To not change my name

[HeresashatinaboxpAt]

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!

2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

I too find it a bit puzzling that the automatic assumption is that the dc get the father's name. I know at least one married couple who kept their names and gave the dc the mother's name. My dh would have been happy to take my name when we married, but I wasn't overly fond of it for specific reasons so we did things differently - he kept his and I double-barrelled. The dc have his name (because the law in the country where we are is that if one partner double barrels the other's name is the 'marriage name' and dc are not allowed to be given double barrels (WTF?)) and I do struggle with that a bit, tbh, but mine is just as awkward as his local but rare name in terms of pronunciation/spelling, if not a bit more so, so it's fair enough really.

OP, it sounds a little as if your dp's ego is getting in the way of his reasonableness and common sense.

Your DP is being very selfish.

We are both double barrelling. His name is no more important than mine and I don't like it much. He is in agreement I shouldn't feel 'branded' which is how it does feel hence both doubling. I don't care if people don't like it I'm not losing my name. It's the 21st century and if anything my career/name at work is worth more than my DP's is.

So would I be unreasonable to make him chose, whether or not he is prepared to get married knowing I'm not changing my mind or call it off altogether? Then have the chat about what now for us etc! But I'd like to know maybe by the end of the day??
I don't like feeling pushed into a corner. I've been there before and this time I've found my voice.
I think knowing by the end of the day would help me. I need to be prepared when responding to everyone who will be receiving a save the date card!

I understand you wanting your name to reflect your family ancestry. You are proud of it.
Keep you own surname if thats what you want. I am more concerned about his unreasonable atititude to your wishes. At this point in time, he should want you to be happy.
He is showing his true colours and it's a sign of who he really is. It's my belief that there is always a sign of troubles ahead and we ignore it at our peril. Believe me, you will regret allowing yourself to be manouvoured in to agreeing to take his name. If you stick up for yourself now, it will be a signal to him that you will not be bullied in the future.

Call it off until he sees sense.

Whatever his reasons lame arse misogynist feelings for you taking his name, they could never excuse threatening to recind his marriage proposal if you don't fall into line. Take back the power woman! Decline his proposal (as it obviously comes with conditions) and take a careful look at your relationship because this might be the first time his manipulative/ controlling behaviour has been so obvious.

It has taken me ages to feel so excited about the wedding and now this... You can't plan a wedding with the threat of it being cancelled over your head!

OP, it's clear it does need to be resolved, though maybe not by the end of the day.

The options are:

1. You keep your name
2. You double barrel
3. You take his name.

His options are the same.

I know you are happy to do 1, if you are also happy to do 2, put that on the table. If you do 1 or 2, assume that youngest will retain double barrel. If you do 2, assume you may discuss double barrelling with eldest but it'll be partly up to them.

That's it. He can think about which of the three options he wants for himself but he isn't allowed to dictate your choice just as you won't dictate his.

You aren't moving on this so if he will only get married under option 3, he needs to accept that he is effectively cancelling the wedding and he probably should take some time to decide if he really wants to do that.

It's horrid emotional blackmail, OP. Don't cave!

I'm twice married and still have my birth name. First husband would very much have preferred if I changed it, and I did think about it, but in the end I was far too attached to being me to change. He accepted it with good grace. At least it made part of the divorce process easier, I wasn't saddled with the name of someone who I will happily never see again in this lifetime

Second husband, the conversation went like this.

Me: I'm not changing my name
Him: I don't know why you're even telling me this - I never thought you would.

There was no prospect of double barrelling as we'd have ended up with a bonkers clash of cultures name - think Hernandez-McSporran or similar. We'd never have been able to book a restaurant ever again.

Seriously, though, OP, good luck. You're not being in any way unreasonable and it's important to you and the children.

And as and when this gets resolved, a wider conversation about why he thinks he gets to dictate such things.

Please don't change your name - he's trying to bully and railroad you into doing something you really don't want to do and that's a huge, huge red flag. I'm also really concerned that he wants the 7 year old to change his name - he views you all on some level as 'his' and you fucking aren't. You are your own people including the 7 year old and you get to choose your own names.

Had this with the ex. I said casually when pregnant I wouldn't take a mans name when marrying (I'd already changed it for another reason and had only had my new surname 4 years) because my new name felt like me

He turned into a grade a twat.

