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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
crayfish · 19/05/2016 09:13

I take your point, but I'm not really sure how that's relevant to the OP? I guess my point is that it is just another 'Mrs Smith' so what does it matter? I understand that from a cultural and historical perspective it does, but that doesn't seem like something the OP is concerned about.

Completely agree re. the outdated practice of women changing their names. Loads of my friends did it and complained about the administrative faff or 'losing their identity' or not liking the new name - I just want to scream 'then don't do it!!'. They all did it anyway...

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:13

Personally? Dh name scans better with my first name than my maiden name. And no one could spell my maiden name. If I loved my maiden name and hated dh name I would have kept mine. Simples

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:14

I don't understand why changing your name is losing your identity. Its nice. If you like the name then have it. If you don't then don't!

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/05/2016 09:15

LittleLion I wonder if it's more the other way round, ie exw still having feelings for op's dp. That wouldn't make me feel insecure per se, but it would feel awkward.

It's perfectly natural to feel a fondness, love even for an ex, especially when you've so much shared history, but there are boundaries which ought to be respected. I wonder if exw thinks she has a claim on him beyond that as shared parents.

My dp's ex wouldn't dream of getting him to do jobs around the house, not now the children have grown (and don't live there anymore). I don't particularly like her, but she's a nice enough person and happy that her ex is happy with me. That makes it far easier to deal with her keeping her married name years later - in fact it's a non-issue eventually

QuiteQuietly · 19/05/2016 09:16

In a world full of bitterness and nutters, the first wife sounds sane and reasonable. She maintains civil contact with her ex-ILs and appears to have a working relationship with her ex-DH. I presume he puts up the shelves for his children rather than directly for her, and I would imagine it is nice for his children to see their parents cooperating rather than sniping and trying to get the better of each other. OP's DH has children with his ex. It is right that he maintains a relationship with his children and therefore with his ex wife as well. If they get married, OP WILL be the second wife and first wife is not going to disappear without a trace. If it really is an issue, OP needs to find someone else - unencumbered and probably a virgin as well.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:17

^^ YES!!!!

crayfish · 19/05/2016 09:17

So, to you Majorly, I suppose it is 'just a name'? Or a series of sounds/words together? I can understand choosing the nicest name on that basis I suppose. Me keeping my name (DH's is 'prettier') was about feminism really, so maybe it isn't 'just a name' to me after all.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:19

Honestly cray not going to say the names as my maiden name would definitely out me as it is almost unheard of in this country. But yes! Dh has a lovely name that rings well with my first name, and I had 22 years of painfully trying to spell out my maiden name/ having it pronounced wrong to my embarrassment. Marrying dh was a great excuse to nab his well known easy to spell surname!

VioletSunshine · 19/05/2016 09:20

I have a history too, which is funny as my DP sometimes says he'd rather not think about my previous boyfriends (jokingly!).

He better be genuinely joking. ExP hated the fact I had a history. Was never allowed to mention them. But I was always getting reminded of his history. The hypocrisy was unbearable at times.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:20

It's not the only reason why I married him... Promise!

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:21

If it's about feminism why get married in the first place?

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 09:30

Legal protection.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:31

Legal protection? How romantic Hmm

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 09:37

Legal protection? How romantic

A wedding is romantic - a marriage is a legal transaction.

DH and I never had a wedding; we got married because it was the only way to secure the legal protections we wanted for ourselves and our DCs.

Each to their own Hmm

Wdigin2this · 19/05/2016 09:38

I kept my ex's surname until I remarried, I didn't want to have a different name to my DC, so waited a very long time before remarrying. There's nothing you can do about it, so for your own sanity.....let it go!

PrancingMoose · 19/05/2016 09:38

Hi Orange,

I'm in a not too dissimilar position to you, and I'm afraid rather than saying YABU, I would say you are being unrealistic. You cannot help your feelings, but your DP's ex will always be a part of his life. They are parents to their children and she would have spent years forging her own relationship with his family which may never change regardless of whether they have divorced or not. They are their children's grandparents after all!

With regards to the name, it is her name, so that is that. I would never expect my DH's ex to change her name, even though we now share it, she's had it for over 20 years!

The one thing I can understand you being uncomfortable with is the fixing shelves etc thing. I had that too in the beginning, but I let it go as it was a very emotional time for everyone concerned (he left her for me) and I simply put myself in her shoes and then I appreciated I was BU. Sure enough over a short period of time, this sort of thing petered out and has stopped for some years now.

