To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

[MrsAlexis87]

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

Fucking hell, I hope hope hope hope hope this is a wind up

Your dd is utterly gorgeous

shiveringhiccup ok. But whilst you mentioned everyone else so it was obvious what your thoughts were on them - you didn't mention her. Hence, not obvious to me

Yadnbu she will face enough challenges in life without anyone making new ones and she needs her family to have her back 100%. Anyone who can't do that needs to not be in her life. She is gorgeous and will go far with a proud mama backing her to reach for the stars.

That should go for all kids. If everyone had family who taught them right from wrong, cared for them, loved them unconditionally and were behind them 100% the world would be a much happier place.

I have only skimmed this thread so sorry if I've missed anything.

Yanbu, she can't pick her gran children it's all 3 of none at all. How horrible for your DD especially as she gets older with your mil excluding her.

Your mil is nasty and could do with being educated on downs, and IMO your DH isn't much better with saying get use to people rejecting our daughter sounds like he needs to educated on downs as well. She needs her dad to be one of the people fighting society to not judge people based on downs and disabilities not just accepting certain people rejecting them

Oh and just saw the photo, how your mil can't melt to look at your DD I don't know

YANBU as someone who has gone no contact with my own in laws I can tell you that you won't regret it. It seems that our MIL's are both narcissists and I can tell you that as a family we are happier and that the stress she caused within my marriage has finally gone.

Your beautiful daughter is too pure, innocent and loving to be exposed to that monster. As for your husband, he needs to either man up and become the protector and champion that your daughter deserves, or he needs to join your MIL in her rented accommodation.

You are absolutely right to refuse this monster contact, she is toxic and the poison that she spreads would leak into your older children. The last thing you want is her creating a golden child and scapegoat out of your older children. You cannot allow your children to be treated differently, your youngest daughter would notice.

I am so angry and hurt on your behalf. I honestly cannot believe that your husband expects you to get used to your daughter being rejected. Has your husband shown any sign that he isn't supportive of your daughter in the past?

I'm torn on this. Obviously for a grandma to reject a child is a horrible thing to do and I really do feel sad about it. And your husband needs a kick in the backside for being so crass and unsupportive.

But, I also think a little bit of understanding might be in order. Our daughter has a disability and I'll be honest, I know some of the members of my family had some trouble coming to terms with it. They don't always think before they speak or act and it can be hurtful, but I know they are good people and bear no malice. One very close relation to our girl had a very hard time indeed accepting her disability. They were fine with her before we knew but after the diagnosis, there was a clear withdrawal by them. They didn't know how to deal with it, how to interact with her (even though she was no different than before). Any interaction was clumsy and short lived, it was awful to watch. However, because this person is someone whom I love and trust dealrly, I didn't turn my back on them or refuse access. I chose to give them some time to come to terms with it, to get used to it - just as we had needed - and now, this person is very much a part of her life and loves her to bits.

Perhaps it was easier for me to accept because I didn't have two other children who were favoured, it was definitely easier because it wasn't an inlaw, but I just couldn't have taken the action of turning my back on them.

Your MIL has been honest. (Unfortunately brutally so). Maybe agreeing to meet her face to face, just you and her for an open discussion would be one solution. Whatever her actions, it is a cold, cold person who does this without a care and if someone is so keen to build a relationship with her grandchildren, I find it hard to believe she isn't hurting about it.

She isnt though foo. She is outright rejecting and ignoring one of her grandchildren. If you have members of your family who do that to your child and you let them within 100 miles of her.....well, there are no words.

This thread is really upsetting. Your MIL's behaviour is nothing short of monstrous. How can she not see that? And your H is not doing his job as a father, he needs to grow a backbone. I am so sad for your DCs, your DD2, poor little sweetheart, and the others too, it must be so confusing for them. Your MIl doesn't get to 'just stick with the two grandchildren' FGS, what does she think she is doing?

Something happened in my family many years ago, before I was born. Would have been in the 1940s probably, or early 1950s. My great aunt had three children and one of them was born apparently NT, but as he grew it became apparent that he had problems (it's hard to tell now, and I don't know if he was ever diagnosed, but possibly severe autism or some kind of learning difficulty). When the little boy was about 8 or 9 he was sent away to a 'home' many miles from his actual home, and his parents would visit him only rarely. His father, a successful businessman, removed his photograph from family albums. The boy died in that institution before he was 18, apparently from pneumonia.