I did point out his first wife took his surname and was still using it so he had passed it on

I did leave the bastard and gave out DC my surname. He has refused to see DC because of it and his mother only ever sent card to DC with exes name.

He should've come to register the birth with me but chose not to. I'm glad I made the decision to keep my name and give DC my name.

Thinking about marriage again. Don't fancy taking OHs name because with my first name it'll be a mouthful. Alliteration nightmare! And it's already causing some issues. I don't want my DC to change their name. They don't want to either! and I want all future DC to share a name.

Men can be dicks sometimes :(

I had the same issue before we got married.
I refused to change my name, DH said he didn't want to change his, but wanted us to have a family name. Taking my name wasn't an option because "that's not what people do".
He's not at all sexist, just very old fashioned in his thinking and can't get his head around new ways of doing things at first.
We now both have my surname and he loves his new name.
If either of us had had kids from previous relationships, we would have gone along with what the DC wanted - even if it was double barrelling, which sounds absolutely ridiculous with our names

OK Blu, I may have misunderstood you. Sorry. Far too used to some posters on here aggressively questioning and bashing some people's previous decisions.

The surname the children would be given was never discussed between us. I took DH's name after we married. The kids weren't yet born, so when they were it wouldn't have made any sense to give them any name other than the one I was already using.

Obviously YANBU. He's being a hypocrite and ballbag of the highest order. I would think very carefully about whether I wanted to marry or indeed remain in partnership with someone who'd try to bully me into complying with a patriarchal, sexist custom I didn't want to entertain (and it is sexist and patriarchal, so let's not have a dozen posts from women who think it couldn't possibly be, because they chose to do it and they have a vagina). Even if he backs down, I'd want some very clear discussions and an understanding of why his behaviour was so poor, before being willing to continue.

You get to decide your name, he gets to decide his. I wouldn't give him the choice of you staying as you are or double barrelling. Having named your children, I don't think it's fair to rebrand them because of any change in your relationship. If they're desperate to change then I suppose that's ok.

He's desperately immature if he thinks marriage is just about extinguishing your old surname. I wouldn't want to marry him. Get him to tell people it's off and explain why. Maybe that'll make him realise how much of a dick he is.

I know a woman who told me her husband would only marry her if she changed her name which she did. It's a silly unusuak bumpkin sounding name (think baggins) - i always wonder if she liked - now divorced though.

We agreed when naming our dc that we each had one pick of a name and one joint choice. The individual choice had to be mutually acceptable.
So Dc are 'my choice, joint choice, his choice', 'joint choice, my choice, his choice'. So both dc have his surname but I got to use names that are very special to me :)
If DH had had a desperate desire to use a particular first name then they might've had my surname.

I'd think carefully before issuing an immediate ultimatum about what you want for the relationship long term.

I honestly couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who called off a wedding to me because I wouldn't give in to him. Waiting till the save the dates went out seem to be a deliberate power play.

I don't understand how you could be happy to call off the wedding and go back to how things are, and I think you should think carefully to make sure you are - the worst of all words would be you saying fine, we'll call of the wedding, then the simmering resentment of that meaning you broke up in six months anyway.

Maybe counselling? Maybe just more time processing? What does he really see happening - is he prepared to call your guests up and tell them he wouldn't accept you not changing your name so he called off the wedding? Do you imagine many of them would expect you to still be a couple of told that?

I'm def not saying end your relationship, but don't assume you can do anything that won't have long term impacts at this point and think carefully about what's best for you.

(And don't give in on this: that would be the most slippery of slopes)

One of my teachers once told us there was no point as a. Changing bank cards, passports etc is a hassle and b. Half of all marriages end in divorce so either you have the same expense and hassle to change it back or you are stuck with someone elses name.

Thank you for all your responses.
I gave him a choice he wants to get married but isn't happy with the name thing!
I said how about him double barrelling and he doesn't want to change his name... So why should I and two children??

You shouldn't.

He's a sexist git.

interested, in why you, and others on this thread, question the tradition of a woman changing her name but appear to automatically assume that a child will have a father's name.

I wonder that too

I think we do the damn work and then we give them the daddy's last name... Bonkers!
Also isn't it something like 1 in 4 children have a different dad to the one who actual raises them (as in mum had a fling with someone else) that's even more

You don't want to upset him, but he doesn't seem to be worrying overmuch about upsetting you!

I honestly don't think you should marry him - he doesn't respect your opinion and your right to make decisions for yourself. That doesn't bode well.