I think the best way to check yourself is imagine yourself in her position, take a deep breath and carry on. Smile

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:45

Timefor I didn't have a wedding either, ACTUALLY. We did it because we love Eachother. (And his parents are Catholic and I was pregnant Blush)

sleeponeday · 19/05/2016 09:46

Legal protection? How romantic

You know what isn't romantic? When women post on MN saying that their DP expects them to cook him a separate meal when he gets in from work, after she's fed, bathed and put to bed the kids. And then it comes out that there are 4 kids, 2 by a previous relationship, and she is expected to feed and clothe herself and the kids with child benefit plus the maintenance for the elder two, and pay all utilities, and she's only allowed a PAYG phone her DP keeps tabs on, and she's not allowed a car or to work. And then people say LTB, but she's terrified because she'd be homeless with 4 kids, and she has no claim on the house or his pension and they've been together 10 years and she is being financially abused and has no way out. She couldn't even scrape together the deposit for a new house. And if she'd been married, and in that situation (which also happens) then she would be entitled to half his pension, half any assets and very probably more given her greater housing need, and ongoing child support and probably a time of spousal, too, given her time out of the workplace raising young children for the benefit of the family. And then there are the situations as above where Mr Romance decides he's in love with someone else, so out his DP and kids can trot as the house is in his sole name, as are the savings, and his pension. But he'll pay his child support, of course. What more can anyone ask?

Romance is all very nice, but it doesn't put food on the table.

Of course, here it doesn't matter because the OP has her own assets and her DP sounds a very good father and fair ex, but it matters quite painfully often. Any woman who agrees to be a SAHP outside marriage, unless she has family money of her own behind her or a lottery win, is in a very vulnerable position indeed.

sleeponeday · 19/05/2016 09:49

Oops, sorry, wrong OP! Blush I was thinking of the one with the baby's name decision. Wrong name dilemma!

BonerSibary · 19/05/2016 09:51

Knowing DH couldn't unilaterally decide to revoke the legal protections I have without telling me is extremely romantic to me.

And on the feminism point, nobody has yet been able to explain to me why cohabiting and having children outside the legal protections of marriage, when I'm the one who took the earnings hit of multiple pregnancies and births and MLs I needed in order to recover, is feminist. By all means do it if that's what you want, I'd never tell anyone they should or shouldn't get married. And clearly if you're the one with the assets the equation is different: the majority of women aren't, but that still leaves lots who aren't. But for that majority of us who aren't the richer party and who do have children and live with a man for at least some of our lives, there's nothing intrinsically feminist about doing it without the limited legal protections our society provides.

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 10:00

If it's about feminism why get married in the first place?

We did it because we love Eachother

Confused

Do feminists not fall in love, then?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/05/2016 10:04

Haven't read the full thread but a friend of mine is wife no2. Her FIL has married twice and therefore she is one of 4 Mrs X's alive and kicking and attending the same extended family events.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 19/05/2016 10:11

The posts about feeling happy if it pisses off a new partner - that is probably exactly what his ExW feels. Why would you want to upset a new partner if they hadn't done anything to you?

This is what I don't understand. There seems to be an awful lot of bitterness around. My husband's first wife even told their child that I caused the marriage break-up - she lied, I first met him several months after they had divorced!!!!!!
I think, OP, that your DP's ExW sounds as if she wants to piss you off, and by the sounds of things she is - don't let her x

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 10:14

I didn't have a wedding either, ACTUALLY. We did it because we love Eachother. (And his parents are Catholic and I was pregnant)

So, if you're in love, you have to get married? And if you are married, you have to be in love?

majorly You've been listening to too many Frank Sinatra songs - love and marriage do not "go together like a horse and carriage" - it is quite possible to have one without the other.

Sounds to me like your reasons for marriage were less about love and more about social/religious conventions. I assume that you loved each other before you got married, given that you had conceived a child, and all?

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 10:22

im not going to apologise for doing what was tradition in my husbands family and for what made me happy. I'm a sahp parent... Tbf I get the marriage thing in that way. But I wasn't marrying him because I want his money. HE HASNT GOT ANY! Ruth I don't know what you're talking about I never said that... You obviously didn't read the whole convo. We got married in Vegas just the two of us because we both wanted to be married before baby arrived, but it was particularly important to dh and his family that it was BEFORE, due to their religion. I'm not religious at all. Neither of us have any money, just dh works and I don't... There's bugger all for me to get my mits on if we divorced.

Hmm
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