To not change my name

[HeresashatinaboxpAt]

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues

1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!

2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.) 3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise. I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward? Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

It's nowhere near 1 in 4, OP. It's not even 1 in 4 of children who are paternity tested, IIRC (which of course is a self selecting group if you know there might be grounds)

"he doesn't want to change his name... "

Wally!

So the solution is - he is HisName, you are YourName, youngest remains double barrelled, eldest remains YourName unless and until eldest would like to double barrel.

He might prefer to be "traditional" (at this late stage...) but surely he can see that's a fair and logical approach even if emotionally he doesn't like it waah poor baby

Thank god my figures r wrong... Think I got that from Jeremy Kyle which probably is just based on their lot!
What u said is exactly what I just said to him.

Well, that probably is the proportion for Jeremy Kyle guests :)

if he gets so upset about something this trivial, it isn't good. Have you discussed the big stuff - children? Wills? future life plans?

He's being ridiculous. I do not understand (nor never have) why a woman takes a man's surname on marriage. It didn't used to be that way, back in the cobwebby recesses of history.
I stuck DH's surname onto the end of my name. DD has both surnames too. DH has his surname. He never insisted I took his name and we got married in the last century.

If your DP sees no reason to marry if you won't take his name, he has some serious issues to work through. For me, this would be a red flag.

I genuinely find it extraordinary that so many men think that what their wife is called is something that they get a say in – sometimes, as in this bloke, the main say in – but, of course, what they are called is not a joint decision at all. My name has nothing to do with my husband – I didn’t discuss it with him before marriage, I told him that I was planning to keep my name and that was that. I didn’t ask his opinion and he didn’t ask mine on his name either.

OP – call his bluff, tell him that, if the wedding is now meaningless to him, he’s free to call all your guests and explain to them why he’s calling it off.

It's going to be an on gouging argument I think which is horrid

I didn't change my name when I got married to stbexh. It didn't go down well at the time.he was meant to put my name down as the kids middle name when he went to register them, so at least it would be reflected in their names somewhere if never used, but 'forgot'. Therefore the kids don't share my name and neither is it reflected in their names at all. This upsets me a bit but it wouldn't be a deal breaker were I deciding wether to marry someone on the back of it.
He is being unreasonable.its your name. You are already compromising on double barrelling the kids and that should suffice.
As a codicil-both my girls have asked to have my family name added to theirs as a middle name now, as they are old enough to realise now that when I die there will be no more People in our family called 'conkers' and they think it would be nice to carry it on somehow, which is sweet of them.

That's lovely they would like that conkers

I was happy to change my name when I married XH and have not changed it back but even I think YANBU!

Your DP is being an idiot.

It's everyone's individual choice and I think if circumstances were different then my choice maybe also but it's not.

is that directed at me?

OP YADNBU!
I am not married, if I did marry DP I might and only might double barrel it, just because my name is literally the most boring surname on earth!

The only reason DS has DP's surname is for reasons of aesthetics basically, and I didn't want to double barrel it because it would sound so, so upper class. Think "Jones" and "St. John" or "Montgomery" so it would have been "Jones-Montgomery" ffs. For a kid in a council house on a rough estate it didn't feel right!! (I am aware that that is probably reverse snobbery btw!)

But that might change in the future.

DPs DDs have their Mums surname,and he doesn't mind at all. He couldn't give a hoot what people do with their names!

Re the kids getting their father's surname, I just reasoned that as we were married and as I gave up work to stay at home, the least I could do was to name his children after him as he was working hard for us all? And caring for me/them?

But I accept that if we had not been married might have been harder to do that, and that some married women might disagree with my choice/thinking.

That's GIVING new ppl a name though ... as opposed to changing a perfectly OK pre-existing name ie the one which me father gave to me. That's what I find sad. Why change your name? Especially as my father died before I got married. I wanted to stay labelled as I was born!

The changing of passports and bank cards etc is such a big job these days that for this reason alone I would think many women would think twice about name changing after marriage ... esp when many marriages fail.

Re the double-barrelling of names for children idea, hmm this seems quite a faff and a bit pretentious? And not easy for the next generation to do same without it all getting ridiculous? So think the easiest is to stick with mum's surname for all of them or dad's surname for all of them. (Not qualified to comment on families with children from more than one father as that's where is gets tricky I think!

But in my case it was also a conscious decision to not change who I was in keeping my name and to honour my husband by us naming our children after him.

Also annoys me how hard it is to find old female friends if they have married and have a new surname which I can't even guess at!

You can state that it won't be an ongoing argument.

" This is my position. We can all stay as we are or we can all change to double barrelled, subject to agreement of eldest. I don't want to hear any more about it as, to be honest, I am happy with the status quo. If you continue to argue with me about my own choices, I will note that as your opinion that you are worth more than me. I will walk away from such a conversation. If you decide to cancel the wedding on this, please contact all the guests and explain why"

Easy to type, I know, but you don't have to engage with him further on this when he is being so dogmatic.

"And not easy for the next generation to do same without it all getting ridiculous? "

The next generation of Jones-Smith and Brown-Greens can become Jones-Greens or any other permutation that suits - they will be grown ups then to pick what's best!

Rice burner, were you sitting on the sofa filing your nails all day while your do "took care" of his family?

I am nearly 48.

I have not, and never will, change my name. I just do not see any point to it.

DCs have DP's surname, but then we had a lot of discussion and as my own name is already double barrelled, and DP's surname is long enough as it is, we decided between us that this was the best option for us.

But regardless of the origin of the DCs surname, the name is now theirs to do as they will when they are old enough to decide.

But in OP's case, her eldest already has a surname and doesn't want to change it, so why should she? Or the OP? Why does everyone have to change in that family just because a bloke wants them all to?

I double barreled.
It was a nice name but 1.5 years after divorce finalised I'm still struggling to sort stuff out.
Had to get a proper certified copy of my marriage cert to get my passport changed.
Have had to send divorce papers all over the place.
Can't find birth certificate to send to get pension name changed.
And I kept my maiden name so it's not rocket science.
It's a right royal pain.
If I'd just kept my name I wouldn't of had any of these issues I'm still having.
Do NOT change your name.

I'd never marry again (learnt my lesson the 1st time) but even if that one a billion chance meant I did, I would not change my name.

Oh and my DD is also double barreled but wants rid of her Dads name.
She's 18 but I have told her he's still her dad and she's still half him so her surname can still be half his.
She just wants the same name as me.
We will see what happens.
I think she will keep it.

To the people who are asking why people assume children will have their fathers names and why that's acceptable - I definitely see this point of view but personally it's the CHANGING bit that has always bothered me. I've lived my life with my name so why should I change it? Children aren't asked to ever give up a name. Bad solution to a problem but double barrelled has its own issues.

And not easy for the next generation to do same without it all getting ridiculous?

The Spanish seem to cope alright.

I kept my name on marriage. DH kept his. Our children have our surnames combined not double barrelled.
So something like
dh name; mann
My name ; king
Children name ;kingmann
It's not those names but you get the gist!!

I like that MyUsername.