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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think DP has a right to meet a man who is going to be around his young DD?

169 replies

MintCakeYum · 19/05/2016 17:31

DP's ex has a new partner who is going to be staying the night regularly when their DD is home.

They were in bed together when DP dropped of his DD at her house last week.

DP would like to meet the man.

His ex doesn't have a great track record for straight and stable partners (DP excluded).

EX has lost her temper and screamed and shouted that it is none of his business and that she is capable of making her own judgements.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 19:23

It's not meeting that's unreasonable per se, it's the notion that he is vetting them because he doesn't trust her judgement

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 19:24

Well this is a drippy one, isn't it?

No, he doesn't have a right to meet the partner. I can see why he'd want to. But then, even if the partner smokes weed, surely the bigger concern here is the violent ex partner? He'd put his mind at ease if he went for residency. And as there's a police record of her behaviour, I imagine he has a good chance of getting it.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:24

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AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 19:24

Yeah, DH and I both met our childminder and our nursery provider - that's different!

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 19:25

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PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/05/2016 19:26

Ehhhhh where's the need to call people cunts Brian? No need. No one's said anything that bad.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 19/05/2016 19:27

The thing is how will he know by a 2 min meeting if he is "safe"?

Genuine question, am not being sarcy

NameChangeMum456 · 19/05/2016 19:28

Nope, not at all.

As two adults with parental responsibility, each has a right to pursue their own relationships without any controlling behaviour from the other. If there are concerns about safety, there are routes to take that don't involve demanding to meet and basically judge this other person's choice of partner. Either via Family Court, or if more immediate concerns, social services/school.

In a more balanced co-parenting partnership, without the one-upmanship about who is better for the child, you might find that the other parent introduces their partner as a personal choice, but I can tell you that when there is bitterness and judgement, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything of the sort and the other parent would just have to deal with it.

Two people's issues with each other due to relationship breakdown has absolutely nothing to do with their parenting, if there are concerns about parenting, there is clear actions to take, if action has been taken and the child remains in the other person's custody, then obviously the child is being cared for adequately? No parent has a perfect history or perfect judgement.

All this I say coming from learning this personally through experience (and making my own mistakes), and currently trying to get custody of my own child due to concerns. I cannot judge anything about my ex other than whether I think he is a risk to our child's health, safety and well being, and then my responsibility was not to return them to his care until I'd ascertained via social services and CAFCASS they were at no immediate risk, and then follow the legal process to look at where they'd be better off living.

I'll have a moan about him, but having gone through the whole process of Court, CAFCASS, parenting course etc, I have come to see that our opinions of each other are not relevant, we need to put them aside and focus on what is, and that's the child. You can't change what you have no control over, and it's better to find common ground between yourselves and support each other (no matter how imperfect and frustrating the other parent is) because anything else only damages the child's experience.

DuckAndPancakes · 19/05/2016 19:30

Maybe not have the right to meet him, but know who he is to be able to do basic background checks on him. Being concerned with regards to who he is or what his background is doesn't make him anything other than a concerned parent.
If she won't consent to having the guys name given out for checks to ensure there's nothing dodgy about him, I'd probably be worried but hey ho.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:31

I think accusing OP's OH of being as bad as her abusive/dodgy partners and calling him controlling is quite pious tbf.

The men aren't always to blame. A shock to most in MumsnetLand I know.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 19:32

So because someone has a different opinion to you, he or she is a 'pious cunt'?

Overreaction much?

TheNaze73 · 19/05/2016 19:33

Whilst I appreciate you have good intentions, YABU

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 19:34

Maybe not have the right to meet him, but know who he is to be able to do basic background checks on him.

Do people really do background checks on their exes' partners? Confused

MeMySonAndl · 19/05/2016 19:34

I had a boyfriend who used to tell me horrible things the ex wife was or had said about him. I thought, at the beginning, the woman was a bitch. A few months down the line I found myself agreeing with everything she had said.

So, really woman, I could bet you are with a controlling arse that has not shown his true colours yet.

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 19:36

I think accusing OP's OH of being as bad as her abusive/dodgy partners and calling him controlling is quite pious tbf.

I think you and I understand the word 'pious' very differently.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/05/2016 19:36

Yeah, I see no one being pious. You're kinda verging on it though...

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:36

Also OP, before the restraining order my OH did run a check (not sure which one) with the police, and it came back clear. In his situation, his ex was completely out of control and he genuinely couldn't trust her judgement (she is still, 2 years on, only allowed supervised access - her parents have to be there at all times)

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:37

Pious - the Mumsnet line/religion of it always being the man at fault.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:39

Ooo when did 'cunt' become such a shocking word on Mumsnet.

Things really have changed.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/05/2016 19:39

You're talking mince now.

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 19:40

Pious - the Mumsnet line/religion of it always being the man at fault.

Ah yes, I'd forgotten that mumsnet opinions change dictionary definitions. Silly me.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:43

I was comparing the desire to jump on board Mumsnet "men = bad" with the devout desire to follow one's "religion".

No changing of definitions here.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:44

No, Paula, I'm just disagreeing with the pasting OP got from some earlier in the thread.

corythatwas · 19/05/2016 19:44

I don't think we are all being pious here; just reminding the OP that as this child's father's new partner, then from the pov of the mother she represents the same potential threat.

BrianCoxReborn · 19/05/2016 19:44

And I didn't say "all". I don't think everyone is at the OP.