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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 08:00

Like PPs, I have retained my former married name despite remarrying.

My exH hates it - he has remarried and doesn't like the fact that his DW and I both have 'his' name.

My family are bewildered and usually address things to 'Mrs new husbands name' even though I've never been known as that.

their problem, not mine.

fakenamefornow · 19/05/2016 08:01

My dad has left three exwives in his wake, all going by 'Mrs Dadsname'

The solution is obvious, women just keep your own name, give your children your name. After all, if you split up with dad , most likely the kids will stay with mum.

fakenamefornow · 19/05/2016 08:03

To all the ex (and not) wife's adamantly saying that ex-husbands name is MY name, so does that mean you'll keep it if you remarry?

TheFallenMadonna · 19/05/2016 08:06

My mum kept her first married name (my dad's name) when she married again. She was 65. It had been her name for 40 odd years by then.

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 08:09

I expect that's a decision they will take at the time, fake.

On the whole, name changing happens on the life event of marriage (even if no change is made, there is usually at least a thought process at that time)

At other times, people pootle along with their own names.

WannaBe · 19/05/2016 08:20

"To all the ex (and not) wife's adamantly saying that ex-husbands name is MY name, so does that mean you'll keep it if you remarry?"
As stated above, yes I might well keep my name when I remarry, because it's DS' name as well. Obviously once he's older he may feel differently about me not having the same name as him, but while he's still living here I will. We did consider reverting to my maiden name, but A, DS wouldn't want to change his name, it's his name, and B, I'm not sure I want to go back to my maiden name anyway.

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/05/2016 08:20

I think op is insecure because her dp is still doing odd jobs for his ex. Tbh I might feel the same if it was me. The name issue is probably symptomatic of a bigger problem. Op, are you worried there are still feelings there, beyond the normal ones you might expect him to have for the mother of his dc? If not and you're sure there's nothing there, be glad it's amicable between them. It will make things much easier all round in the future and bodes well for his ongoing relationship with his children.

I am wife no. 2 (been together for 14 years now) so I do sort of get where you're coming from, particularly if your relationship is relatively new. As it is though dh's ex remarried and took his surname. There was talk at one point of her wanting to change the dc's name to her new surname which resulted in an altercation as dh said he'd never give his permission for that (which I think is required by law). Now I have a ds too I understand her feelings though as I wouldn't want my dc to have a different surname to me. If I divorced I might be tempted to keep it. I don't know. What I'm saying is that I think you need to find a way to get over this because she's unlikely to change her name and entitled to keep it. It does mean a lot when you have children. But I think you need to speak to your dp openly about the current dynamics of the situation.

Unicow · 19/05/2016 08:22

My strong feelings come from experience.

Divorce remarriage and surnames caused a tonne of grief for me as a kid that I've never forgotten. I felt really strongly about having my mums new name when she changed it. I got grief for months over it. It made me ill. The people involved have since apologised but it was awful. I can't stand the thought of anyone else going through that over something so stupid.

I'm now married and have an entirely different surname. I've had this for longer than either of my other names. I wouldn't go back for good reason even if I split from DH but I wouldn't want to explain myself. I am not my husband or his name. I am my own person and my current name is part of me. I wouldn't change it.

TimeforaNNChange · 19/05/2016 08:27

To all the ex (and not) wife's adamantly saying that ex-husbands name is MY name, so does that mean you'll keep it if you remarry?

Yup - I've done so. My DH is occasionally referred to as MrexHName, too Grin

FoggyBottom · 19/05/2016 08:28

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it

Yes.

YABU

Clandestino · 19/05/2016 08:29

Get over it. YABU. Don't sweat the small stuff, not worth it.

AlysaEdwards · 19/05/2016 08:34

YABU. And you will be the second wife Hmm
I changed my surname on marriage and that surname is my name now. I would keep it if DH and I ever divorced. You can't undo a marriage and history, even if you get divorced. Plus I'd hate my DC having a different surname.
Sorry OP. Just take comfort in the fact that if he does marry you all your insecurities will disappear....

momb · 19/05/2016 08:37

*If anyone of you married again after your divorce, would you still keep your surname as your first husbands?

If you would change it when married, why? Would you see it as cutting off from your children?

