Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

[Orangecookie]

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

I did a law degree Majorly, it would be quite shocking if I'd manager to graduate without understanding the legal implications of marriage, wouldn't it?

You judge me for my motivation to marry but that's okay, I'm glad you were happy with your tacky shot gun wedding.

How the hell am I being patronising? I had never been married and was working at the time. I did not know financially what marriage changed. I'm being honest. You're being weird.

It was deliciously tacky! And I loved every minute.

I don't judge you, it just is an alien concept to me. But that's ok.

Why mention what degree you did... Now THATS tacky!

How the hell am I being patronising?

Telling grown women to "behave" is patronising. How about engaging with the actual issues rather than resorting to what effectively is "calm down, dear?"

And I didn't do this amazing law degree, so unlike you I Didn't know the implications of marriage. And it didn't matter to me either.

Because it was in order.

I just congratulated you for it. Not insulted. I just said it wasn't my cup of tea.

Not insulted? Really?

"Maybe I'm just not withered and bitter enough to feel like that about marriage yet."

And I'm not motivated by money. I would be better off, financially, not married to my DH. But protecting my DD was more important.

I don't judge you, it just is an alien concept to me. But that's ok.

You are judging people who marry for legal protection reasons rather than purely out of lurve.... Read your own posts.

Not knowing what marriage entails is not patronising. I was young! And it didn't matter to me. You can't flame me for that surely?!

Oh and just to say, changing your name is a pain in the proverbial as well. Everyone insists on seeing original or certified copies of things and it costs money to do a deed poll. So it's not something to be done for the sake of it unless you like bureaucracy.

The best one for me, was when I got married and I had a mobile phone contract in my maiden name. I sent my marriage certificate to the provider and they said they wouldn't change my name on the account because the direct debit was in that name! So I had to change the name on my bank account too. I would have done eventually anyway but was very irritating to have some jobsworth at a mobile phone company telling me when I had to do it. I can't really see why an account name and bank account name had to match up anyway when they had the marriage certificate in front of them. This was late 90s so before a lot of the money laundering regulations had come in.

Not knowing what marriage entails is not patronising.

Read my post again. I said you were being patronising when you were telling grown women to "behave".

Yes I did say that. It doesn't mean I'm JUDGING. you lot are judging me for marrying for lurve as you call it

Right I get you

And for the record, the bitterness is in the second wives or girlfriends who have jealousy about first wife keeping the name.

And I have admitted that it is new to me to know what marriage changes as far as money and children. I've never considered it. Maybe I should have. It just seems weird to me marrying for those reasons. But like i say I wasn't even aware of this.

I mentioned it because we are talking about marriage, a legal contract

Yeah I get that it's legal.

Just sounded like a stealth boast

Even when I've admitted I am dim with regards to marriage law.

Majorly

I haven't read the whole the bun fight, but OP has said that the ExW took her aside and told her she didn't appreciate her being called 'Mrs x'. That also suggests a level of bitterness, does it not?

you lot are judging me for marrying for lurve as you call it

Not once have I judged you. What I have said is that love and marriage are not linked. You can love someone and not marry them. You can marry someone and not love them.

In your case, you love your DH, and have married him - without, it appears, a real understanding of the legal contract that you entered into when you married him.

That's fine for you. But your initial comment "how romantic" was a judgement on all of us who didn't marry for the same reasons as you did.

I think that's your own issues at play there. It's not a stealth boast, I understood the implications for that specific reason. May well not have if I hadn't done said degree.

YABU. My mum kept her name. She had her surname much longer than she ever had her maiden name. So that's who she is PLUS the names of her children.

No biggy.