DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!
We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.
DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.
She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.
Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?
She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.
I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.
AIBU?
To refuse my MIL access of our DC...
MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 20:17
This is awful, I'm sorry OP. You sound like a great mum.
I think there's 3 issues here: your MIL, your DH, and your DC.
Re: your DH. I actually want to slightly go against the grain here because a lot of people are giving very aggressive responses, and if your DH is a quiet type who shies away from confrontation I think that could make things worse. It sounds like he's already got some negative feelings about your daughter - he's obviously grown up with a mum who is negative about disability, and it sounds like there could be some bonding issues there. Trouble with bonding isn't always obvious and he might have some shame around it or just not want to cause an issue. If so, launching in aggressively isn't going to help him to admit and deal with these issues.
I think a good long chat with your DH is in order, giving him the space to talk openly about how he really feels about your daughter. LTB isn't going to deal with anything and it isn't going to help any of your family. Find out if there is an issue there. It might be that he is well bonded with your daughter but that he has this attitude that your daughter will be rejected, possibly a residue from having heard his mother. Or it might be that there is a deeper issue. Regardless, if he is willing to step up and be a good dad to all of your children, he needs to confront his issues and work on them. That might mean counselling, or a parenting course, or something else.
Obviously if there is a problem and he doesn't work on it then you might need to take more action.
Re: your MIL. How important is she to you/ your DC/ your DH? If she's really important, then again there's a less extreme approach than the chorus of NC that has been thrown out on here. You could very firmly reply that her attitude is completely unacceptable and explain why. Maybe there's some kind of course or parenting course she could go on to re-educate herself. Certainly she would need to think long and hard. And then she could see all the DC but of course with your supervision, and the slightest hint of a problem then that's the end of the visit.
Alternatively if she's not that important, or if she's not willing to change, then yes of course the relationship needs to come to an end. And explain why. You never know, she might go away and reflect.
Re: your DC. What have they picked up on? All of your DC are old enough to notice differential treatment. How was MIL in front of the DC - any comments/ exclusion/ change in behaviour towards your daughter? Could the DC have heard you talk about this? If so it is probably a good idea to address this with each of your DC and talk it through. Leaving it as something that is never talked about again, just that suddenly MIL visited and then was never seen again, isn't very helpful to your DC, but using it as a learning opportunity together and discussing it in an age appropriate way could be helpful.
Finally, your daughter is gorgeous!
Before anyone flames me for the above, I'm not in any way saying any of what happened is ok. It's appalling and I'm really gutted for you all OP. I'm just saying that we don't know the whole situation and a gentler approach might be more positive in the long run, if you think it's worth it.
Sorry this is so long, I'm just so upset on your family's behalf.
shiveringhiccup you mentioned everybody's (possible) feelings except OPs beautiful DD. She does have feelings and the ability to pick up on rejection, which seems to have completely and utterly bypassed you in your urge to get OP (who is understandably feeling pretty shitty herself) to step back and take into account her DH & MILs precious feelings. DD matters FAR more and Im glad she's got OP in her corner
This post is so upsetting. A child being rejected, a situation likely to worsen because of 2 people who are pigheaded and ignorant, and who will likely cause this little girls siblings to have negative feelings towards her as their sister.
Don't even know what else to say. But you and your DH could have a talk maybe - without your MIL present and with a third-party present, maybe? You are the parents after all. & it seems to me MIL is a bad influence on your family. How you get around that without your DHs solidarity, I don't know.
Anyway
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Shivering is wise and your daughter is wonderful OP
I wish you the very best as you navigate what's ahead and hope you can make your DH see sense
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Your daughter is beautiful, i am truly shocked and upset to read your op that these disgusting attitudes still exist and for your mil to be so blatantly vile and prejudice and expect you to accept that and think it's ok to spend time with your other children and exclude her in this way, your DH really needs a wake up call, this cannot be tolerated and he needs to grow a pair and stick up for your daughter, u sound like a lovely mum and so glad she has u fighting her corner, your absolutely not bu and it is her loss
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Why did you post the photo? Half of MN will be having a quiet sob now! 
Such a lovely little girl.
Your DH hasn't accepted the situation with your DD has he? He might be okay at home but he keeps his distance when you're out. He may well have learned his attitude from his repellent mother.
You need to have a real heart-to-heart talk with him and if necessary he needs to seek a professional to talk to himself. He needs help to come to terms with the realisation that your DD is who she is and what it will mean to your family for the rest of your lives. Doesn't mean he doesn't love her but accepting who she is, is another step.
If he doesn't do that, then you need to think about what you want to do next.
But his mother is out of your lives as of now.
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