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Original poster

To not change my name

192 replies

HeresashatinaboxpAt · 19/05/2016 22:44

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

  1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!
2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage Sad
OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 20/05/2016 13:47

I would be quite concerned if you can't have a sensible discussion about this and have him change his mind.

DP and I discussed this one (we're not getting married but were talking about it generally). He said he thought a woman not changing her name was a sign of lack of commitment. I asked him why it wasn't a sign of lack of commitment that the man wouldn't change his to hers? I went on to say that in a world where 92% of children whose parents separate live with their mothers, it also made sense for children to take mum's surname and therefore would actually make far more sense again if the man changed his name on marriage. I then pointed out that if the argument was 'to carry on the male name' he ought to consider the fact that he was basically saying a man's right to this was more important than a woman's which made him a sexist.

He's now changed his mind. Wink

wallybantersjunkbox · 20/05/2016 13:48

Op is your DP from a different or nee traditional culture? He seems very stuck on this.

Has he been married before?

BillBrysonsBeard · 20/05/2016 13:49

Riceburner As a SAHM you are looking after and caring for him/the kids too so that's a weird way of looking at it.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 14:01

Reading between the lines, you discussed this before registering your youngest and agreed/compromised on double barrelled then. Why did he think there wouldn't be a similar discussion this time?!

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 20/05/2016 14:10

It's important for men to carry on their name is it? Are either of your children male, seeing as he expects them to change their names too? Or do children, like women, not matter?

Personally I was happy to take DH's name (mostly because I didn't much like my maiden name and we couldn't think of a new name for both of us to take).

Why is double barrelled out?

For me, this wouldn't be so much about the name as his attitude. I don't think I could accept that from my partner.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 14:12

"For me, this wouldn't be so much about the name as his attitude. I don't think I could accept that from my partner."

Right! His argument seems to be "you should change because I say so", not even "oh, my grandad would be really sad if his name got lost" or whatever (not that the latter argument should win out but at least it's something other than just trying to dictate!)

HelloDoris · 20/05/2016 14:14

I didn't change mine on marriage (2 years ago). DH is a bit bemused by it but I've had my name for 30odd years I'm not sure I want to change it. Passport is due for renewal about now and Im putting it off as I'm not sure what name I now want on it..

The DC have his name, and I do use his name on forms for school etc.. Just not sure I want to "officially" call myself his name.

FluffyPersian · 20/05/2016 14:20

OP, you're right... he doesn't want to change his name? Yet it's OK for you and the kids? Why is that? Why does his objection become more important than yours?

It doesn't and it's really good you're sticking to your guns. Sadly I know of 2 women (ex work colleagues) who wanted to keep their name but their Husbands were like yours: 'I don't want to marry you unless you change your name', so despite all the logical reasons to keep their name, they changed it unhappily as they were so desperate for their 'Big day' and it seemed a pretty dress and party and being married to a controlling sexist knob were more important than anything else...

One is divorced, the other is divorcing now and they now have their lovely exes surname... Hurrah.

I'm currently engaged and I won't be changing my name (and it's already double barrelled). My fiance said 'Why should you? I don't want to change mine so don't expect you to change yours' and that was that.... In regards to children, we're thinking of putting all 3 names on the birth certificate, but only using 2 - half of mine and his.

There's always ways around things... it's just such a shame women seem to 'default' to the mans surname. If you want that and have thought about it, then fine... but just to 'do it', without any kind of consideration seems really sad.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2016 14:23

My mum and dad has all girls.
How is our name supposed to continue if one of us doesn't keep it?
Which was my reasoning for keeping my name.
Although my ExH didn't mind either way.

RiceBurner · 20/05/2016 15:07

Bill not weird IMO, as DH was doing just as much work as me at home, as well as working full-time/earning all the money.

Whether to go with a matriarchal surname line or a patriarchal surname line is a choice to make and one could argue for matriarchal but, as the UK has always been patriarchal, (as far as I know), and both our families were following this naming method in the past, I was happy to go that route.

