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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP has a right to meet a man who is going to be around his young DD?

169 replies

MintCakeYum · 19/05/2016 17:31

DP's ex has a new partner who is going to be staying the night regularly when their DD is home.

They were in bed together when DP dropped of his DD at her house last week.

DP would like to meet the man.

His ex doesn't have a great track record for straight and stable partners (DP excluded).

EX has lost her temper and screamed and shouted that it is none of his business and that she is capable of making her own judgements.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 19/05/2016 20:55

Personally, I think if your trying to coparent and make it work for your child it's a nice idea if everyone has at least had a vague introduction to people closely involved in their lives

Thats a nice idea, and obviously its the ideal. But if that was a sensible option here it wouldn't be in aibu in the first place, would it?

So fluffy and nice and your response is, its not terribly helpful.

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 20:55

Ah, Honey, you rock like a cocknose. Flowers

DuckAndPancakes · 19/05/2016 21:04

I did a giggle snort at HoneyDragon's response.

HoneyDragon · 19/05/2016 21:05

But telling the op her dp is likely to be an abusive dick and playing ex wife bingo is helpful?

Fantastic, I like to be helpful that's why I volunteer in a local school. Now I know I'm doing it wrong, tomorrow I shall call them all fucknosed cunt munchkins and tell them to sort their tiny lives out. If anyone asks I'll say it was the advice came from everyone's favourite parenting forum.

Nothing wrong with fluffy or idealism. It gives folk something to aspire to.

And I used the word 'if' because opinions were asked, not life management from Internet sprites.

HackerFucker22 · 19/05/2016 21:09

Why was the mother in bed with the new bf when the child was dropped off?

Sorry haven't rtwt so it's probably already been asked?

TheLavenderLeotard · 19/05/2016 21:24

It probably hasn't, Hacker, though I too haven't RTFT!
Anyway, the important thing on MN is that the OP's partner is painted as a controlling nutjob (he's a man, boo!) and his ex as some kind of heroine (she's a woman, she rocks!).
I mean, if your ex had a history of unsavory partners and was busy shagging at the appointed child-dropping-off-time...sod it! send your kid to spend time with them both anyway and cross your fingers...anything more is controlling!

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 21:39

I really hate this step-mum bashing. Not all women are RP and not all women are good mothers, and as for step-mums being called the OW I get so hacked off with being asked this, just because I met a man who shock horror has children who he has 99.999% of the time does not mean I was the OW. I did not steal him!

From what I've read.

  1. The DC mother used to be violent towards the DC father, so much so she has a criminal record for GBH.
  2. The father has found cigarette butts in his DC school bag
  3. The mother has had drug issues
  4. This lady is concerned for the well being of the child

Are you seriously telling me that with this in mind you wouldn't want to know who this man is? Because I would but in our case it may be different as we have children all the time and they see their actual mother every 12/18 months usually when she wants to show them off and I would be very concerned.

No as a general rule you shouldn't and do not have any right to know what your ex is doing romantically but you sure as hell have every right to protect your child.

jillyarmeen16 · 19/05/2016 21:43

If my ex demanded to vet any new boyfriend or partner of mine I'd laugh in his face.
As it happens we have a mutually respectful relationship with our son's best interests at heart so when I met someone and moved in with him I let my sons father know, out of courtesy and because I keep him updated on things going on in ds life. They met each other at drop offs pick ups. When that relationship when to shit ds dad was one of the first people I told, so he could support ds if he needed it.
I don't know or care if ex is seeing anyone, I trust him to put my son first and protect him. Who he sleeps with is none of my business whatsoever. If he moved someone in I would like it to be mentioned nothing more.

Vickyyyy · 19/05/2016 22:07

I don't see what a meeting would achieve really. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for a short while so even if this guy is a drugged up violent arsehole, hes not going to show it. And if he doesn't approve, theres nowt can be done about it so its just going to be stress all round for nothing.

I can see why he would want to effectively 'vet' this guy who is going to be spending time with his child, but it doesn't work that way. Did his ex make a point of meeting you?

