They are all individuals. Therefore I think each has a right to have a chance if a relationship with their grandmother, even if you think her views are wrong. Keeping the door open may lead to her accepting her eventually. Some people say awful things and are very hurtful because they can't cope.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 21/05/2016 20:46

OP look at it this way. Your pitiful excuse for a mother in law will miss out by not having that lovely little girl in her life. And your other children too of course, seeing as it's all or nothing.

She's no grandmother.

And as you've been told, you need a serious chat with your husband about whether he chooses his family or his mother.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 21/05/2016 20:49

Your DD is utterly gorgeous.

Your MIL is a complete fucking cunt.

As for your DH, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

starryskies78 · 22/05/2016 16:09

Hi op, hope you are ok. This thread is so upsetting. How can a grandmother say she will just stick to two. It's horrible and heartbreaking. You need to stay strong on the three or none though I believe, as like others have said, it let's your other days think it's ok for her to be treated differently, when obviously it most certainly is not.

I think bornfree made good points on what to say to Mil. Maybe (though not likely judging on the type of person she is) she will look at it differently by saying," you're upset for your daughter that her grandmother is rejecting her"

Please stay strong, this is disgusting behaviour and looks like your beautiful DD needs you fighting her corner more than ever right now. I wouldn't know where to start in dealing with your DH. Sorry. It's just truly astonishing and shameful (his shame not yours).

TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother · 22/05/2016 16:26

I couldn't read and run (despite having nothing to add rather than WHAT A BITCH) without telling you that you have a beautiful daughter. I would be proud of her too.

MummyBex1985 · 22/05/2016 16:47

I am literally Shock reading this. What a vile human being.

I've had run ins with the in laws where DH hasn't supported me - the last time I made it clear that I would leave him if he didn't at least speak to his parents to get them to acknowledge their poor behaviour (he agreed with me just didn't want to rock the boat). Hmm anyway he now knows where we stand. Your situation is far worse but I think you need to let DH know his lack of support is completely unacceptable and that he'll be out of the door as well as MIL if he panders to that crap!

In other news, the photo of your DD is making me even brooder than I already am lol!!

spidey66 · 22/05/2016 16:59

I feel so bad for your baby, she's as much one of your kids as the others. How cruel.

spidey66 · 22/05/2016 17:06

PS I've just seen your picture, your daughter is cuteness itself. How could your heart not melt when you see her?

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 22/05/2016 17:12

Your daughter is lovely - she is so cute!!
Your MIL on the other hand is a massive massive bitch

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