Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/05/2016 12:58

Am sorry some of your family and friends were so rubbish somedyke: people can be so weird and behave so badly!

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:00

I see my mum everyday,we live close,she looks after my children,if I were to say you don't need to have the kids today I'm going out she would ask where,im not gonna lie,so shes gonna wanna come

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 19/05/2016 13:01

I can see why he eloped. Why would your mum need to know that you're going to visit him? Does she know everywhere you go. The reason why you missed out is because it was their wedding. I imagine the family rift is one of the reasons.

I wish them all the best.

agapanthii · 19/05/2016 13:01

You had the wedding you wanted. He had the wedding he wanted. That's what grown ups do.

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 13:01

I actually feel for you op.

At first I did write saying I felt you were BU but I think I get the angle you were coming from now.

After hearing about the family rift I get the impression that it's not about not being invited so much, as the realisation that he doesn't want to, try and improve his relationship with you type of thing?

You have been caught in the cross fire of his row with your sister but because he doesn't trust your parents not to put him in a position where he has to 'sort it out' with his sister he's distances himself from everyone to avoid that.
So looking at it from that perspective I guess him getting married he's made it clear to you he intends to keep you at a distance.

Personally if you want to see him more show your not taking sides.
Buy him a congratulations card and a bottle of wine to celebrate.

Stop worrying about your parents feelings or trying to make it better for them because that's up to them to work out with him. And I guess by trying to help patch things up he's seen it as you not taking his side.

If you want to be close to him again I would go and see him and his wife congratulate them, explain to them you love him and your sister equally and would never do anything to jepodise your relationship with him, you will never put him in a position where he will have to face his sister if he sees you? Maybe work at it from that angle and see if it changes things?

64PooLane · 19/05/2016 13:03

I see my mum everyday,we live close,she looks after my children,if I were to say you don't need to have the kids today I'm going out she would ask where,im not gonna lie,so shes gonna wanna come

Then just let her have the kids as usual and go see him. No need to bring them, surely Confused

whois · 19/05/2016 13:03

I'd have been gutted if my sister had got married without me. By not fuming.

DailyMailFodder · 19/05/2016 13:04

I can understand you feel sad especially as this has highlighted the fragmentation in your family but, if I were you, I'd get over being sad and go out and choose a lovely card and present. It up to you to decide whether to be aggrieved by this or happy for him.

It's very understandable why they wanted a low key private wedding. They've already got a kid and they have been together a while. It would be impossible for them to have a family wedding without some sort of drama or going is on. Surely you can see that.

How about phoning them and asking if you can pop round with the card and present. Maybe its best to try and keep out of the family gossiping. If anyone asks just tell them to be happy for your brother and his wife.

PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 13:04

You don't need to take the kids with you. You can say you decided on the spur of the moment to visit him. FFS OP, I've tried my best to understand but now you're just making silly excuses! You're a grown up and so is he. Your mother does not own any of you and you really need to decide weather you actually want a relationship with your brother. I'm actually starting to feel really sorry for him and I can see why he's distanced himself from the family. You all sound like children, afraid of your mum.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:05

well he is my childrens uncle,and he has a child,so I would want to take the kids so they can see him and their cousin

OP posts:
DailyMailFodder · 19/05/2016 13:06

OP. I think you should be honest with your Mum and say that you want to visit your brother on your own for a quick visit.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 13:06

"i have never met up with him just us" Sad

This makes me really sad, OP. I hope you can find a way to get to know these people as adults. It's tricky with siblings, I know. Particularly when you're older than them.. but I think this is the root of the issue here. It's all or nothing because the individual relationships in the middle are missing.

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/05/2016 13:06

Sounds like your mother has you all infantilised and he's broken free. You'd be better off dropping her and the loser bitchy sister and growing up. They sound awful.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/05/2016 13:08

It sounds as though there is a very big rift in the family anyway, which is sad but it happens.

But given you aren't a close family, it doesn't seem surprising to me that he chose to get married without you all there.

Aren't you really trying to say that you are sorry that there are these issues within your family?

You've had some pretty shitty replies on this thread btw Brew

BertPuttocks · 19/05/2016 13:09

If you've grown up with the idea that you can't even visit family without having to let your mum know, I can see why the wedding was such a big deal to you all.