I have met hubbys ex..he has 3 kids with her..at one stage all of them were living with us for over a year! This was quite early on in our relationship too...good thing I get on with his ex and love his kids eh...people still ask how the hell I managed to do that without going crazy. He doesn't meet her partners or anything though, despite them being good friends (which is also apparently weird for exs...) as he trusts her judgement. Also his kids are old enough to tell him if anyone questionable was popping round. They grass on their uncle for drinking cans in their house occasionally lol. But I can't see there ever being a situation where a partner of hers would be a problem...see we know she puts the kids first as every parent should do. If your partner does not know this about his ex, and she is as bad as what has been made out to be in this thread...I would question why he hasn't gone for full custody also as it doesn't sound like shes too great a parent allowing drugs and such around her kids Hmm

DarkDarkNight · 19/05/2016 22:23

I'm a single mum, not dating or thinking about it at the moment, but I think my ex would have every right to at least know something about a man who will be spending time with my child.

Why should the dad automatically trust somebody they don't know around their child? There are too many horror stories to say it is none of his business. Of course it's his business, it's his child.

hownottofuckup · 19/05/2016 22:40

I'm pretty sure that under Sarah's Law your DP can apply to the police with the new partners full details, they will check if there is anything of concern on record. If there is both the mum and your DP (presuming he has parental responsibility) will be informed and visited by officers and social workers.
You do not have to have any evidence of harm or even suspicions to do this.
I have gone through this myself re exP's lodgers.
He can't demand to meet him though. Although personally I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 22:43

Sarah's law checks only for child sex offences, doesn't it?

hownottofuckup · 19/05/2016 22:45

www.wiltshire.police.uk/contact-us/click-on/sarah-s-law

Obviously that's Wiltshire police but it'll be the same for any force presuming you're in the UK.
Might at least put DP's mind at rest a bit.

hownottofuckup · 19/05/2016 22:47

Yea it is.

Ludways · 19/05/2016 22:51

Absolutely no right at all, yabu.

Dh's exw is entitled to chose her own boyfriends, none of his business. As it happens her new husband is great, Dh likes him, they meet on handover day, lol

Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 22:51

I'm pretty sure that under Sarah's Law your DP can apply to the police with the new partners full details, they will check if there is anything of concern on record. If there is both the mum and your DP (presuming he has parental responsibility) will be informed and visited by officers and social workers.
You do not have to have any evidence of harm or even suspicions to do this.

Great. Just because the poor guy exists. That should scare him off nicely.

hownottofuckup · 19/05/2016 22:53

He won't know unless something comes up.
And even if it does they don't tell you who made the application.

Marynary · 19/05/2016 22:58

It is probably human nature to want to meet his ex's new partner but he has no right to do that if she doesn't want him to do. It's not as if meeting the new partner would make any difference. What is he going to do if he doesn't like them? Forbid his ex from seeing them?

Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 23:01

He won't know unless something comes up.
And even if it does they don't tell you who made the application.

And then what?

And why?

It won't tell you about 99% of the undesirable behaviours a step-figure could indulge in and it won't predict the future.

hownottofuckup · 19/05/2016 23:12

Nope it won't. But it will tell you and the authorities if there is a cause for concern that her parents may not be aware of. As is oft qouted on MN, the majority of harm done to children is by people they know, so it's not an unreasonable thing to be concerned about.

It's something OP's DP is legally entitled to do and was implemented to help safe guard children, I mentioned it only so OP would be aware that it's an option in case she wasn't already.

VioletBam · 19/05/2016 23:17

Your partner is wrong, he is probably controlling and he also has a skewed idea about his role in his exes life.

OP listen up....this is unanimous....your partner is wrong. Watch out for yourself.

HoneyDragon · 19/05/2016 23:20
EveryoneElsie · 19/05/2016 23:21

Did he introduce you to her?
If not, doesn't that suggest a double standard?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/05/2016 23:40

Sarah's law and Clare's law works on a need to know basis, they will often not disclose any information at all to the person who makes the request even if that person has PR.

They disclose to the person best placed to protect the vulnerable or at risk person.

In most cases that will be the adult at risk of violence or the parent of the child who has care of the child when they are likely to come into contact with the risk.
The vast majority of the time notifications will also occur with a SW in attendance.

They will not disclose offences not covered by those rules

RockMeMomma · 19/05/2016 23:48

It is none of your business. Stay out of it

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