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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 17:26

Timeforanamechange please note the highlighted in following !. Some ews play all kinds of PA behaviour/mind games/sheer bloody mindedness and will go to great lengths to piss off their exh and his dw. It's part of what can make being a second wife/stepmum so unbelievably difficult I'm not saying DHsexw is doing this I'm just saying'who knows? My post was to make point that OP wouldn't like my DHs exw if she has issues with her own situation but that I choose not to be drawn into it /riled by it as the OP obviously is.

Darrelrivers · 19/05/2016 17:41

But if you marry you will be wife #2. If me and my DH ever divorced id keep his name. Our Dc was born before we were married. It's now so much easier that we all have same name (I've had friends stopped at airports because of different names when travelling without the father). Their lives are linked, they share children, she has spent years in three extended family unit. Relationships will have developed which separation might not have affected. The ex is trying to maintain relationships with her children's family. As the mother of his children she will and should remain part of his life. The name thing is very petty and it sounds like ur very insecure tbh.

Cutecat78 · 19/05/2016 17:48

I was joking about wanting to piss her off - I'm not that petty....,

comingintomyown · 19/05/2016 18:19

I saw a thread once before on this , absolutely extraordinary this idea that a man is almost lending one his name and it should be withdrawn in a divorce. Then again I regret losing my maiden name and wish I'd stuck by my guns instead of being hounded to do things "properly" and if I could be bothered I would get back my maiden name but through choice not because I'm not entitled to my married name because I'm divorced

Cutecat78 · 19/05/2016 18:22

comingintomyown

You can just change it - you don't have to do anything legal.

My solicitor told me that when I divorced, so I just wrote to the bank etc with my birth certificate.

QuimWilde · 19/05/2016 18:37

My exH changed his name to my maiden name (which I'd reverted to) after we were divorced. How's that for weird.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 18:38

I think that wins, Quim. Wow!

BonerSibary · 19/05/2016 19:01

That's so bizarre it's almost brilliant.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 19:08

Quim, change your surname to Quim

Or Fuckface

See what happens Grin

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/05/2016 19:12

Bloody hell Quim, that's really quite spectacular Shock

Blu · 19/05/2016 19:14

OP, change your name to the exW's name: first name, middle name and surname. Then do some truly scandalous things, get featured in the DM, The Sun, everything.

Then change it back.

QuimWilde · 19/05/2016 19:18

We were divorced 21 years ago - he remarried a few years later and his wife has maiden name too. I've since married again - I wonder if he ever finds out whether or not he'll change his name to my current one Grin

He always was a bit of an odd fish. Which is why I divorced him in the first place.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 19:19

Quim wtaf did he do that for?! Shock

QuimWilde · 19/05/2016 19:19

His wife has my maiden name too Grin

QuimWilde · 19/05/2016 19:21

Who knows, Bit. I haven't seen him for 20 years, I was told about it by a mutual friend. Much later with the dawn of FB and so on I was able to confirm it myself. It's a really unusual name, too.

Maybe he just lurves me and misses me or he's just a nutter

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 19:24

So his second wife has taken your maiden name as her married name!? That is really bloody odd!

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/05/2016 19:25

Oh I kind of like that, Blu. Reverse spooking.

I wouldn't do this to mine's first wife though as she is actually rather nice and has made me feel very welcome as part of her children's lives. Not in a weird way - her children like me, her ex is happy, we're both parents trying to share parenting with our exes so we've something in common beyond both having been in a relationship with a particular man. It's easy, really. Didn't happen over night, but it was swift.

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 19/05/2016 19:28

Hey here's an idea - if you do get married to DP then get HIM to take YOUR name! Problem solved! Let her be Mrs DP'sname and you and him can be Mr and Mrs Orangecookie.

I will never understand the need for women to change their name on getting married any way. I am married, I have children, we don't have the same name, it's never presented any problems.

Rise above it all.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/05/2016 19:29

Jaysus Quim [several hundred Shock faces]

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 19:31

Quim Grin ...and some people think it odd my DHs exw has remarried but still calls herself Mrs MyDHsSurname.

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 19/05/2016 19:39

WOW Quim - utterly utterly bizarre! Does his new wife know that he changed his name?

user1463231665 · 19/05/2016 20:02

I'm a feminist like mst men and women in the UK. Our children and I share my ex husband's surname. I was married for 20 years and I am pretty well known in my public sphere, wrote lots of books in that name, have a very vaulable business which uses the name. It would be ludicrous to change my name now and mean I destroyed a big bit of the business and had a different name from all the children. I have no problem with there being a new wife with the same name.

It is best if people treat each other with tolerance and consideration. It was a bit much when my children heard the new wife however asking how her husband had such a nicer house than her friends.... in fact it's because he fleeced me dry on the huge divorce settlement he got. I would have hoped she would have realised that but I wish them no ill will. I hope they are very happy and I wake up every day delighted I am no longer married to him. Every day is Christmas in that respect.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/05/2016 20:16

YANBU for it to bother you, but she isn't being unreasonable either. It's just one of those annoying things that comes with not basically marrying a childhood sweetheart. Any relationship after a certain age tends to come with baggage. I think if she doesn't cause trouble and you feel like there is a future in the relationship then you'll just have to suck it up. I'm not surprised she hasn't changed her name, as its shared with her children. I haven't taken my husband's name, because I am too lazy to go through the rigmarole - so if I had changed it, I would not want to go through changing it back after a divorce.

Katedotness1963 · 19/05/2016 20:20

I've had my married name for more of my life than I had my maiden name. If we split up I wouldn't change it back, it's my kids name too.

CauliflowerBalti · 19/05/2016 20:21

Oh, and my ex-husband still helps me with things. He helped me buy a car recently – spent ages looking online for me, came with me to look at a couple… I really valued his help.

He rings me from work if he needs help with a presentation. I’ve helped him prepare for job interviews.

His new wife doesn’t give a crap.

My fiancé doesn’t give a crap.

I visit my ex-husband’s parents every time I go back to the town we lived in when were married. We email and call each other still, send gifts on birthdays. I get invited to family events – the ones my ex-husband can’t attend, admittedly. But they still see me as part of the family, because I am. My son is their grandson.

The past is where it is. I loved my ex-husband dearly; I now love him like an annoying older brother. Don’t worry yourself. She is his ex for a reason. It would be more worrying if she wanted nothing to do with him. Then you’d know your man was a total turd.