To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

[MrsAlexis87]

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

[ohtheholidays]

I'd be fucking him and his fucking witch of a mother off out of my life and my DC's lifes if I was you OP!

What a pair of horrible knobs,we have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic and our youngest DD also has physical disabilities if anyone ever said that about any of our DC let alone our 2DC that have so much to deal with as it is I would go bloody Nuclear and so would my DH!

That's because like me he is a normal parent and he loves all of his DC.

[NotMyMonkey]

Fuck no! She either accepts that she has 3 grandchildren or none at all.

Your husband needs to take a serious look at himself too.

Your dd may well encounter this kind of shit during her life, but not from her own family. Don't let it happen, tell them both to buck up or fuck off.

[Clandestino]

Your MIL is a nasty witch and your DH has no spine. Very sad.

[wolfpackonly]

Your husband badly needs to fucking grow a pair. Your married to a man child OP.

And Teen- your wrong. He doesn't need to learn "to stick up for DD2". You stick up for all your children. Period.

I'm RAGING on your behalf OP. Raging.

[plominoagain]

Now personally , my response would be that actually "I'm finding it very difficult have such an atrocious old bigot as a mil, and better that ALL my children stick with having one set of grandparents . It would be so much easier ". And if DH objected , he could join her too . How dare she . How fucking dare she .

[Itsnotallaboutyou]

I actually could cry for you OP.

She is a disgusting human being. It is not about her. She needs to suck it up as her job is to support her son and family. You need positive people in your life.

Sorry about my name - I changed it for a thread about my mother and is in no way directed at anyone else

[Gide]

Ugh, disliking the sound of your MIL very much! YADNBU, OP. She is being a bitch.

[christmasmum]

I don't normally comment on AIBU but this is bloody outrageous! Fuming on your behalf... Can you write down some of how you're feeling and give it to DH and MIL?

[rollmeover]

Read the title and thought "what could be so bad you would not let a granny see her grandkids" Well. This is worse than I could ever think. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt she is horrendously offensive, tackles and insulting.

But as others have said, you need to deal with this via your DH. You and he are your DDs biggest advocates. She (unfortunately) may have to deal with a lot of shit in her life that she will need extra/different help with compared to your Other DCs. He needs toALWAYS fight her corner, always her her back.

MIL gets stuffed and DH gets grip too.
Best of luck OP

[SideOrderofChip]

what an absolute bitch!! I agree with other posters, she either loves them all or she can fuck off

[Inertia]

She is absolutely vile. I'm astonished that she thinks she can get away with saying that she'll just stick with 2 grandchildren- does she think your children are some kind of grocery that she can send back?

I would be blocking all access to all of the children after that.

Your husband is a contemptible spineless shit, but your MIL is utterly evil.

[whydidhesaythat]

so sorry to hear of this

I think you should text her saying that the five of you come as a unit. If she rejects one child, she is rejecting all of you. She needs to take a good long look at herself

I have been through a minor variant of this. if she says she can change, give her a change to do so.

[WipsGlitter]

She's awful.

I have a son with DS who is 6 and another who is 8. My mum treats them the same but FIL (who makes minimal effort with either of them to be fair) does favour DS1 - buys him more presents etc. And it does piss me off. The last time he bought a tee shirt for the older one that was too small so I said in front of him "sure x son can have it"

I'd just text back "sorry you're finding it hard. They come as a package. When you're ready to accept Dd2 we will see you again"

[Tigger365]

I'm not a huge commenter, but I couldn't not...

The world is a worse place because of people like your MIL. And your 'D'H by the sounds of it.

[AddToBasket]

What a bitch. And your DH too!

Yes, yes, yes to : 'I'm finding it tough to come to terms with having such a prejudiced bitch for my beautiful children's grandmother. It would be better if they just had one understanding, accepting and loving set of grandparents.'

And, yes, your DH must step up with DD2 now too - you have had some insight into his psyche and background, heed the warning.

[MetalMidget]

It sounds like your husband needs to get used to his wife rejecting his mother. Ffs, that's awful - I wouldn't allow her near the other two, especially as she may potentially (if unintentionally) teaching them that their sister is something to be ashamed of. It's shocking that in 2016 there are still people who'd prefer to pretend that people with disabilities, even their own family members, don't exist.

[MistressDeeCee]

Speechless

[Scarydinosaurs]

What an absolute bitch. Your husband is spineless. "Get used to people rejecting" your daughter?? On what planet is he on??

Never, ever, would I allow that woman near my children- she would have to go on a parenting course first. Or be trained in SEN. Or have a lobotomy.

[stiffstink]

Wow, your DH's idea of dealing with discrimination against your daughter is for her to get used to it?!

What a twat. What a pair of twats.

[hidingwithwine]

Jesus OP, my middle DC has ASN and both grans are their staunchest supporters and defenders. I don't think YABU at all

[SabineUndine]

Your MIL is beyond vile. I do hope your other DC didn't realise what was going on. I wouldn't have anything to do with your MIL ever again, nor would I let her see any of your children. What a fucking appalling attitude in this day and age. She has three lovely grandchildren and thinks she can pick and choose because one of them has a disability? Outrageous.

HOW can your husband make excuses for his mother's attitude? He should be backing you up all the way. I would tell him you are not prepared to let your MIL inflict her toxic attitude on any of your children and it's up to him to tell her to keep out of their lives.

[PovertyPain]

She a selfish, judgemental fucker.

Regarding you taking her hand and him looking after the other two, it's time you stepped back and let him do more with your daughter. Next time, take the older children's hands and let him look after your wee daughter. I hate to say it, but would he be embarrassed if he was in soul care of your daughter, in public? You need to nip this crap in the bud.

[DoveBlue]

I'm astounded that your MIL can be so cruel to an innocent child. I would not want her near ANY children with that attitude.
Your husband needs to realise that rejection by family or friends is not an option. Your DD is important and worth spending time with! My sister has downs and she is an amazing young woman who I am proud to call my sister. It is not just the other children who will notice, your DD will notice she is being excluded. Many downs kids are very observant. My sister would definitely notice if she didn't get presents or wasn't spoken to on facetime etc.

[diddl]

That is the saddest thing that I have read.

If she wanted to take the two older ones somewhere not suitable for a 3yr old that might be one thing.

But no gifts for her either?