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AIBU?

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Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:23

Ruth to clarify they were said to two different people

squizita · 19/05/2016 10:24

You can't help how you feel but I'm afraid she is part of his family unit isn't she? She's the mother of his children!

This.
Also be careful what you wish for ... exes who are acrimonious and bitter can be so damaging to kids, new partners etc.
One who doesn't love him anymore but doesn't yell abuse down the phone or distress his kids by making things hard.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:24

One was someone said that it's probably a femism thing that they didn't change their name so I said the first thing. Then I said my personal reasons for marriage were because I love dh not for financial reasons. You totally Rigged my quotes there!

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 10:29

im not going to apologise for doing what was tradition in my husbands family and for what made me happy.

I don't expect you to apologise for your own choices - but an apology for your PA judgement of others ("how romantic Hmm") wouldn't go amiss.

And, the legal protection that marriage gives is significantly more than just money - it provides assurances around the continued involvement of a stepparent in a child's life in the event of a parental death, for instance. Not everyone's motivations are financial.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:32

Well you're going to be waiting a long time for that one. You haven't exactly been very polite to me either. Your judgy pants are hoiked up VEEY high today.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:32

*VERY

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:33

In my opinion getting married for those reasons isn't a very good basis for a good marriage. Just sounds like marriage of convenience. Boring and clinical. Not my cup of tea.

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 10:35

Ensuring that if I were to die, my exH doesn't block contact between my DD and her stepdad isn't a good reason? Course not.

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 10:36

You totally Rigged my quotes there!

Hardly. You made both comments, I didn't change a word of them.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:38

if you were dead I think it should be up to your child's dad to decide that. Maybe I'm just not withered and bitter enough to feel like that about marriage yet.

JocastaFarquhar · 19/05/2016 10:38

I would keep my married name to be the same as DD and its been so long it feel odd to revert to my maiden name. Also my maiden name is a bit odd! Perhaps she hates her maiden name!

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2016 10:39

Just sounds like marriage of convenience. Boring and clinical. Not my cup of tea.

Presumably a couple having this conversation are in a long term relationship where they love each other to even be talking about the financial and security benefits of marriage. No everyone has to want the big white dress and huge ceremony. For some people it can be a logical and sensible step. I'd worry more about couples getting swept up in th romance of it all and not taking time to think about whether they're long term compatible.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2016 10:39

Maybe I'm just not withered and bitter enough to feel like that about marriage yet.

Nice.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:40

The bitterness on this thread is palpable, purple. I speak as I find I'm afraid.

And Ruth you took them out of context.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:41

I didn't have the white dress no one was at my wedding. Doesn't mean I did it because I want to make sure I get half of dh money when he's dead.

LieselMeminger · 19/05/2016 10:41

This might get confusing.....

My mum kept her name from her marriage to my Dad for over 10 years. She married him at 19 and went straight from living with her parents to moving in with my Dad, she didn't have a single thing in her own name on marriage so her bank accounts etc were all set up in her married name, when they split it was very important to her that she kept the same name as my Brother and I, because back then her having the same name made people kind of assume she was with the Dad and didn't judge her as an unmarried mother. She went on to have another child with a future partner at which point she changed her name to his by deed pole, the stigma around unmarried wasn't too bad by then ( there's a big age gap between me and my sis) but she was bothered enough to change it to match. She felt as my bro and I were adults we'd understand. Was not nice listening the dad's wives slagging mum off and the name played a big part.

On the other side, my Dad's second wife had her dds name changed to my Dad's, they divorced when I was about 8, and I never saw them again until I started comprehensive school where she worked as a dinner lady and her dd was in my class, my surname is unique (I've never met or know of anyone other than family with it) and I have to admit, at 11 it really bothered and upset me that some people assumed that they were my family. She was an abusive (emotional and physical) stepmum though so I dunno if that played a part in me being upset at people thinking she was my Mum. Her dd would tell everyone I was her sister and I hated it.

I kept my name when I married DH, it's the only good thing I got from my Dad, it's unique and quirky and I love it, I know this sounds pathetic but it's the only interesting thing about me, it gets commented on whenever someone new hears it. My Dad was a twat and in some weird way, my name is a reminder to me that I've been through bad things and I'm OK. I didn't marry until after he died and my third stepmum was livid I didn't change my name to dhs, really furious. She wanted to be the only mrs dadsname.. Oddly she was only ever bothered by my Mum and I having the name, the second wife never got complained about so it seems like it was all jealousy that my Dad had children with someone else, and the name represents that.

I know a name shouldn't be important, but mine is very important to me, which is why I didn't change it on marriage. It's part of my history good and bad. I'm keeping it. I wish I'd double barrelled it to include my Mums maiden name though. Third stepmum almost fainted when I hinted I was thinking of it, apparently it would sound like my Mum and Dad were together!

Ill admit my family are fucked up though!

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 10:42

And Ruth you took them out of context.

I juxtaposed them to highlight the dissonance.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 10:43

Majorly

No, I'm not at all romantic. I'm pragmatic and understand the legal implications of not being married.

I know my husband no more now he is my husband than I did when he was my partner. Our relationship didn't fundamentally change.

Did have a lovely wedding day though.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:43

Right... But you know that means sod all right?

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 10:44

The bitterness on this thread is palpable, purple

Where?

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:44

Calling people stupid or saying it isn't usable or it is weird to keep your married name is out of order though. It's personal preference, and no amount of feminist man bashing on this thread will make the majority change their minds.

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 10:44

if you were dead I think it should be up to your child's dad to decide that. Maybe I'm just not withered and bitter enough to feel like that about marriage yet.

Wow, just wow. As my DD would say, "that escalated quickly".

I'm bowing out before I trample all over any more of your baggage, majorly.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:44

Read it ruthy, fs.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:45

Haha! I like your style. Yes, I don't agree with step parents. Work of the devil. Flame me! Grin (I had one on one side)

MargaretCavendish · 19/05/2016 10:46

This is such an absolute classic of the Mumsnet 'OP: IABU?; Everyone else: YABU; OP: IANBU' genre.

Oh and Majorly with your 'If it's about feminism why get married in the first place?' - I don't whether to be angry, sad or confused by this, but I think I'll choose just to laugh at you.