It all sounds so stifling. You only see each other as a group. Your mum has to know about everything. I can see why your brother has opted out of that lifestyle.

LaConnerie · 19/05/2016 13:09

OP I'm sorry but I don't blame your brother for going off and getting married without your family being there. With all the arguments and rifts going on, how would that have been a happy wedding day for your brother and his wife? First he would have been on the receiving end of a whole heap of shit from various directions for not inviting the one sister (who won't apologise even though you all admit she said something awful to him - so she sounds delightful Hmm). Then he would have had the worry that she may turn up anyway. On top of all that the rest of you would have been talking behind his back about him and his wife and how awful it is that the whole family aren't together. Doesn't exactly sound like a lovely wedding day does it?

If you genuinely want to sort things with your brother, I would first give your sister a stern talking to about the way she's treated him. Why is the rest of your family so accepting of her saying something 'awful' to him and then not apologising? Seems to me the wrong person has been ostracised here...

Then I would talk to your brother. Tell him YOU (as in the singular, adult person) are sad you no longer see him and would love to meet up. And don't tell anybody else you are doing it. Concentrate on building a relationship with him alone.

Then I would learn to slightly disengage yourself from living in your mum's pocket. Maybe you do need to see her most days if she looks after your children, but why do you need to give her details of what you're doing if you're going out? It's not lying to just say "Oh, just got some stuff to do, seeing a friend, etc". Your mother has no right to know what another grown woman is doing!

There is such a can of worms here I don't know where to start to be honest...

64PooLane · 19/05/2016 13:09

well he is my childrens uncle,and he has a child,so I would want to take the kids so they can see him and their cousin

FGS. That can wait - in fact, it SHOULD wait - until you have dealt with the adult bridge-building conversation that needs to be had.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:10

I'm not afraid of my mother,its just she has my children while I work,if I was take the day off and didn't need her to have the kids she would ask where are u off to?im not gonna lie,but she would want to come,if she comes it would get his back up cos he will think our other sister will turn up to wherever we have chosen to meet

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 13:11

Just out of curiosity, how do the son-in-laws get on with your parents and the rest of the family?

Headofthehive55 · 19/05/2016 13:12

I wouldn't bother even mentioning it to your brother. Wouldn't bother with a card or presents. They have made it clear they didn't want you around (or they would have invited you). Whether someone is married or not makes no difference to you in your day to day life.

It is indeed hurtful. Part of being a social animal, is sharing. Sharing food, events, time together. It's not that anyone has a right to be there, but about nurturing the relationship. I don't think people realise that instead of having a relative there which may strengthen a bond, not sharing will only serve to strain remaining bonds.

People are free to do as they wish. But for every action there is a consequence.

Yes you can be happy for someone, but that will not bring you closer.

beccabanana · 19/05/2016 13:12

So go on a day you're not working?

PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 13:14

Why do you even have to tell her you're having the day off? Do you tell her everything you're doing, OP. I still think you're making excuses.

As a matter of fact, why don't you tell her you feel that you need to see him by yourself because of the reasons you've given? Why don't you tell her it might help you and your brother get closer if there is no one else there?

64PooLane · 19/05/2016 13:15

OP, you're ignoring perfectly simple ways round these reasons why you 'can't' sort this out like an adult.

I know you're hurt but if you do really want things to improve, I think you need to take a step back and look at this whole family dynamic, and maybe consider whether your view of what's 'normal' in terms of family closeness is a little skewed towards one end of a scale.

coffeeisnectar · 19/05/2016 13:17

How many siblings are there?

I get the impression that you are one of these families where there is the matriarch and you all live in each others pockets. That's fine if it's what you like but for others it's stifling.

Sounds like your brother has had enough of being involved with such a suffocating existence and has distanced himself. I don't blame him for eloping, I would have done as well. Sounds like it would not only have been incredibly expensive paying for all the siblings, partners and kids plus extended family but also a nightmare for him when he'd have felt obliged to invite the sister he doesn't like or feel the fury of the extended family group.

Gazelda · 19/05/2016 13:17

OP, leave your parents out of how you react. This isn't a group decision.

How do you feel about his marriage?

I can understand you being disappointed not to witness the wedding, but are you happy for him? Are you wanting to see them to congratulate them both? If so, do those things. If you don't sincerely feel happy for your DB, then let the rift continue.