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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP has a right to meet a man who is going to be around his young DD?

169 replies

MintCakeYum · 19/05/2016 17:31

DP's ex has a new partner who is going to be staying the night regularly when their DD is home.

They were in bed together when DP dropped of his DD at her house last week.

DP would like to meet the man.

His ex doesn't have a great track record for straight and stable partners (DP excluded).

EX has lost her temper and screamed and shouted that it is none of his business and that she is capable of making her own judgements.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 19/05/2016 18:20

Also, I'm assuming you'd allow your DP to answer, on demand from his ex, any/all questions involving you, your relationship with him etc.
So his ex can ensure that you remain suitable to be around her kids.

Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 18:21

Well tell us. DID she demand to meet (vet) you OP?

diddl · 19/05/2016 18:33

Of course he has no right!

How often does he have his daughter?

GingerIvy · 19/05/2016 18:34

He did however find rizlas and emptied out cigarettes in DD's changing bag the other month

Curious. If the DD needs a changing bag, then obviously fairly young. How long have you been on the scene then OP? Because if you were the OW in this situation, then I'd say him wanting to meet her new boyfriend is pretty damn ballsy and might explain why she was not pleased with his request.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 19/05/2016 18:40

So, DP's ex is violent, has poor judgement, loses her temper, has counselling, support and medication...
Did he fight tooth and nail for custody of his daughter? How did such an upstanding member of the community not get it?

corythatwas · 19/05/2016 18:44

Just5minswithDacre Thu 19-May-16 18:21:24

"Well tell us. DID she demand to meet (vet) you OP?"

This. And if she had not approved, would she have got to veto you?

Redtomatojuice · 19/05/2016 18:44

I think it's only fair of his Ex to introduce a man who is around their child a lot. Of course your DP would want to know.

I introduced my Ex to my DP, showed him our new house, got him around for dinner! And I don't even like my Ex - but I knew he'd want to know how and who his own child lives with.

But he can't force it. And if he's already wary and looking for fault then would it really do any good?

Pinkheart5915 · 19/05/2016 18:49

I can understand him wanting to meet the partner that's around DD, I believe this would be the grown up right way for the ex partner to go about things even if a 5 minute chat.

Have you meet his ex as your around DD? Would be only right if he feels strongly about meeting her partner.

He can't force a meeting thought I'm afraid so he will just have to accept its not going to happen

paxillin · 19/05/2016 18:50

I can see why he would want to know, but he has no right to demand it, much less a veto.

mushroomsontoast · 19/05/2016 18:52

YABU. As someone else said, either he trusts her to be responsible for looking after his DD or he doesn't.

I have never met exH's partner. He was a rubbish husband but he's a good dad, I trust him. Tbh I would have no problem with meeting her if the situation arose, but she never comes along when he picks up the DC.

Similarly, I have had one boyfriend since we split up who has met the DC. It never occurred to me he should meet exH.

Ivegotyourgoat · 19/05/2016 18:56

It sounds to me less about whether he should meet her boyfriend and more about whether he should be applying for custody.

Meeting the boyfriend isn't going to make any difference if he doesn't trust his dds mum.

MammaTJ · 19/05/2016 18:58

Legally, he does not have a leg to stand on.

I know this because my ExH left me for the OW, when I found out for sure, I demanded to meet her before he could have DD at their place.

My solicitor told me I could not stop him from having her there. I either trusted him to have DD, in which case I had to trust his judgement on who DD spent time with while with him, or I didn't!

Practically though, I could and did, until they had given in.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 18:59

"Dp excluded"

Oh, rilly ? Hmm

WeDoNotSow · 19/05/2016 19:00

I know someone who went absolutely crazy at her ex, on the verge of being physical, screaming, threatening.
His crime? His new gf had texted him to ask how his DD was after she'd been rushed to hospital. She 'didn't care' about him at all, apparently, but 'THEIR daughter was nothing to do with HER'

That's what this reminds me of!!

NickiFury · 19/05/2016 19:00

He has no "right" whatsoever. That's it really.

Vaara · 19/05/2016 19:00

I've met Exh DP but that's because she was a "friend" before she became OW.

Wouldn't ever occur to me to even mention a new BF of mine to exh. It's got fuck all to do with him.

Agree that the relevant question here is custody. Either he trusts her or he doesn't, and if he doesn't why isn't he going for custody?

You don't get to bitch from the sidelines, you either help out or fuck off in his situation.

Sandbrook · 19/05/2016 19:09

I'm not trying to be a GF either but wondering why out of respect for each other and the DD don't the parents agree to meet new partners.
Surely the safety of the child should be considered when any new person is introduced into the family unit.

memyselfandaye · 19/05/2016 19:10

So if she is such an awful Mum why doesn't the child live with her Father?

Or would that impact on his social life and finances too much?

Original poster
MintCakeYum · 19/05/2016 19:12

Hmmm, I guess we're in the minority here.

From my POV I would want to meet a regular babysitter or childminder who was going to be around my DC overnight, even if my ex thought they were fine. I would simply want to meet the person.

I asked to meet my exes partner when it got serious because she would be spending a lot of time with DC. He understood.

I think the fact his ex doesn't have a great track record with men & drugs makes him anxious. He does trust her, just perhaps not her judgement in certain situations. She is a great mother by all accounts and his DD stays with us regularly. He also met the childminder BTW, at exes suggestion.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/05/2016 19:18

And before you insisted, had you met his daughter?

diddl · 19/05/2016 19:19

They are not a babysitter or CM though. The child's other parent is there!

Original poster
MintCakeYum · 19/05/2016 19:20

Before I asked to meet my exes partner had I met whose daughter? My partners? Sorry I don't understand the question.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/05/2016 19:22

Had you met the daughter before the ex?

MaudGonneMad · 19/05/2016 19:22

Did you meet the ex before you met your DP's daughter? So she could approve of you?

memyselfandaye · 19/05/2016 19:22

If my son's Father asked to meet anyone I was seeing, he would be told to fuck off.

What I do and who I see is none of his business, and it works both ways, I have no interest in who he sleeps with.

So if he meets the Mother's boyfriend and doesn't like him, then what? What is it going to achieve?