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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/05/2016 22:57

However, I do hope it pisses off his current partner. That would be a bonus.

Nice and mature. Well done.

VelvetSpoon · 18/05/2016 22:57

Majorly, I don't think posts telling the OP she is insecure, her relationship has problems, that it won't last, and so on are helpful.

I (as well as a number of other posters) actually don't think she's BU.

If you think your spouse is an arsehole, and decide to divorce them, why on earth keep their name? Makes no sense. As for the idea it's 'for the children' that's rubbish, children have no interest in these things!

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:00

Isn't your name quite a core part of your identity though?

Your surname is your 'family' name. It shows where you belong. Why would you want to keep it, if as the ExW this was a sign that you were married, when your weren't? Particularly if it isn't really about children anymore, or if there wasn't any document 'faff' to deal with?

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 23:00

I never said her relationship won't last and I never said do it for the children. There are a myriad of reasons why you wouldn't change your name back. They don't hold copyright over the name... It's a name. If it's been your name long enough then it doesn't matter where it's from, it's the name everybody knows you by and it's an absolute ball ache to change it. We don't know that ex wife might want to change it she might have just not got around to it... Doesn't make her a psycho or means she's holding onto the past. You're reading too much into it. ITS A NAME!!!

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:02

The posts about feeling happy if it pisses off a new partner - that is probably exactly what his ExW feels. Why would you want to upset a new partner if they hadn't done anything to you?

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 23:02

Orange what if you genuinely like your married name and your maiden name is ugly? I would never go back to my maiden name (not that I'm planning to get divorced) purely because my married name is nicer and easier to spell!

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 23:04

Orange those people might have had horrible things done to them by the new partner. My mum was sent pictures of my dad holding his new girlfriends son and kept getting calls on our home phone and we had to change the number. It's not all bitterness on the wx wife's side. New wives can be bitches too.

eightoutoften · 18/05/2016 23:05

I still have XH name as it matches my DC's. I still keep in contact with all of his family for as far as I'm concerned they will always be part of DC's family. I do sign the cards as "Eight and DC" though. XH moved a few hundred miles away after our divorce so me and DC see them more often than him. I get on very well with his present wife and as far as I know she doesn't have a problem with us having the same surname.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:05

Fair enough 'majorly' - I can see if you just liked the sound of it.

OP posts:
revealall · 18/05/2016 23:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I think it's very odd any woman wouldn't revert to her maiden name. Aside from the fact it may be a massive pain to change everything. But then divorce takes ages so it's just being lazy.

The name isn't something you bought together or worked for. It was his name. You don't want to be with him.

Not sure what children have to do with it either. Some have mothers surname, some have double barrelled with both names, some have different surname to mother ( my unmarried friends). None of it makes a difference,

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 23:08

But there is a faff changing ones name on documents.

Assuming you've not gone through that rigmorale?

Purely preferring the name is reasons enough to keep it.

You've already said that your boyfriends and his ex wife have children together so surely it is irrelevant why women who don't have children with their ex husbands keep their, yes their surname. Surnames aren't on lease after all.

VelvetSpoon · 18/05/2016 23:11

Majorly, those comments were made upthread by several posters.

Comments which I do think are patronising and sneery.

Anyone can disagree with the OP, many have, but I don't see any need to present a weird version of the truth, where her relationship must be bad for her to be upset by this, to somehow bolster the theory that she's BU.

I know several people who have a poor relationship with their parents, and are essentially NC. And have changed their names, because they wanted to disassociate themselves from their family, and don't want the name to be a reminder. I don't get why the same wouldn't be the case when a woman ends an unhappy marriage.

It's actually very simple to change your name, and legally you can call yourself anything you like (so long as there are no swear words involved). So you don't have to revert to maiden name.

FreshHorizons · 18/05/2016 23:11

Most divorced women that I know keep their name- they don't change back. They may have divorced the man but why would they stop the relationship with with his family if they have always got on?
If my DS got divorced I can't imagine cutting off my DIL- I love her as part of the family. I could welcome a new wife on her own merits but it doesn't mean that I cut off the old one.