And do any of your new partners mind that you still have your Ex husbands name?*

That's exactly what I've done. When exH and I split although we were superficially cordial the DCs were very unsettled and we became the (surname)girls for a long time as we made a new life as the smaller unit. It's actually the only time my name was important to me. By the time I remarried I'd been (surname) for longer than I'd been my maiden name. It is my name, my family name, our name. So when I remarried I didn't change it. I asked DH and he said he didn't care. He doesn't care. We are married and are now a blended family where some members have one surname and some another, but we both have the same surname as our respective DCs.
Barely speak to exH and have no feelings for him at all. DH knows this.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 08:39

I have kept my married name even though we separated 9 years ago. Partly because I want the same name as my kids (who ever said "it can't be the kids FFS" can FFS off themselves) and partly because I am well known by that name professionally and have been for 20 years. So I'm keeping it. As far as I know, my exH's very lovely DP has no problem with it

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 08:41

And my lovely DP has never mentioned it. If it does bother him, he's never mentioned it and it's never crossed my mind to ask him

Ledkr · 19/05/2016 08:45

Sane here bitout even when our baby was called "baby X• in hospital he just chuckled..
Our relationship is about far more than a surname.

dolkapots · 19/05/2016 08:46

YANBU for feeling a bit annoyed that ex wife still has "his" name however YABVU to think she should change it. It is up to her what name she has/keeps and by having it does not negate any love/feelings that your partner has towards you.

My parents have been divorced for 30 years, both remarried but my DM still has my DF's name. She cannot stand him so no strange psychology there, it is simply for the fact that she cannot be bothered with the bureaucracy of it all. I never actually thought that DSM might think that that means she is wife #2 now Hmm

OP did you post about this before? There was the same outrage about name keeping and IIRC the ex was also fixing shelves.

BonerSibary · 19/05/2016 08:47

Tbh, I don't see why I should have to choose between my exH's name and my maiden name, which is essentially my father's name anyway.

If you're going down that road mushroomtoast, your XH's name isn't actually his either, unless he was genuinely the first person to have it which would be rather unusual. It's his dad's, or whichever forebear he got it from. So you're choosing between a name that's essentially your father's and one that's essentially someone else's father's. Call yourself whatever you want but let's be consistent.

Anyway, this thread is a mixture of ridiculous and hilarious, sometimes simultaneously. For the most part, makes me glad I didn't take DHs (dad's) name, but I have enjoyed the anecdotes. The bit about OPs DPs XW taking her aside and needasock's XH trying to get a judge to get her to change her name are magnificent. People are pathetic!

Peanutbutterrules · 19/05/2016 08:47

I kinda get how you feel OP. My DH's ex specifically signs things and introduces herself at events as Mrs ex DH rather than just her name (I'm always surprised her new DH doesn't object). I think it's odd but not my problem. I never use my married status in my introduction as think it's strange that women still announce their relationship with their name.

I didn't take my DH's name when we married, but our DD has his last name so she has the same surname as her half siblings. I felt a bit like you, that there was already a Mrs XDH and didn't want to double up. It bugs DD that she doesn't have 'my name' as well so we may double barrel it in the future if she still feels that way when she's a bit older.

After a while you just won't care. Make your decision based on you, not his ex. And yes...you are the second wife and the sooner you come to terms with that the better for everyone, esp you.

mrsfuzzy · 19/05/2016 08:48

be in my shoes then, i'm a 3rd wife we all had the same surname AND the same first initial at some point in our lives !

crayfish · 19/05/2016 08:51

It's just a name... My surname is the same as lots of other random people's but it doesn't mean we are a 'unit' or I'm 'under their protection' or we have some sort of shared 'identity', I don't even know the vast majority of them.

On the other side, I don't have the same surname as my DH or my DS and we are no less a family because of it. It's all just names...

My DH is husband #2 and there's no issue. I never make a secret of it, but neither do I introduce him to people as DH#2, I just use his name.

You are massively overthinking all this because you are insecure. It's that which needs addressing, rather than EXwifes name.

Mrsfancyfanjango · 19/05/2016 09:05

YABU
Somebody in my immediate family has the surname of her ex husband still, so she has the same name as her children.

fakenamefornow · 19/05/2016 09:06

It's just a name

I don't agree, I think last names are massively important. They tell a story of your history and heritage, well, male history and heritage, by name changing women have been erased. Do you ever wonder why black Americans are Caribbean people have English last names? It's because they took (or rather were given) their slave owners last name, loosing their African names. Still think it's just a name?

I wish this outdated practice of women changing their names would die out. Keep your own name, give your children both parents names.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 09:09

Fakename it is just a name. You could change your name to fanjo wantsalickin. It's just a bloody name.

fakenamefornow · 19/05/2016 09:11

Why bother changing it then?

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