To not change my name

[HeresashatinaboxpAt]

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!

2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

Oh that's nice, are you due to start CM soon?

He won't take my name he says he doesn't want to change his name at its too much of a faff for him...

Hopefully but still waiting for checks etc

Ooh, good luck! I could never CM, not enough patience, but our boys loved their time there.

To describe you and DD1 so disparagingly when you are launching a new business and when you will be continuing looking after his DD all day is pretty crappy

I didn't change my name when we married. I had no problem standing in a church and vowing to love, honour and cherish him because I had, and still have, every intention of doing that for the rest of my life. I just don't understand why I have to change my name to do that.

My DH assumed that I'd be taking his name and I think he was a little upset that I didn't want to. He comes from quite a traditional background and I don't think it occurred to him that I wouldn't. I'm still not sure he understands now, but being married was more important than the name on my bank cards.

The whole point of getting married, in my opinion, is to make the biggest possible commitment to a person that you can. Not to recruit more members of the Smith, Jones or Brown club. Your surname doesn't affect your ability to love someone, so why change it if you don't want to?

His stance is that you "owe" him that faff as he's so graciously taken you on. Grr!

My dh and I both kept our names, for various reasons. Name change was discussed equally for both of us, and that mattered to me. We've since had a dc, who has my surname. None of it has ever been an issue with anyone around us, it doesn't often come up in conversation and no one has ever batted an eyelid. We don't feel any less "married" or like a family for it.
Your oh needs to arrive in the 21st century.

Sorry, posted too soon: I'd try to tease out from your oh what his issue would be with changing his name. I think you have very valid reasons for not wanting to. Could you make him see it from your perspective? Why should he expect you to give up part of your identity when he wouldn't consider doing it himself? Why should it be any different for you than for him?

he has taken on me and my baggage and I owe it to him to take his name...

OP, this is downright awful. And a big red flag. I would think about marrying him tbh.

If you think about the traditional reason for women changing their name: to show them as the legal property of the husband, I don't understand why any man would want to carry on such a hideous tradition.

I mean I would feel ashamed to if I were a man.

HE TOOK YOU ON!!!!!!!!!

Tell him to take a running jump, fucking cheek

YANBU. Why the heck should you lose your name?

Abusive XH harangued me because I wasn't travelling for work reasons, three weeks after the wedding, using my married name in my passport. Three-week turnaround on a change-of-name passport application in mid-July!!!

Sorry, not saying your HTB is abusive but he is being twatty and entitled. You decide what you want to be called

He's sounding more and more like an arsehole. Baggage? You owe him? Wtf! What will it be like when you're married if he has such rigid ideas? If he can see that it's too much faff for him to change name then why is he insisting that you do?

Do you really want to marry someone who will force you to do something you don't want to do?

I'm still feeling that he feels this way and the more we discuss it the worst it becomes

You can't marry someone who refers to your child as baggage.

You just can't.

He needs to not live in the same house as a child he thinks of like that.

He is lucky to be in your life and your daughter's.

If he doesn't see that, then he doesn't deserve either of you.

They were not his words exactly it what more along the lines of making sacrifices and taking on a lot etc etc and having to adjust...

What sacifices has he made?

If you're meant to be grateful to him, this is a huge problem.

I'm so sorry op but he's not sounding great at all. Making sacrifices and taking in a lot. What does he want? A medal? A sainthood? Tell him fine no wedding and have a think do you want to be in a relationship where someone feels that you owe them.

Please don't marry him

I can't say I felt flattered by that I honestly thought he wanted to be with me and not "save" me and I thought everything we had was due to us both wanting to be together... Not because I was a charity case needing to be rescued!

Strange situation. Hmm. Op it's quite unbelievable that you'd marry him. But you know that.

I think even that shocked me! I was totally unaware he felt that way

Well just as well you found out on time.

These are also his feelings about your child, remember.

This is also about imposing an unsuitable stepfather on her.