Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

250 replies

MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 20:17

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

OP posts:
glasgowlass · 20/05/2016 23:06

Oh OP. Your daughter is just beautiful.

Your MIL is a total cuntface. I'd actually send your husband to stay with her at her rented place. He is being a twat.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/05/2016 23:08

Shame on your dh for not standing up for his daughter. She's lucky to have you. I think I would be taking all of the kids away for the duration of mils visit, exceptional circumstances. I'd be leaving dh behind to keep her company. You sound like a great Mum Flowers pity mil wasn't, she may have raised her son better.

FlowersAndShit · 20/05/2016 23:09

She's beautiful OP. Your MIL is a cruel bitch and doesn't deserve such a beautiful granddaughter in her life.

UnderTheF1oorboards · 20/05/2016 23:10

What a beauty your DD is.

I also have a DC with Down's and I'm boiling with rage on your behalf.

Re. your MIL; absolutely no contact with any of the DC. No question. Anything else is letting all three of them down. I'd tell the older to why, too (in an age-appropriate way of course). I don't need to tell you how emotionally intelligent children with Down's are so I'd bet my kidney that even at 3 years old your DD would pick up on your MIL's behaviour.

Re. your husband: He's been an utter cock and should be ashamed of himself, but you need to take positive steps together to make sure he changes his attitude rapidly. You say he has bonded with DD2 but how involved is he in day to day stuff with her like pre-school, appointments, groups, play dates, etc? I ask because my own experience is that actually the world is a pretty relaxed and welcoming place for children with Down's (as responses on this thread show), but maybe your DH doesn't realise that if he isn't out there much with your DD and his worldview has been shaped to some degree by his disgusting mother. Are you members of a local support group where he could get in touch with other dads?

That aside though, your DD is in no way inferior to any other child and deserves just the same dignity and respect from society. On the rare occasions that doesn't happen your DH needs to be first in line to stand up for her. Why doesn't he agree?

MadamDeathstare · 20/05/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 20/05/2016 23:16

Your cunt mother in law does not deserve any of your children in her life, especially not your gorgeous dd.

Yan in the wrong here at all. You need to work on your dh. He may be just 'used' to his mother's behaviour after a lifetime of it and has become desensitized to how bad it really is.

Over rule your dh, keep your dc away from this woman

IAmNotAMindReader · 20/05/2016 23:18

This is not a difference of opinion where live and let live or we'll agree to disagree apply.
Your MIL has outright rejected your DD. She has refused to acknowledge her existence. She is sending a message to your DD that she isn't good enough to be considered a human being...That's as bad as all the name calling and spitefulness she will encounter through her life and worse because its coming from such a close relative.

She is telling your Dd's siblings that she isn't good enough for their grandmother to love her and your husband is just standing by and simpering about his mothers feelings Angry

You need to rip him a new arsehole. If he isn't on board with defending his child and protecting her from the spite the world has to offer. That she should love herself for who she is, expect others to do the same and realise those who have problem with her really have a problem within themselves. Then he should ship out to join his mother and console her because standing idly by and letting this happen without a word of defence for his own daughter makes him as bad as her. He is silently condoning her stance and colluding in making your daughter appear less in the eyes of others. Would he accept this from anyone else? Is he going to be making excuses for bullies at school who "find it hard to accept her"?

Go NC with MIL and tell DH in no uncertain terms he needs to shape up as your daughter is going to need both of you in her corner. If he can't do that even in front of his mother then he really needs to look closely at himself and grow a spine.

CodyKing · 20/05/2016 23:23

Ahhh - she's so cute! How can anyone not love her? I bet she turns heads when you're out.

Tell DH there are enough horrid people in the world and your DD needs her family's support not rejection.

Fascinate · 20/05/2016 23:24

No, you do not need to get used to people rejecting your DD. You DO need to get used to fighting on her behalf for recognition and equal rights. This is something your DH needs to realise, and PDQ, or as others have said you need to reassess your relationship with him.

Letting this slide will only mean the next time she's discriminated against (which is exactly what your MIL is doing) your DH will let that slide too. You need to gently explain that you will not stand for any discrimination, of any kind, and as her father neither should he.

Darrelrivers · 20/05/2016 23:30

Omg the MIL sounds like a complete b*tch. Cut her out of your children's lives they do not need that sort of poison round them. Your DH needs a kick up the arse too. Why should your DD get used to people treating her like this? I'd say your mil is quite possibly one of the nastiest pieces of work your daughter is likely to come across. What sort of grandmother treats her grand children like this (no doubt your two eldest will be hurt by her rejecting their sister). Mil is an alcoholic and after several issues she is kept away from DS. DH was in denial at first about the severity of the problem but it's now an unspoken agreement MIl is kept away from DS.