Crabbitauldbisom2 · 18/05/2016 23:12

It does sound rather as if ExW is trying to hold on to some concept of family with OP's partner. Having said that I'm not sure what all the fuss is about names and changing them. As a Scot, I have always considered my maiden name to be my own real name. I did not want to use ExH's name when I married but gave in to pressure. As soon as we separated I changed back despite having DCs. No deed poll here you just have to decide to use your own name. When I remarried, for lots of reasons, I chose not to use DH's name. His ExW has also reverted to her maiden name but as far as I'm concerned she could call herself whatever the blazes she liked. My Ddil, though not Scottish and still married, also uses her maiden name and not my Ds's but her DCs seem perfectly happy.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 23:14

I think it's very odd any woman wouldn't revert to her maiden name.

Why should they have to give up their name? My mother had hers for twenty years before my dad walked out and all of us children have the same surname. It's a personal choice where there shouldn't be a right or a wrong answer. The op doesn't need to read anything into the ex keeping the name. It doesn't mean she's holding a torch for him.

nuppet · 18/05/2016 23:14

I would try not to overthink it if I were you. My DM kept DF's surname when they split up so that she had the same name as me and my sis. She stayed friendly with her exMIL as she was our Nana and looked after me and my DSis.

revealall · 18/05/2016 23:15

I don't think she's being unreasonable.

I can't understand why everyone doesn't revert to their maiden name.It's your husbands name not something you did or buy together. When your single you can go back to your original name. If you want a souvenir keep your wedding photos.

Children have nothing to do with it. I know children with their mothers maiden name, children with double barrelled names from both surnames, and children who have fathers surname that is different to mothers.
And it doesn't make any difference to anything.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 23:17

i can't understand why everyone doesn't revert to their maiden name.It'sr husbands name not something you did or buy together. When your single you can go back to your original name. If you want a souvenir keep your wedding photos.

Keeping the surname isn't a bloody souvenir. All my professional qualifications are under my married name. I hated my birth surname. My married name is my name now. It doesn't belong to anyone else. I like it. I'd definitely keep it if dh and I split up.

SkyRabbit · 18/05/2016 23:18

I still have ex's surname, even though I think he's the most godawful cockwomble. I kept it because when we divorced, I thought it was important that the kids had as much stability as possible, and that included having the same name - it kept us as a family unit.
As they've got older, they're really not bothered about the name thing, and I annoyingly have different names for different things now, and have to remember which name to give. When I can be arsed, I'll change everything back to my maiden name.
And yes, I do send cards from the X family, because that's what we are. We all have the same name, and we are the same family. Our family didn't change because I got divorced. I don't think it's weird.

I can sort of see the OP's issue a lil bit, but I think some of it is insecurity on the part of the 'second'. I know cockwomble's wife hates me being Mrs X, the same as her, and I have to confess, a small part of me giggles that she hates it - she doesn't want to be reminded that he had another wife, and I'm a constant reminder. Yes, I'm a bitch.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 23:18

Nope, reveal, the name my husband and I share is as much mine as his. I like it more than the one I had before. Should we ever divorce, I won't be changing it.

Also your and you're mean two different things. HTH.

yummycake123 · 18/05/2016 23:19

YABU. If she wants to keep your DP's surname (her surname now), it's her choice. And even if she didn't keep it, you will still be wife number 2. Maybe the question is why does this bother you so much?

Tryingtosaveup · 18/05/2016 23:20

I got divorced and still have my married name. It is the same name as the children who are now grown up. I am still in contact with my ex... But only over things like GDCs....weddings, christenings birthdays and the like.
We both have new partners.
It has never occurred to me to change my name back to my maiden name. It is now my name. And it is just that a name. I don't think it occurred to my ex either.
YABU

revealall · 18/05/2016 23:24

Sorry - first post didn't 't post until I'd done the second.

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 23:25

But the point is velvet, the ex husband doesn't have ownership on that name. If you like it and feel like that is 'your name', then there's nothing odd about keeping it. I hated all my family but I never felt the need to change my name, I only did it once I got married. My maiden name is shit and sounds crap with my first name so I will never go back to it. My parents were divorced over 10 years ago and haven't spoken for over 8 as their children are grown up so there is no need too. My mum is still Mrs dadsname- does that make my mum lazy/bitter/psycho/weird anything else that pps have said? Of course it doesn't. She had the name a very long time, and not once did it occur to her to change it.

Kr1stina · 18/05/2016 23:26

Are there really two crabbit auld bisoms on Mumsnet ? < incredulous >

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