I only met my great uncle once or twice when I was a very young child. Since finding out this story in recent years I find it hard to think of my great uncle as anything other than a monster. Yet I suppose he was only doing what a lot of people would have thought the best thing to do at the time, encouraged by medical professionals - ie put the child away somewhere and forget about them.

But that was more than 60 years ago, and I really thought we had all moved on from that mindset.

She needs to get therapy if necessary and sort out her attitude completely. Only then would I allow her to have contact with the DCs again.

It must be so hard for you to deal with OP, especially as you are not getting the backup you should be from your H. You are clearly a very loving and caring mother.

Are there any support organisations for parent of children with special needs that you could talk to, who might be able to give you support and suggest a way forward?

I'm in shock that anyone could look at your DD and think anything other than just how adorable she is, OP! Especially her own family member - just utterly unforgivable.

You both deserve so much better than the disgusting behaviour your MIL has shown towards you, and if your DH can't recognise that, then quite frankly he's on the same level as his mother.

For you and your beautiful DD, OP .

She's beautiful op!
Sorry if that was me that vile witch would not ever be seeing those kids again, ever.
I'd also lose some respect for my dh if he said that.
You are not in the wrong at all.
Your dh needs to work out what his priorities are.
Usually i'm rather balanced with disputes, but in this case she can fuck off and him too if he doesn't stick up for his child.
My dh would go mad if that was us.
Nothing wrong with your little one. there's nothing to 'get used too' apart from her cuteness!

She's a gorgeous wee thing. One word of caution, you may want to get the photo removed as my Daily Fail radar tells me that they may love this story. We wouldn't recognise her from the photo but your friends and family may. She is so precious and your MIL and DH do not deserve her.

YANBU - what a pair of cunts.

I'm so sorry OP.

She's probably too young to understand now, but if this continues she will understand eventually and how a human being could do that to anyone, let alone their own family is beyond me.

Your MIL is a total disgrace and your DH needs a swift hoof up the arse.

You are not at all BU . Don't let either of them bully you otherwise.

What an utter bitch! I have a mate at work with DS. His parents are very supportive and he's a contributing member of society who pays his tax and insurance same as everyone else, goes for a drink after work with the rest etc. and has a wide range of interests and friends out of work too. Has the same aspirations. He's in no way a lesser citizen. He has a pretty high level of security clearance too actually- in fact he'd probably tell your mil to take a hike in very choice terms.

She is utterly adorable. I'd tell your husband that all your DC come first and he MUST defend all of them. If he isn't willing to do that he can go and live with MIL until he gets his head out of his arse - I think it was just a reactionary comment as he was probably shocked by what his mum had said and trying to justify it so that she was still his 'lovely' mum not an evil bitch.

In any case MIL needs to be told to fuck off and if DH isn't on side he can go live with her until he realises she's being an evil twat

Your mil is the lowest of the low. Cut her lose. I'd have nothing to do with her after that. She's disgusting.

YADNBU
She sounds vile, so sorry that you are having to deal with this
I agree with pp that you have a husband problem too. Its his mother, he should of set her straight!

She is horrific! Cut her off. How dare she treat your littlest any differently. Your husband needs to support you too, and support his little daughter against this sort of hideous treatment. I'm really sorry you've had to put up with this

Your daughter is so gorgeous. It is your MILs loss that she will never have the privilege of loving her. I have worked with so many children and adults with DD and I have always found them to be among the kindest, funniest, most caring and loving people I've had the honour to know. You do have a tough journey ahead and you need you Dh to step up to the mark and fight for your daughter (and you). I would absolutely not let your MIL have contact with any of you DC until she is ready to love them all. I would also be heartbreakingly disappointed in your DH and reassessing whether this was a man I wanted in my life. So sorry you don't have his support.

DS not DD

Adding to the almost unanimous chorus of your mil is a fuckwit. Truly vile woman.

Your dh needs to back you up.

First of all you need to deal with DH and make him realise how absolutely unacceptable it is for him to accept his mother's behaviour on this. Show him the thread if needed.

Then I would be responding to the Mil's text saying that whilst dd may have slightly different needs, she needs and deserves the same love and treatment from her family as her siblings do and that it's important she uses this opportunity while she is here to spend quality time with dd and get to know her. Tell her you are here to talk to and help if she is struggling to deal with any of your dd's extra needs but you absolutely will not allow her to be treated unfavourably by her grandparents and that it's all or nothing. Either she accepts all of her grandchildren or she walks away and the relationship is severed.