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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

250 replies

MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 20:17

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

OP posts:
dailymaillazyjournos · 20/05/2016 21:43

Well if DH is quiet and doesn't like arguments then he won't be up to starting one with you when you say his MIL has crossed a line here and you're done.

I said in a thread yesterday that i'd not come across any MIL behaviour comparable to my late Mum's MIL. Yours has knocked her clear out of the water. I am so so shocked you had to witness such poisonous behaviour .Angry. If you polled a 100 people about this, then 100 would agree with you over this.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/05/2016 21:43

This is NOT equal to different political views

This is NOT equal to different religious belief

This is NOT even equal to clashes over parenting.

SHE HAS REJECTED HER GRANDCHILD BECAUSE SHE IS DISABLED.

It's disgusting.

LanaorAna1 · 20/05/2016 21:44

It's DD2's father who has really taken me back. What happened to paternal love? Almost worse, has he been awake at all for the 21st century?

The old girl isn't exactly a fount of wisdom and affection, is she. Neither of them are much cop at the moment. But that can change - it has to change re your DH.

I think you need a little sit-down and some quiet but firm words. Oh,and tell everyone what MIL is doing; that type tend to respond very smartly to public shaming.

Rotunda · 20/05/2016 21:44

No, actually "We need to get used to defending our daughter from such prejudice and discrimination". As any parent would for all of their children, regardless of ability.

Sadly, it seems that there is a generation issue around disability discrimination. But if she is of the firm belief that the "infirm" should be hidden from plain sight, then tell her you look forward to searching for a care home for her someday SOON.

You're right. They're wrong. No question.

concernedmumm · 20/05/2016 21:45

Omg YANBU! You're MIL has made me so angry! Angry

RhubarbTree · 20/05/2016 21:45

Wow! Can't quite believe I'm reading this! At first I was completely outraged by your MIL's comments, but the more I think about it, the more I'm concerned by your husbands comments. I can justify but not agree with how your MIL might feel - it wasnt long ago that people with DS were (wrongly) institutionalised and given up on. But for her own father to say "we need to get used to people rejecting her"!!!! She and you are going to have a lot of hurdles to overcome and if her father hasn't got her back, then these will be so much harder!!!!! She deserves so much better. I think a long, frank conversation with DH about his attitude is called for. Ignore your MIL, she's not worth your time or your emotional energy.

Libitina · 20/05/2016 21:46

Devilsavacados

Biscuit
Periggy · 20/05/2016 21:46

Imagine in the future your daughter in law has completely opposing political views to you and she feels as strongly as you do about a comment that you make. Does she have a right to decide whether or not to let you see her children ever again?

Yes. Yes she does. Absolutely 100%.

BirthdayBetty · 20/05/2016 21:47

Jesus, that's fucking disgraceful. Get the fuck away from the pair of them Angry

Periggy · 20/05/2016 21:48

Un-fucking-believable by the way that anyone would use this as a platform to suggest no one has a right to cut contact with grandparents imagine if it happened to you.

Grandparents are people like any other - they can be abusive and toxic and do not have access to kids on dint of being blood relations. That's total crap right there.

Arkhamasylum · 20/05/2016 21:50

So, your daughter has to get used to her grandmother rejecting her? Visiting her siblings, LOVING her siblings and not her? And this is because it's easiest for your MIL, the adult?

Your instincts are exactly right, OP. Your daughter deserves people who love and accept her for everything that she is. She doesn't need to get used to people rejecting her.

Your MIL is a poor excuse for a human being. I wouldn't let her within a million miles. And your husband needs to change his attitude. Your daughter is owed his love and his protection, not his awful mother.

They need to sort themselves out. And if I were you, my MIL would be doing it at a permanent distance.
Stupid, horrible woman.

SquinkiesRule · 20/05/2016 21:50

Vile woman.
Maybe your Dh should go and stay with MIL till he can stand up for his youngest child. She needs his support even more than the other children.

lem73 · 20/05/2016 21:51

I'm so sorry. This must be so upsetting for you. Your mil is a cunt and I can't find a word to describe a father who would attempt to defend such a disgusting opinion.

Asprilla11 · 20/05/2016 21:52

OP - This is horrible, you should never speak to your MIL again.

You should also show this thread to your DH, he'll sharp get the message.

MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 21:55

Wow, all these responses! I'm so sorry I cannot answer individually, I never thought I would get this many!! You have made me feel a little better, but definitely more anger towards MIL and DH.

I know many of you don't agree with photos being put on, but this is about a year old, so you wouldn't recognise her anyway. My heart hurts when I look at her, due to the amount of love that's there; I don't understand how MIL doesn't look at her in that may, it pisses me off. I really don't know how to move forward with this, in regards to DH :(

To refuse my MIL access of our DC...
OP posts:
dailymaillazyjournos · 20/05/2016 21:55

And yes, your DH needs to be able to make sure no one pushes his daughter to one side or rejects her. EVER!

cunningf0x · 20/05/2016 21:56

Oh my word, she is adorable!!

MadisonMontgomery · 20/05/2016 21:56

Dear God. This woman is evil - she needs to be kept away from ALL of your children, full stop. And you need to take a long, hard look at how your husband reacts to her never having contact with them - does he understand how horrific she is, and if not what does that say about his ability to parent DD2?

rockchick78 · 20/05/2016 21:57

Wow. This is by far the worst thing I've seen on here, I'm actually disgusted. Disgusted at the behaviour of your MIL and disgusted that your husband is allowing it.

I'd be telling MIL to fuck right off and telling DL to follow!

Chillyegg · 20/05/2016 21:58

1000% your mil and dh are a prime set of cunts.
I don't comment very often to say such things but quite frankly cut the fucking bitch out. Also have a not so quiet word with dh that unless he wants access every other weekend he can also fucking tell his cunt bag didablist backward mum to fuck of.
I raging for you my daughter has a disability if someone said that about her if of punched them.

Rotunda · 20/05/2016 21:59

Op, You're not alone in this experience. Many disability mums experience similar reactions/rejections from family members. It is never acceptable and should never be trivialised.

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 20/05/2016 22:02

What a wee dote.

BuggertheTabloids · 20/05/2016 22:02

I am so shocked by this. I just can't understand her attitude. She just has no heart.
Your daughter is beautiful. Her loss.

thinkbeforeyoupost · 20/05/2016 22:06

You have a husband problem.

Your mothernin law is a vile piece of work. She's not be seeing any of my children again, and their father would be looking at fortnightly weekend access if he didn't sort himself out too.

I'm so sorry you're married into a family of disablist arseholes.

This!

I'm in absolute shock about the capacity of your MIL to just ignore your DD2. Fight for her and if your DH doesn't support you, dump him too.

You don't need those type of ppl in your life and around your children, mainly around your DD2. She's not any less than the other 2 children.

I'm fuming too. What a cow and what a coward.

For you and all your children FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

BendydickCuminsnatch · 20/05/2016 22:07

The word cunt should be reserved for people of your MIL's ilk. Vile behaviour.

Your little DD looks like a total sweetheart. It's your repugnant MIL's loss!