Giving children their father's name is not a bad system, as you can't really have it both ways, unless girls get their mum's surname and boys get their dad's? But I can see that in future with so many blended families, using the mother's name might be more logical/ consistent. (As long as she keeps her name the same all her life!)

I knew that I wanted to keep my name when we got married as it was MINE, and DH understood/agreed. (Phew as I wouldn't have wanted to drop my name.)

But for the kids, it seemed like a nice gesture to want to give them his name, especially as he was financially looking after us all and therefore had a lot of responsibility.

Really hope the OP manages to sort all this surname business out with her fiancé well before the wedding, as might well turn out to be a deal breaker?

Seems like a small matter initially, but in fact surname is rather important as often ties in with our ideas of identity and self-worth I think?

RortyCrankle · 20/05/2016 15:52

OP if you give in to this nonsense, what will be next? I would remind him this is 2016 and not 1916 and suggest he spends the weekend looking for and sending 'the wedding is off' cards. Call his bluff.

Babettescat · 20/05/2016 15:54

Okay going by the logic of your last sentence will he change his name?

No?

Oh. So he thinks the woman should do that? But a man can't?

I rest my case. Good luck.

Original poster
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 20/05/2016 17:12

So I think his name would be passed on by his brother and actually not my daughters!

Developments into are I called his bluff... Wedding apparently still on but he doesn't c my point and will not even consider having my name too. He won't c that the three of us changing our name would be more hassle than just him...
I would love to have both last names for us all my our youngest has both not hyphenated so can drop one as she wishes if she wishes.

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 17:25

Well, your daughters may do what you do, of course, and not change on marriage!

Will you keep your name if he keeps his?

What is it about your point that he doesn't see?!

Original poster
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 20/05/2016 17:38

He thinks I'm totally being unreasonable as I've not mentioned it prior to being engaged... I hadn't ever considered names until her proposed!

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 17:40

Eh?!

Did he mention it before you got engaged? I assume not. I guess he presumed you'd think as he did, but that presumption isn't your fault...

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 17:41

And as for presuming your eldest would change outright...!

was there any discussion around your younger DD's surname before her birth/registration?

BoudiccaAD60 · 20/05/2016 17:43

Don't do it. I din't. Had my surname all my life. It's me. My children share mine and my husband's surname. Sorted. A little offence at the start is bearable compared with a lifetime of feeling your surname just 'isn't you'!

Original poster
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 20/05/2016 17:53

Was not discussed before hand and he assumed.. With the youngest it was pretty much the same battle... We compromised he thought that when we marry we can drop my part of her name

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 18:55

So he compromised on a basis that he (deliberately?) kept to himself. But you are the one being unreasonable for "non-disclosure"?

Hmm!

Did you get engaged before or after DD2 was born?

Original poster
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 20/05/2016 19:27

We got engaged after little one!
He feels that we had some discussion about the last name changing when we married... I was probably a little sleep deprived with newborn to remember... She only slept for two hours in 24 for nine weeks!
Apparently though he has taken on me and my baggage and I owe it to him to take his name... No one held a gun to his head to be with me, move in with me, have a child or propose...

OP posts:
NotNob · 20/05/2016 19:35

My DH took my surname as his is a very common one and my surname would leave the family if I took his (all girls). Would that be an option?

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 19:35

"Apparently though he has taken on me and my baggage and I owe it to him to take his name... "

Red flag.

That's a terrible thing to say.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 19:37

How dare he describe you and DD1 as baggage?

We are back to the stationery cupboard possession labelling again, though now he has said you are a troublesome possession who should be grateful.

Hardly viewing you as an equal...

What is the work you will do from home?

Original poster
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 20/05/2016 19:39

I'm going to childmind... I've worked hard all my life I've a degree and diploma but want to be there for my little ones

OP posts: