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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

250 replies

MrsAlexis87 · 20/05/2016 20:17

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/05/2016 21:20

Wow, I actually applaud you for not smacking her one. I'd have gone feral if I ever heard that.

You need to rip your D(ickhead)H a new one.

kiki22 · 20/05/2016 21:23

I rarely every say this about mil's but cut the bitch out. I would also be fucking fuming about dh not telling her to fuck off mine would go to town if his parents said anything like that about our kids.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/05/2016 21:23

Outrageous. Completely NC for ALL 3 Children. What a nasty, heartless, bitch.

You have my every sympathy Flowers

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 20/05/2016 21:24

What chance has your dd got if her own family haven't got her back?

Your MIL is a dick, as is you husband.

Pettywoman · 20/05/2016 21:25

Ask her what she'd feel like if as soon as she got more elderly and had medical problems, mobility trouble or dementia you ignored her, wrote her off because you couldn't come to terms with it.

Then say it doesn't matter anyway because you'll be going nc before that happens. Fucking bitch.

Stay strong OP, YANBU.

Libitina · 20/05/2016 21:25

If your DH is reading this OP, I hope he realises he was WAY out of line and his Mother is a complete bitch.

YANBU

kateandme · 20/05/2016 21:27

do not back down here.ur very much in the right and to be fuming and upset.show ur daughter and her brothers and sisters and everyone ever that this shit will not be stood for!!

pissedglitter · 20/05/2016 21:27

Your husband and his mother are both fucking arse holes!

Absolute fucking disgrace

PerpendicularVincent · 20/05/2016 21:28

YANBU, I would ditch MIL and DH

wombthereitis · 20/05/2016 21:29

"We need to get used to people rejecting our daughter" (and accepting it).

He's needs to get send to sticking up for his daughter then and growing a fucking backbone. Disgusting behaviour from both of them Angry

ipsogenix · 20/05/2016 21:29

We have a friend at primary school who has Down's and he is wonderful and fun and lively, and gives the best hugs when someone is hurt. Your MIL is truly missing out.

LadyAntonella · 20/05/2016 21:29

Agree with pps - I can't believe anyone could be so disgustingly disablist, heartless and cruel, especially toward their own granddaughter. I am stunned. I would cut her out and never look back. I cannot believe your DH would accept this sort of behaviour from anyone towards his daughter. Sickening.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 20/05/2016 21:30

Your poor DD. Your mil is a dickhead. Flowers for you op.

GlitteryFluff · 20/05/2016 21:32

Yanbu.
Show your husband these replies...

Champagneformyrealfriends · 20/05/2016 21:32

Seriously I'm stunned. I honestly thought attitudes like this had died out. I'm so disappointed we still live in a world where an innocent and beautiful child could be rejected by her own GM. Angry

SouthWesterlyWinds · 20/05/2016 21:34

That's just fucking vile.

All or none. And your husband needs to get a fucking backbone and stand up for his hold or you need to make some serious decisions if he accepts his mums shitty stance.

Ilovewillow · 20/05/2016 21:34

She sounds vile!! It would be all 3 or none at all although given her behaviour I wouldn't be giving her the choice! Totally unacceptable!!

SouthWesterlyWinds · 20/05/2016 21:34

Stand up for his *child

AbernathysFringe · 20/05/2016 21:34

Your husband is pathetic and he clearly gets his crappy attitude from his horrible mother. What century are they living in? I wouldn't force her to spend time with all three alone as she'll likely not treat your DD2 very well in any case. I certainly wouldn't let her take the other two and leave your DD2 out. Which leaves either no contact with any or contact with all, with you there to supervise. And a firm warning to her that her opinions are unacceptable and not to be expressed anywhere near the children. A whiff of that and she's out of there. I'd take your husband to some kind of support group/counselling about your DD2 as it's clear he doesn't have a good attitude towards it and he needs to fix that before she's old enough to feel it.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 20/05/2016 21:35

Yanbu. She's vile as is your hubby.

glueandstick · 20/05/2016 21:35

Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have a mum like you to fight her corner. You sound lovely.

defineme · 20/05/2016 21:38

Have you pointed out to dh that if dd's dad doesn't stand up for her in the face of the rejection she will face then she has no chance. You protect your own or you're weak. Shame on both of them.

Devilsavacados · 20/05/2016 21:40

Imagine in the future your daughter in law has completely opposing political views to you and she feels as strongly as you do about a comment that you make. Does she have a right to decide whether or not to let you see her children ever again? Is it a good example to the next generation to see such views and say that you just close these people out, or should one try to understand and help that person overcome their (unjustified) fears. I'll bet if she spent one or two minutes with her she would see what you see. The Jeremy Kyle generation will not become educated by being shunned by the rest of us and eventually it will permeate the whole of society. It started many years ago and is only getting worse.

myshinynewusername · 20/05/2016 21:41

Show this heartless and cruel bitch the door and kick her son out after her unless he grows a pair pronto and stands up for his daughter.

MistressMerryWeather · 20/05/2016 21:41

I keep going to type supportive stuff but all I keep thinking is how I wouldn't be able to stop myself smacking her face.

Your husband is spineless, does he not understand that this sort of thing will have a negative affect on all of his children? Because your eldest children will end up hating his guts once they see he has allowed a difference to be made.

I would tell him it would be over my dead body the day she sees any of my children again and I would also take great pleasure in telling her so.

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