To not change my name

[HeresashatinaboxpAt]

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!

2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

Unfortunately it's not the first or second time he has said this!

He doesn't want to lose his name as men should carry it on etc... His words!

Eldest 7

R you still together blowmybarnacles

my name, not my me, though that makes sense in a way....

You've already been non traditional (nothing wrong with that!) as you have a child from a prior relationship and another child out of wedlock.

And him enforcing his name on you in nod to "tradition" is more important to him than all your shared experience?!

Yea but the worst bit is I literally just posted the save the date cards and he repeats these words

Is there a whoops just joking card?? Maybe I can send that quick

It's lose-lose for him then really.

Get married and you each keep your own name - lose

Don't get married and you each keep your own name - lose

He needs to ask himself which is worse.

I think you need to remind him that you and the kids are not his possessions. You're not office stationary that needs to be labelled so that someone else can't steal you. Your names (because it's not just you, is it? It's your kids too!) tell your story, not his. It's up to you if you want to change them, and having you and the children change your identity to suit his fragile ego isn't really on. Marriage is about more than you all "matching" on paper.

Fwiw I'm not changing mine. Mostly because DP has an awful double barrelled second name I'm an independent woman and building my own career using my own perfectly good name. Why would I suddenly want to rebrand to something less catchy?

So eldest is definitely old enough to know his\her own name well and your DP wants it utterly changed?

Is your ex still around, as you might need his agreement to any surname change even if you wanted to progress this (and of course DC should be happy with the idea)

"He doesn't want to lose his name as men should carry it on etc... "

Why is it more important for men to carry it on than women?

OP, stop taking this on yourself. He is the one creating the problem not you. In this day and age it's not a given that the woman changes her name. He really should be more open minded.

There's no reason you need to change your name or anybody else's. Some women like to, others don't. If he thinks a surname is more important than your relationship he needs a rethink before you rethink the relationship.
He's being a dinosaur. I kept my name partly because of my professional reputation.

"You're not office stationary that needs to be labelled so that someone else can't steal you. "

Well put!

We are, just about. 2 DC with double barrelled surnames. I remember as a child seeing post addressed to Mrs -My Dad's name-. I asked my mum why she had my Dad's first and last name as her name and she said it was tradition. I vowed then never to do that. Even more so when I understood why it was tradition - because years ago in law women and children belonged to men in marriage. They were their property. Why some women persist in continuing this is beyond me.

Stand your ground. Ask him how he would feel to be pressurised to have your name. And see the red flag if he continues to make you feel obliged.

Love the office stationary remark I am stealing that one!
Your right about the children... My eldest has already says loves current last name and happy to go double barrelled but doesn't want to be "left out" and I agree and I will not do it!

Hang on apart from being old fashioned, he's illogical. Why should your older child change surname? How can it be OK that the dc's father not have his name 'carried on' but his must be? And you could still re-register the younger dc so that would carry his surname on.

Eldest has my maiden name!
I wanted to keep their names similar as I want my eldest to feel that they share that! Sounds daft but is important to us

The thing is though, he IS 4 times more important than any of the rest of you.

Of course 3 people should change their names to keep him happy.

So eldest loves your name but happy to go double barrelled.
Youngest is already double barrelled
You are happy to either keep your name or go double barrelled.

Well, that's 3:1 for whom either double barrelling or not changing the status quo works.

Does he think he is more important than you and your eldest put together?

Any other things he's off about? Do you have equal access to money and equal leisure time?

Since it sounds like most of you have your last name then perhaps he should 'man up' and change his name!
I did change my name after about 6 months even though I would have preferred to keep my maiden name. It turned out to be a pain to not change as people assumed I had changed names. However we had no children and if I did have children that I already shared a name with I would 100% not have changed it.

He is being ridiculous. I never changed my name, partly because I like my name and it is tied up in my identity and partly because I don't want to condone a tradition of women being labelled as property.
Would he change his last name? If not why does he feel that you should change yours?
My mother and in-laws think it's an abomination that I didn't change my name, whatever, their issue, not mine and it is no one's business , not their'sand not my husband's.

I did wonder if that might be the case as I pressed post. :) He's still being daft though.

Sorry equal leisure time what is this??

"Eldest has my maiden name!
I wanted to keep their names similar as I want my eldest to feel that they share that! Sounds daft but is important to us"

Trust me, OP, no one thinks you are the one being daft!

Thank you

So if he works 9-5 five days a week and you work 9-3 three days a week but do childcare and chores until he's home on all five days, do you take approx the same time each for hobbies/relaxing whilst the other does childcare or chores?