To not change my name

[HeresashatinaboxpAt]

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!

2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

Please don't marry this man.

Yes, that baggage comment and his wanting to change all of your surnames except his own is an indicator of how he sees the relationship. Namely, that the 3 of you should bow down to him.

If he feels strongly that he should keep his own surname (and that's fine if he does) then he should be in a good position to understand that you want to keep yours. The fact that he wants to dismiss your feelings (that are actually the same as his when it comes down to it) shows that he thinks he has/should have all the power in the relationship.

You obviously aren't on the same page and like my Ex, he's done an incredible job, until now, of telling you what you want to here but not what he actually believes. This new information definitely shows your relationship in a new light and not a flattering one at that.

As uncomfortable as it is hearing what he really thinks, it's better that you hear it now and even more important, that you base future decisions on this new information I.e being financially depended on someone who thinks you owe him, rather than being an equal partner.

Thank u all for u posts this whole ordeal has made a very challenging weekend

Hope you are doing ok

Thanks I'm actually ok.... Very fed up with his attitude... If anything he has cemented my first thought on this. If he doesn't want to marry me after what he has said I'm more than ok with this.

Good that you are resolved. He should see you as a blessing, not a set of sacrifices !>

That's what I thought he felt but clearly not! I do sort of c what he is saying that he wants to give us his name as he cares for us and its special to him... But the way he has put it and the attitude that has followed is awful

God, I hate people who do that.

People who want their own way but rather than just being honest about it, they try to dress it up as being for your benefit. It is really manipulative and dishonest. And then when you call them on it, they act all hurt. "It's only because I care about you". And that response is even more dishonesty and manipulation.

It is a very bad character trait in someone that they would even attempt it.

His name is special to him.

He wants to impose it on give it to two people, you and eldest, who don't want it to show how much he cares for their opinions them.

If that was it, then double-barrelling would for you and him would achieve it and be much nicer for eldest if she stuck with current name

I love the double barrelling but apparently he doesn't

You said that you were giving him an ultimatum to decide if he wanted to marry you, but why does he get to decide?

He obviously see's men as more important than women. It's an old fashioned view which still exists.

I'd be worried about other sexist things he agrees with.

I'm not sure the eldest can change name without the father's permission. You have to be either 16 or 18 for a deed poll.

Let him have that conversation with your ex, it should be interesting. "I want to change your child's name to mine, because, well, I am so important"

Sashh, it's not clear if Op's ex has PR, I've certainly taken it from her posts so far that ex doesn't have contact but I could be wrong. It's a fair question though as whilst exP and OP may have agreed DD1 should have OP's name, a total change or a double barreling with current P may raise an objection from ex.

Hi thanks for your response he does have rights unfortunately.. But for eldest sake she can unofficially do it with school if she wished or we could ask her bio father

YANBU! If having the same name is so important to him, he can take your name.

He really is quite upset I won't and doesn't understand my reasoning

He just doesn't see why he should

Why do you need to give more reasoning than him?

Arrrhhh because you are female. He clearly sees it as beneath him to change his name

I think you need to reflect on that.... especially with the way he has responded over the weekend.

I would be telling him what my name was going to be after marriage and not even making it a topic for discussion, since YOU are the one changing it so its your sole responsibility (plus hard work) and decision to make.

If he wants to tell you what you are doing or is trying to force a discussion on the subject, then its quite clear - he needs to reconsider marrying you.