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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
beetroot2 · 19/05/2016 01:46

who left who OP? its sounds like your partners ex was the one who was left by him. it was ok when she married him that he wanted her to take "his" surname, she has children by him and wants to keep it, kudos to her.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 19/05/2016 02:44

Maybe she will remarry, change her name again and solve most of your problems op. Maybe not.

Yabu.

( I'm not a name changer myself).

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 19/05/2016 02:56

Just wish she didn't sign them from 'X Family'

But they are X Family, always have been and this has nothing at all to do with you!

Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2016 02:57

YABU.

Your DP's ExWife presumably took his surname when they married. She now shares that name with the kids and I can see completely why she'd not change that.

You said "She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now." This is in the family home she shares with their children, I presume, so that seems fair.

Do you mean 'his in laws' or do you mean her former in laws, her children's grandparents, "...cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'." But she is the surname family. They created a family together, and because one or both of them chose to end the marriage it doesn't alter the fact that the family continues.

"Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it." Or maybe you should work out if this bothers you so much you don't want to be with him? Because being with him means accepting he was married before, he has an ex wife and he has kids and they all have his name, and he sometimes needs to help the family out.

And she is still in your DPs 'family unit' but the fact you feel 'more than me' suggests you have some insecurities about the relationship and I think those are the things you need to address.

Re 2We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!" You wil be his second wife, not wife no 2, wife number 2 suggests you are in an old movie about ancient China where men married about four times! You are not. And you do not need to take his name unless you wish to.f you feel insecure about your place in his affections, you need to address that, and certainly before you marry or have a family together.

Did he leave her for you or for any other woman? Could that be worrying you? Does he treat her well and with respect despite being divorced?
If he treats her well and she still has a respect for him this is a good thing and shows him a good light, f he did not have anything good to say about her or vice versa I'd say that would be cause for concern, potentially.

Address your concerns, but not about her, about him and about your place with him in the life you are creating together now, not the life he created in the past.

Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2016 02:57

YABU.

Your DP's ExWife presumably took his surname when they married. She now shares that name with the kids and I can see completely why she'd not change that.

You said "She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now." This is in the family home she shares with their children, I presume, so that seems fair.

Do you mean 'his in laws' or do you mean her former in laws, her children's grandparents, "...cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'." But she is the surname family. They created a family together, and because one or both of them chose to end the marriage it doesn't alter the fact that the family continues.

"Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it." Or maybe you should work out if this bothers you so much you don't want to be with him? Because being with him means accepting he was married before, he has an ex wife and he has kids and they all have his name, and he sometimes needs to help the family out.

And she is still in your DPs 'family unit' but the fact you feel 'more than me' suggests you have some insecurities about the relationship and I think those are the things you need to address.

Re 2We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!" You wil be his second wife, not wife no 2, wife number 2 suggests you are in an old movie about ancient China where men married about four times! You are not. And you do not need to take his name unless you wish to.f you feel insecure about your place in his affections, you need to address that, and certainly before you marry or have a family together.

Did he leave her for you or for any other woman? Could that be worrying you? Does he treat her well and with respect despite being divorced?
If he treats her well and she still has a respect for him this is a good thing and shows him a good light, f he did not have anything good to say about her or vice versa I'd say that would be cause for concern, potentially.

Address your concerns, but not about her, about him and about your place with him in the life you are creating together now, not the life he created in the past.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 19/05/2016 03:02

Your surname is your 'family' name. It shows where you belong. Why would you want to keep it, if as the ExW this was a sign that you were married, when your weren't?

Wow you really can't wait to be "owned" by this man! Perhaps he could pee all over you at the wedding too? ConfusedHmm. Bet he didn't do that for Wife number 1 so you could have that over her

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 19/05/2016 05:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 19/05/2016 05:17

'the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!'

Yes.
You would be wife number 2. Hmm
It sounds as if you shouldn't be in the market for pre-loved goods, you ought to buy new.

Rebecca2014 · 19/05/2016 05:40

I actually posted on here saying my sbeh still uses MY surname and I wanted him to stop. Lol guess what the replies were even though I'm the main carer to our child??

WannaBe · 19/05/2016 05:50

I still have my ex's name, because it's also my ds' name. And you know what? I am going to go one further, because when I marry my DP I am still going to keep my ex's name, because it's DS' name. Because according to DS when eXH marries his DP they are both going to double barrel their surnames which means that DS won't actually have the same surname as either of us if I change my name as well...

Life's too short to be stropping about a surname....

Aquiver · 19/05/2016 06:53

It seems to me like OP wishes she could erase her DP's former life - so that there were no reminders of his former marriage, ex-wife etc. Seems to take a lot of comfort that the adult children will all have different surnames via marriage - just that pesky ex-wife left!