Darrelrivers · 20/05/2016 23:33

You should show them both this thread so they can see what the wider world think of their actions

fatmomma99 · 20/05/2016 23:33

MrsAlexis87 what a gorgeous photo and what a beautiful child.

When I saw the title of this thread, I assumed you either didn't particularly like your MIL, or had split with her son and was punishing her for his misdeeds unto you, and I thought I was going to feel sad for your DC.

Then I clicked and read your thread. My jaw literally dropped as I read you post.

It is absolutely shameful of her and of him. Beyond disgusting.

Get her out of your life now and keep her out forever. AND ANYWAY, how would your older DC feel to think their DSis was being written off because of her disability - she's just their sister.

I am a wordy person, but I don't have words to convey my disgust and horror at your MIL and my love for your DD. Your instincts are absolutely right.

And as pps have said, I hope you show this thread to your DH and he hangs his head in shame. (and then cuddles his flesh and blood).

I'm not often shocked, but I am absolutely shocked by your post.

VagueIdeas · 20/05/2016 23:34

I actually think DH is the worse of the two, here.

He is excusing his mother's unapologetic rejection of his daughter. He's making excuses for her. He's trying to suggest it's not that big a deal.

I would be wondering whether his attitude is symptomatic of some dark, unspoken doubts of his own.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/05/2016 00:04

I have never said it's before but hand on heart, I would 100% leave my husband over this. To me, that one conversation would display to me that he doesn't love her the same as the other 2 and clearly is lacking in that in built protective mechanism that every parent should have. I would leave to protect my vunerable child from these nasty vile people. She deserves a father who will go to the end of the earth to protect her, physically, emotionally and practically. He just failed, in my eyes, on all 3 counts. I could never respect that man again.

AugustaFinkNottle · 21/05/2016 00:11

Unfortunately your DH is the product of his upbringing, which sound seriously fucked up if your MIL isn't able to accept that your DD is even related to her. He's probably heard his mother (and maybe other members of his family) rejecting the disabled all his life and has been led to believe that that's the norm. Of course he should have learnt from his own daughter that it absolutely didn't, but maybe it's hard to get over the indoctrination. Maybe it's worth investigating counselling and parenting advice for him?

Vixyboo · 21/05/2016 00:15

I work with children who are disabled. They are first and foremost children. They do not need this kind of negativity.

I imagine your dd is a typical 3 year old in many ways.

Reading your post it makes me wonder if she is scared. Does she think she couldn't look after dd but won't admit it?!

Vixyboo · 21/05/2016 00:18

And slow down on accepting leave your husband advice. Does he need some support in parenting perhaps? Does he need to meet parents of others in a similar situation to yours?

In my experience often when parents of children with downs meet other parents with children of a variety of needs they realise how much their children can do.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/05/2016 00:23

I didn't give any advice on leaving her husband, i gave my view of what I would do in that situation. A view I 100% stand behind. I doubt he needs support in parenting, what he done wasn't parenting at all.

BeagBoo · 21/05/2016 00:29

Oh wow. Fuck her. Aghast.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2016 00:30

Your MIL is vile, no excuse for that behaviour, if she cannot treat all grandkids equally she will have nothing more to do with any of them. Yes you have a serious husband problem, he us as good as a chocolAte fire guard. Really he should have you and your dd back, he does not, in fact he thinks it's ok, and that she should get used to it Shock, if he does not shape up, kick him to the kerb. He sounds like his mother.

OhYouAhole · 21/05/2016 00:31

Oooooooooh YAsoNBU. Personally, I'd shove her gifts back in her face and tell her to do one. Ta taaa. She doesn't deserve the pleasure of knowing your DD2 never mind being in her presence.

facebookrecruit · 21/05/2016 00:31

I haven't been on this site long and have seen some examples of absolutely VILE people but this is the worst thing I've seen so far. Don't even call the pond life your mother in law - she is an evil repulsive cunt and doesn't deserve to be a grandmother. Fuck her off out of yours and your children's lives forever - and your husband if he doesn't back you up. Disgusting woman.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2016 00:33

Awww your dd is adorable 😘💕

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2016 00:37

Then your h shoukd get used to the fact p, that those who reject your gorgeous dd, get rejected by both of you. Hence do not see any grandchildren.

waitingforsomething · 21/05/2016 00:46

Your dd is beautiful of course. Your mil is vile and I would be furious in your shoes. Your Dh has a way to go too- no way should you accept any rejection of your daughter. I would be having a very vocal word with dh and mil