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Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:39

OP, I get it - really I do. You're not furious, you're disappointed. That's okay. And I do think you want to fix the relationship, but by saying "it would be hard to arrange to see my brother without mum wanting to come" you're saying you'd rather not see him, than have a conversation with your mum about wanting to visit him by yourself?

Whether you realise or not, you've made it clear he is not your priority here.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:39

he knows I have told him,he just thinks we all want to make them make up and that we would set them up and lock them in a room together or something

OP posts:
Bolograph · 19/05/2016 12:39

don't get me started on the wife

I think anyone who refers to their sister in law as "the wife", about whom she doesn't want to be "[got] started" shouldn't be playing all innocent about why she wasn't invited to the wedding.

It sounds like he had a much nicer day without you and your family than he could possibly have had with you. It all sounds hellish.

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 19/05/2016 12:40

I get on really well with my family but DP and I have a rift with his parents. We are (loosely) planning a wedding and I would love to elope. I don't want all eyes on me walking down the aisle, we don't really have the money for a big do, I find time spent with future PIL enormously stressful and I dread having to decide which friends to invite as I really want a smallish day. I feel we will have to go through with a "proper" wedding because I know our families would be upset if we eloped and we don't want to disappoint them. OP- do you think it is right then that DP and I are planning a potentially stressful day, at a cost to us, inviting PIL who we find very difficult, just to "give" them a wedding?

CarolH78 · 19/05/2016 12:43

"why should we all miss out"

There it is again - "we, we, we". You seem to be thinking only about you and your parents feelings, not about your brother's. You don't think that's just a little bit selfish? Considering it's HIS wedding after all? He gets married and all his family can think about is themselves. No wonder he doesn't want to see you much. Jesus.

And Flowers for christmaswreaths, I hope you and DH get your proper wedding soon! It's so selfish when people expect their family to sacrifice their own preferences. On someone's wedding day the most important thing is that the two people getting married are happy. Anyone who thinks their own wishes are more important than the actual couple doesn't deserve to be there in the first place.

Kidnapped · 19/05/2016 12:46

You are a bit caught in the cross-fire OP. Both with your brother's relationship with your family and on this forum. Not a nice place to be but you can be on good terms with your brother if you both want to be.

Can't you just talk to him?

Congratulate them both. Tell him that you would love to have a little do at your house to celebrate - just your parents, you and your family and his family. No other siblings will be invited - be very clear about that. Very informal, a couple of drinks and a hamburger type of thing. If he agreed to that, it would be a start in the right direction for everyone.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:46

the wife hasn't made the situation worse but nothing has been resolved in 6 years so not any better either,we all work and have our own families,as there are quite alot of us so we tend to meet up altogether,i see other bros and sisters on their own as does mum but as we don't see this brother much if I were to say I'm going to see him today mum would want to come to,havent told my sister she was a dick infront of him cos like I said they haven't been in the same room for 6 years,she didn't say what she said to him,he found out and she denys it

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 12:49

I'm beginning to wonder how many decisions in the family are made in irder to keep the parents happy? Is it, by any chance, the type if family that is 'close' until some one wants to do something of which the rest feel entitled to give their opinion/approval of? Step back, OP, and take a good look at your family. Is it really as close as you think or is it controlling?

expatinscotland · 19/05/2016 12:50

I have now read the entire thread. And I can see why he eloped. Dodged a bullet there. Good on him.

Andrewofgg · 19/05/2016 12:51

My sister did this forty-odd years ago. I wasn't bothered but my DM was upset.

Then last year my niece did the same thing and my sister had the nerve to be pissed off!

OP: they've done what's right for them. Suck it up and wish them well.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:52

I don't mean to be rude, but I am not hearing what any of that has to do to prevent you, as an individual, reaching out to him, as an individual. You're all adults, with your own jobs and families - as you say. Part of a wider family scheme, sure, but maybe it's time you were also all adults with your own relationships to each other, as individuals not just as this collective? From what you've said your relationship with your brother is being adversely affected by other people's crap. You have a right to circumvent that to see and speak to him.

Dozer · 19/05/2016 12:52

Why are you calling her "the wife"?!

Ridiculous that you won't see him alone because "we" don't see him much, "we all get together" (except him), and you can't face a difficult conversation with your mother or deal with annoying her you won't see him.

wolfwhistleme · 19/05/2016 12:52

Ok, Its was their wedding their choice. If it was me, I would just accept it, families are funny things...i know but what an excuse for a celebration though...be happy for your brother.

Bolograph · 19/05/2016 12:53

if I were to say I'm going to see him today mum would want to come too

How would she know?

64PooLane · 19/05/2016 12:53

All this what was said by who and the talk of 'side-taking' and 'denying it' sounds like an exhausting nightmare, and a bit like you're all stuck in roles established in childhood. No wonder your brother wants to break free a bit.

If you actually want to see your brother, and you think your mum will want to come if you mention it - just don't mention it? Why do you have to 'say' that you're going to see him - can't you just go? You're an adult. Not saying you have to conceal it, but just mention it once you've been.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 19/05/2016 12:54

I think your posts have made it very clear why he got married the way he did.

You've got two choices, your parents can put their own feelings to one side and congratulate him or they can act like sulky teenagers and push him further away.

He's an adult he gets to choose how he lives his life.

Read the stately homes thread, because if they go down the latter route that will be the future. He'll probably go non contact with all of you.

GasLightShining · 19/05/2016 12:54

Haven't read the whole thread and from someone who got married and then told the family - he can do what he wants.

I had my reasons and no doubt he has his

Congratulate him. Nothing wrong with saying in a nice way not an angry way that you wish you could have been there

Send some flowers too

teablanket · 19/05/2016 12:55

I always thought the "SIL" abbreviations were a bit annoying, but I'd take that over being called "the wife" any day! Yikes!

Why would you need to tell your mum you were going to see him? You say he lives locally - - can't you just go?

blueskywithclouds · 19/05/2016 12:55

I can also see why he did this. If they had had a big wedding, and didn't invite family members they had fallen out with then no doubt there would have been an explosion. I had a very small wedding for the same reasons. It still managed to piss people off who thought they had a right to an invite. I don't blame them for wanting no fuss, sounds like it was more straight forward.

beccabanana · 19/05/2016 12:56

OP you're answering your own questions here - all this talk about not being able to see your bro without mum and him being afraid you'll coup him up with everyone to sort all this mess out - this is EXACTLY what he feels would have happened if he'd invited you to his wedding! Can't you see that? He wants to marry his wife without any family drama which clearly there would have been. Why is this so hard to see? Just be happy for him!

Joystir · 19/05/2016 12:56

Why cant you just be happy for him. Why is this about you?

Lovemylittlebears · 19/05/2016 12:56

Sorry but you are being selfish don't spoil it for him by making a fuss. It's disappointing but it's up to them and you should at least act happy for thrm

Pandora2016 · 19/05/2016 12:57

I don't think your brother wants more arguments either, hence the eloping.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:57

I'm calling her the wife as I cant say her name and have only just found out they are married so it seems strange to say sil,out of all our siblings me and this brother were never that close,he was always closest with the sister hes now fallen out with,we have just always met up as a group,i don't know why,we just have,i have never met up with him just us,it would feel a bit awkward I suppose now even more so what with the rift

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 19/05/2016 12:57

OP - i can see you are disappointed but there is no point being angry with your DB and his wife. They have got married the way they want to. I think a phone call to congratulate them might go a long way to help building bridges.

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