Someone needs to get over the fact that she is wife no.2 Hmm

Salene · 19/05/2016 06:56

I would keep my husbands name if we spilt to keep me the same as kids

I don't see why you should care and it's good she gets along well with him and his family makes for a nicer life for their children

You need to stop being daft

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 07:10

DD2 might also jeep the name when she marries!

diamonte68 · 19/05/2016 07:21

I still have my ex husbands surname. My kids are adults now so it isn't about wanting to keep the same name as them it is just easier. I re married 3 years ago and still haven't changed my name so I am Mrs X (ex husbands surname) but married to Mr Y (new husband). DH doesn't care what name I have and as far as I know my exH doesn't really care either - haven't spoken to him for several years so doubt he is particularly interested in what my surname is.

DH and I own a company and are both directors plus the industry we work in requires us to be security cleared and credit checked at least once a year, if you have a name change it adds complication and to be fair I really can't see any benefit of going through that. I am not defined by my name and I definitely don't think of it as me having something of my exH's. My ex husband is re married and his new wife took his surname, I have never met her and have no idea if she is bothered that I still have his surname.

Dh's ex wife has never changed her name either but has never re married so maybe she will if she re marries, who knows. She is also still very close to DH's mum and extended family but I have never felt threatened by that. Maybe it's different for me as both exh and dh have common surnames so (think Smith and Jones as an example) so there are numerous other people with the same surname, maybe I would feel different if the surname was more unique.

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 07:25

The name issue is a bit of a red herring anyway - the insecurity of the OP is palpable ('wife no 2' Hmm) and it's seemingly not going to go away anytime soon.

These exes seem to be on good terms, they are parents of the children they have together, 'wife no. 1' seems to get on very well with her ex-

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 07:27

Posted too soon!

Gets on well with her ex-h's family - even if she reverted to her maiden name tomorrow, she's still going to be a significant feature in their lives, and I don't think the OP can handle that at all.

Janeymoo50 · 19/05/2016 07:31

I get it, but think the fact he's still doing "husband" jobs is the problem here. A lot of divorced couples keep their married names.

Gazelda · 19/05/2016 07:37

I married young, after a difficult childhood. We never had kids, then Divorced. I kept the married name

  • because I didn't want to be divorced, I sill loved my husband
  • because I didn't want to go back to being known by my maiden name which had been my name through all my unhappy years
  • it was my name, I hadn't borrowed it, it wasn't taken or given with conditions.

I kept the name for many years, met a new man, had a child and still kept the name (DC has her DF's name). We're now married and I have my new husbands surname. A bit old fashioned, but I now have the same surname as my child.

HavingAnOffDAy · 19/05/2016 07:40

I'm an ex-w. I still have ex-h's surname. One of the reasons is that my dc have the same name. Another is that it's been my name almost as long as I used my maiden name. I'm used to it, I don't have any major reasons to change it.

I still send cards to my ex-in laws, and still get on well with them.

If you & your dp marry you will be wife no.2

YABU & quite silly

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/05/2016 07:47

Do you sign those cards 'OffDay family' though, or do you use your first name? Would you have a pop at your ex's partner when a friend refers to her as Mrs OffDay? And would you still expect your ex to put up shelves for you, several years post-divorce, even when your children are adults?

It's been established that there are sensible as well as territorial reasons for keeping your married name, and I think op gets that. It's the other stuff combined that has her feeling a bit Hmm imo.

GeorgeTheThird · 19/05/2016 07:47

Well be sure not to get too attached to your married name, just in case you need to take it off again because it will never be really yours and wife number three might not like it. No?

catsrus · 19/05/2016 07:49

I never had exHs name (married 24 yrs) his new wife (OW) does. She still has a problem with the fact I even exist, and yes, that I get on well with the in laws. She has a problem with the fact that we were a happy family and that he has DC with me, even though they have myname and not Hisname .

She wants to rewrite history and have exH and her as the soul mates who finally met to fulfil their true destiny after years of misery in the wilderness. Sorry simply not true. We were madly in love, our children were conceived in love and born into a loving family. After a very long time it all went pear shaped and there she was there ready to step in and tell him he was the most wonderful man ever to walk the earth Grin.

It's not about names it's about feeling secure, and I think the op doesn't

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 07:50

Handsome, yes, I think there are some other issues here eg the shelves which would be fair to discuss with the DP. If she picks to talk about this issue, it won't help!

kirinm · 19/05/2016 07:50

My mum still has my Dad's surname and they divorced 30 years ago. Pretty sure she doesn't hold any feelings for him. YABU

spanieleyes · 19/05/2016 07:53

I still have my ex's name because it is MY name and my children's name-why should I change it when I've had it for twice as long as I had my maiden name!
( Although it was quite funny when we all went to a friends wedding and stayed over-there was I Mrs Ex'sName, with Mr Ex'sName and Mrs Ex'sName2 together with Mr Ex'sName ( son number 1) and Mr Ex'sName ( son number 2) The hotel was taken over by Ex'sNamed guests!)