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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Cutecat78 · 19/05/2016 12:46

I keep my married surname for work and to specifically piss of my exes new wife Smile

VioletSunshine · 19/05/2016 12:51

Its militant and man hating on my opinion.

Majorly - it didn't seem to always be that way. But my god is it ever that way now. I'm with you on the not and proud business. I used to consider myself one, but not after it got co-opted.

"why wouldn't you be a feminist?"
why would someone be?
Why group themselves with all the middle-class problemers? There are more pressing issues that modern feminists are undermining (like funding for women's services and charities) by making a stink about a paltry 5% tax on disposable convenience items, or men sitting with their legs a bit too far apart...

ghostyslovesheep · 19/05/2016 13:06

is Majorly on glue?

crayfish · 19/05/2016 13:08

I never said I got married for legal protection, but I was the one who said I didn't change my name because, you know, feminism.

I got married because I love my husband and wanted to be married to him. It wasn't ideal from a 'legal protection' PoV in our case as I own our home and car and earn more, but I wanted to be married. Feminists are also allowed to want that, and they are also allowed to change their names. I didn't because I think it's important not too. Feminism is about choice but not all choices are equally feminist, you must decide what's right and important to you.

Sorry to derail!

Mouseinahole · 19/05/2016 13:09

I wish I hadn't changed my name when I remarried. I have the same surname as my stepdc but not as my own dc. Now that feels wrong.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 13:18

Wow, this thread has gone berserk! Not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:
crayfish · 19/05/2016 13:19

I hadn't read the rest of the thread when I posted there, Majorly I think you sound bonkers! What woman wouldn't want to be a feminist??? Your studies must have been incredibly 'rudimentary' to want to voluntarily opt out of equality...

Back to the OP, I think you're quite lucky in that relations with the ex wife are amicable, it could be a lot worse. I think you might just have to let the name thing go as it isn't going to change.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 13:20

It's interesting that so many people didn't think it was a big deal to change their names when they married, but now do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 13:24

I did always say that I felt weird about it, but never that I was going to ask her to change it! That would be bonkers.

I do accept his ongoing relationship with his children. In fact I quite like his daughter half living with us, she's very nice. But his marriage IS history, a part of him, but a past part.

I asked him if he'd mind my Ex fixing our shelves, he'd said he'd throw him out of the house! (All favors in the last year have been non child related).

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 13:27

If you have kept your ex married name complete with 'Mrs' and are now married to second husband and are not playing mind games then fair enough.

I'm still struggling to understand what "mind games" it can be playing tbh - are you suggesting that I should take into account whether my exH, or his DW, are bothered by it or not?
I struggle to imagine keeping my name just because it pisses off exH and his DW - that suggests a lot of unresolved issues.

CauliflowerBalti · 19/05/2016 13:29

YABU. I have my ex-husband's name, because we have a child together. I am getting married soon. I am not changing my name - I am keeping my ex-husband's name.

Because I am still wildly in love with him and would take him back in a heartbeat, because I see him as more 'mine' than his new wife's, as a way of subtly asserting my ranking as First Wife?

No. Because we have a child together.

Get over yourself.

paxillin · 19/05/2016 13:30

I haven't changed my name on marriage. If we weren't a couple anymore I'd still sign cards as DHname-Paxillin-family, because the kids would still be there, so the family would exist, even if we weren't a couple.

zeezeek · 19/05/2016 13:31

Majorly - I too got married in Vegas when I was around 22. I revelled in the tackiness of it - but the wedding itself was just a day, it was marriage to each other that was important for us.

However, even then I was aware of the legalities around marriage.

I do think that there was something wrong with your A-level studies if it left you with the assumption that feminism is all about marrying for money and being a man hater. I am a feminist. I certainly didn't marry for money as my trust fund meant that I was independently wealthy, whilst my DH had a lot of financial commitments and 4 DC with his exW and exP - so I guess you could accuse HIM of marrying ME for money. Especially now he's retired and a SAHD to our children.....

Horrible man-hating feminist that I am.

zeezeek · 19/05/2016 13:32

Oh actually I'm even worse than that...I'm a step mother!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/05/2016 13:35

But why should she have to have a different surname from her dc? I wouldn't want to. Yabu.

OnYerBikePan · 19/05/2016 13:54

To turn the tables on the "feminist, man-haters marrying for money", then can any rich feminists who don't mind someone marrying them purely for money please get in touch. I'll erect the virtual crush barriers. TIA

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 14:17

Her two daughters - one has changed her surname, one just about to. I guess the fact that she'd mind if I became Mrs X means the name does mean something exclusive to her.

Quite shocked by the poster who's boyfriends Ex changed back from her maiden name to Ex husbands name when the poster moved in!

OP posts:
paxillin · 19/05/2016 14:22

But the daughters are still the X family for card purposes. We went to a large family do recently, my parents, sister, all the kids... Somebody called out "where is the Paxillin family?" We all yelled here, it included my sister who has (unlike me) changed her name upon marriage.

Onlyicanclean10 · 19/05/2016 14:32

Wouldn't give a crap about the names but what's with the shelf gate?

You don't like him fixing her shelves and presumably helping fix the house for his children while he would throw out your ex for fixing your shelves.

Blimey How childish.

Cutecat78 · 19/05/2016 14:43

OP my ex used to come and do stuff for me and the kids.

Then he met his new wife who couldn't cope with it and she meddled with everything to the point we can no longer be in the same room together. I hate him and her and the pain they have caused our DC, ditching them out for her and bringing them up in a war zone.

It's unlikely you will be the one who gets hurt.

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/05/2016 15:35

How do I know if I'm a feminist? I took my DH's name on marriage. I fight vehemently for the right of women to be considered equal. Actually this last bit has happened more since becoming a mum and wishing to continue with my career. Does that make me a feminist? It's not something I necessarily identify with. Genuine question, not meaning to be glib.

As a step mum (and a good one I think) I'm genuinely offended that someone would look at me and dismiss me as belonging to a hated step mums club. Dsd thinks I'm rather a decent one!

MoonfaceAndSilky · 19/05/2016 16:30

But why should she have to have a different surname from her dc? I wouldn't want to. Yabu.

But her children are grown-up. One has already changed her name and the other soon will be. So that argument doesn't hold up.

I keep my married surname for work and to specifically piss of my exes new wife

Nice. Maybe this could be happening in the OP's case?

Ludways · 19/05/2016 16:32

I'm shocked so many people think a Roman should change her name on divorce, it's her name, she can do what the hell she likes. If I kept my married name to be like my dds, had that name for 20+ years, I damned well wouldn't change it, it would be MY name, it belongs to no one but ME!

Ludways · 19/05/2016 16:32

Woman, not Roman, lol

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 16:35

Romans have rights too you know Ludways Wink