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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
NotQuiteJustYet · 18/05/2016 23:28

It's very simple to change your name legally - should you want your accounts to reflect this name change though, that's a different matter. Here is a list of some of the companies I have supplied with my name change docs since I changed mine (99% wanting originals, of which there is only one copy so this needs to be sent recorded delivery, processed by the company and returned, time and time again - sometimes taking weeks, depending on how good a company is at admin):

  • HMPO
  • DVLA
  • My employer's central HR office
  • HRMC
  • My university
  • Student Finance
  • Local council (council tax)
  • Halifax
  • NatWest
  • Yorkshire Bank
  • Scottish Widows
  • Npower
  • British Gas
  • Northumbrian Water
  • Axa

Honestly, it's not as quick and simple as some people seem to think it is.

NotQuiteJustYet · 18/05/2016 23:31

*HMRC even

shazzarooney999 · 18/05/2016 23:31

I think yabu.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:34

If anyone of you married again after your divorce, would you still keep your surname as your first husbands?

If you would change it when married, why? Would you see it as cutting off from your children?

And do any of your new partners mind that you still have your Ex husbands name?

OP posts:
revealall · 18/05/2016 23:36

Alisvolatpropiis - Exactly. You are sharing his name because you are married. If you divorce you will be single. Why would you use a married name?

I do understand that people like their married names but that is a bit like keeping the best furniture in the separation or something. I don't see it makes the op unreasonable.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:37

This is probably also irrational, but I almost feel like it is like not taking off your wedding ring. A name is very symbolic, it is because you married someone. Now you are no longer married, why keep it?

OP posts:
Scoopmuckdizzy · 18/05/2016 23:42

DH's ex changed her name back to her maiden name and double-barrelled the DCs names before she'd even told him she was leaving him...

I've taken his name now we're married but nearly a year on and I still can't get used to it and haven't changed it on everything. It is a faff and I sometimes feel like going back to my maiden name despite the fact our DC have his surname.

I can understand how you feel but YABU regarding the name.

Oswin · 18/05/2016 23:42

Because it's a name that's she has lived with for years. It's HER name. Not your dhs. HERS. She may not even think of him being connected to her name just her children.

Oswin · 18/05/2016 23:43

When you take someone's name upon marriage you are not borrowing it! It becomes your name!

revealall · 18/05/2016 23:44

Agreed Orange.

I have a sneaking suspicion that some on here think being married is a badge of honour or something.

I had one friend who divorced her husband, moaned about him incessantly and then got cross because the school used Ms instead of Mrs.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 23:47

You are sharing his name because you are married. If you divorce you will be single. Why would you use a married name?

It was a conscious choice to change my name. I am not sharing it with anybody. It is my name now.

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 23:47

I still have exH's name and we didn't have kids. He wouldn't even say hi to me in the street, hates my guts and so do his family.

You wanna know the god's honest reason why I haven't changed it?.... Because my maiden name is shit Grin

My married name is easier to spell and pronounce. Even if it wasn't for the kids it could be for many reasons, sorry I think YABU. When my ex gets married again he/she will probably be annoyed that I've kept the name, but it's kinda tough shit. I'm not bothered about sharing it with her (and I have zero feelings at all for him it's just a nicer name). I am a "Ms" now though Wink

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 23:48

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Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:48

His ExW didn't like me being called MrsX that's for sure! (Jokingly as I said in a post here, by DPs friend). I was a bit taken aback at the time by her reaction - and needing to tell me!

OP posts:
revealall · 18/05/2016 23:49

Oswin- but only because you chose to. You could keep your maiden name. But many to do the name change because they are joining in marriage. And so when the marriage is no more there is no need technically to have the married name.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:49

Alisvolat Thanks, always nice to know total strangers can slag you off. Sad

OP posts:
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 23:50

Also if I re-marry I will take DP's surname (because it is also, not shit). My kids have his name already. And he isn't bothered even a little bit that I use my married name because he's never known me by any other name.

My mum still uses Mrs and my dad's name, and they've been divorced for over 20 years Blush

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 23:51

Exactly what, reveal? I'm not agreeing with you.

My surname is mine. If he died tomorrow would I have less right to it?

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 23:52

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MyKingdomForBrie · 18/05/2016 23:56

I really like the suggestion of changing to my name if we marry! But then he wouldn't have the same as his kids...

Can you actually hear yourself?! You think she should give up her name and be different from her kids so you can be little wifey, but it's unthinkable for him to have a different name from the kids.

Oh but then of course it shouldn't matter to her because one of them is married already and the other will be shortly.

You are drowning in contradictions, you don't have a leg to stand on, you're just trying to erase her and his history. Not going to happen. He loved her, he married her, he had babies with her. She could be called Mrs Bananahammock and that would still be true.

You're number 2, make your peace with it.

Just5minswithDacre · 18/05/2016 23:57

Under his protection!!??

OP what century is this?

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 23:58

A badge of honour? Wedding rings? What is all this shit? It's a name get over it. If it's your name for so long it would feel strange changing it 'back'. I just see it as once it's changed that is your name. Maybe if you were only married 5 minutes that would be different. Ex wives are allowed to keep their married name it doesn't make them mad. And on the topic of the ring I would probably carry on wearing mine but on the other hand as it is a nice ring. Not because I would be holding on to anything. We're forgetting that not every break up is tainted with bitterness. Some people break up quite amicably.

BMW6 · 18/05/2016 23:58

YABVVU OP - and somewhat irrational. If the name taken on marriage is so irrelevant to the first wife - why is it so very relevant to the second wife?

Seriously - get over it. Why not keep your own name? Or if you must be Mrs Smith (his surname) - tell us please how many other Mrs Smiths there are in the world?
I doubt his surname is unique......................

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:59

Thanks walking - I am human!

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 00:00

To me when divorced women take 'ms' it sounds really old spinster.