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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 19/05/2016 12:26

So you don't like his wife

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:26

don't get me started on the wife

Sounds like your brother dodged a bullet there, OP.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/05/2016 12:27

What on earth did she say that caused a 6 year rift of this depth?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:28

no the falling out was nothing to do with babysitting or helping out,yes I can see what you are saying,but why should we all miss out because of something my sister has done

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 12:28

And there is the truth of the matter! Did your sister mouth off about his wife? You don't like the wife. I can see why he didn't have a wedding with any of you there. Good for him.

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/05/2016 12:28

Parents aren't happy so there'll be more arguments'.
Proves he was right then if they're selfish enough to cause more trouble over this. Can't you see how obvious it is he's better off away from you all? He did the right thing, poor bloke. I don't even think it was a choice, just a fact that it would have to be that way.

Dozer · 19/05/2016 12:29

Suggest you focus less on "we" (you and your sister, you and your parents) and the various dynamics in your family and more on your personal relationship with your brother, leaving others out of your conversations. Perhaps over time if you're both willing you can improve it.

beccabanana · 19/05/2016 12:29

Have you thought he might have done this in order to stop any further tension or arguments with your family? Weddings often cause the happiest of families to argue so if there's an issue with your sister he might be thinking 'well if I don't invite her but invite other people it will cause more falling out, my parents might be upset their other daughter isn't invited' etc and so the best thing for them is to marry on their own in their own way. A family member I'm very close to eloped and just came back and announced they married - I couldn't be happier for them, it was their day how they wanted it, not about everyone else!

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:30

"why should we all miss out"

You didn't "miss out"!! You seem to think you there was an obligation to invite you that was revoked. There was no such obligation in the first place!

christmaswreaths · 19/05/2016 12:31

Well we have had the opposite situation and I found it incredibly upsetting.

DH I and I decided to get married and had planned to go the Caribbean to have a beach wedding. This had always been my dream. Also, his parents were not that keen on me and my family live abroad, so we thought this would also avoid a lot of politics. But the absolutely main reason is that me and him wanted to do something special with each other.

Sadly I made the mistake of telling my mum - she was like you - furious. She threatened that if I didn't have a wedding in the UK or our home country she would never speak to me for the rest of her life. Then the whole family proceeded to tell me the same.

Although I SHOULD have gone ahead and done what I wanted, I didn't and ended up with a small wedding in the UK, to which only our closest family members attended. It was not the best day of my life and I felt resentful. I still regret it and DH and I still say that was not our real wedding and can't wait to have the wedding we always wanted, maybe we'll do it for our 15th anniversary, as we are already at our 12th now!

People should let people do what they want on the special day.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:32

Bah, errant "you" in that post. Sorry should read "You seem to think you there was an obligation to invite you that was revoked."

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:32

I do like his wife,i don't really know her,they have been together 8 years and for 6 we have hardly seen him,so we don't know her very well,our sister doesn't like the wife,poverty pain-on the right sort of track but I cant say what it was that was said

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 19/05/2016 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vickyyyy · 19/05/2016 12:33

His choice tbh. Maybe his wife (or him) is quite like me and hates attention. I gave in and had a wedding with guests as it was important to my partner and I knew my dad would want to give me away, BUT if my partner hadn't been so insistent on it I would have been tempted to just bugger off and do it in private.

leelu66 · 19/05/2016 12:34

I think you all need to get tougher with your sister. If I were your parents, and I knew my daughter was in the wrong, I would tell her she isn't getting any help until she apologises for hurtful comments to her brother.

Has your DB's wife made the situation worse?

Dozer · 19/05/2016 12:34

Again "we we we" (you and sister, you and parents): don't you have independent views and an independent relationship with your brother?

If not, perhaps that could be changed!

TheNaze73 · 19/05/2016 12:35

I'm lost?!? You say don't get me started on his wife & then say, I do like his wife. This all seems a bit erratic. I think they did this for an easy life & not to cause any further major international incidents in the family. I bet they agonised over this. Can see why you'd be upset but, furious??? You've made it all a bit me, me, me

TheCrumpettyTree · 19/05/2016 12:36

So your sister said something against his now wife and thinks you and your family took her side? Of course he should stand up for his wife.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:36

Dozer makes a good point there.. is there a chance he's also feeling mightily ganged up on with all this collective "we" stuff?

PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 12:36

If any of my friends or family insulted my DH I wouldn't want to bother with them again. He picked his wife and she picked him. You are related by no choice, so don't expect him to forgive easily. When you told her she was wrong to be a dick, did you do it in front of him or was this later when you realised he felt you had let him down?

LucilleBluth · 19/05/2016 12:36

I need to know what the sister said before I can judge. How bad can it be?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:36

I'm not really involved with what my parents say or do,just that if they upset him,he will distance himself even more,i am close to our mum,it would be hard to arrange to see my brother without mum wanting to come,so I don't want more arguments in the family

OP posts:
TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:37

TheNaze73 She also said "i don't really know her". So that's all bases covered, right?

FlyingElbows · 19/05/2016 12:39

Op do you really no understand why he did it? My husband's family behaved in a very similar way as you and yours. When we added my own fractured family dynamic the only choice open to us was to do it on our own. I wasn't hosting a wedding at huge expense so his family could rip me to bits! I should imagine your brother and sil thought the same. They're not obligated to provide a party for other people's amusement. It's done now, get on with your life.

SomeDyke · 19/05/2016 12:39

Just to add a slightly different perspective. When we had our civil partnership, we invited a small group of family and friends. And it mattered quite a bit, because we discovered several people who we thought were good friends, who refused to come because they did not approve. Also, family members who didn't come. Which I think were things we needed to know, those who considered us part of the wider family, and those who did not.
When we converted to a marriage, we just did it with the two of us -- we already knew, in effect, those who considered us family or not. And in effect we got the both of best worlds, an expensive do and a romantic just the two of us day!

I think the importance of the public acknowledgment of new familial relationships is so much clearer for gay and lesbian couples because we didn't have it for so long -- and in my case, I never thought we would have it in my lifetime!