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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 00:51

And agree, title is a free choice until we have only one adult female title

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 00:51

Each other's*

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2016 00:58

Why are women the ones with names that randomly belong to other people? Fuck that shit. The name you get to keep it, just like the rings. You can choose to wear them or not but they are yours.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:03

Because Terry they were the person wanting to change their name for their husbands in the first place?

OP posts:
StableButDeluded · 19/05/2016 01:05

I do kind of see where the OP is coming from..and I say that as an ex-wife whose ex-h now has a second wife. I think the worry about the wife still using her 'married' name a little odd, but I totally think the way the ex wife signs the cards is weird. Fair enough to send cards from 'the Smith Family' to friends of hers etc, but to sign them like that to the ex-h's family is a bit nutty. I'd never send my ex-mil a card with that on it, I'd say 'from stable and children's names' Confused
And taking the OP aside at the party and pointing it out that she isn't Mrs Whatever...also a bit strange and unecessary.

I haven't changed my name back to my maiden name either, for most of the reasons already mentioned. Never thought about it really, it's been my name longer than my maiden name was, it's part of my life now. It's who I am, I really don't associate it with ex-H. If it bothers the 2nd wife I've not heard about it yet.
At the end of the day, OP all that matters is that he has chosen to be with YOU now. He doesn't want the ex-wife, so whether or not she does weird things that suggest she likes to think she's still his wife-she isn't, he doesn't love her, he loves you and wants YOU to be his wife. That's what you have to focus on.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 01:05

Yes orange that was a CHOICE they made, just like its a CHOICE to keep the name. It's not up to anyone else. It's personal decision.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:07

I suppose to be devils advocate here, if the reason was 'because everyone knows her as that name' - then why change it in the first place?

That must take a lot if getting used to. And a lot of admin too. Willing once, why not again? Does it suddenly become a different decision?

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 01:12

But say for example you get married at age 23. You have only lived a few adult years with your maiden name. You are married for 20 years, have a career, friends that know you by your married name, your mortgage/bank/tax stuff all that other bull is in your married name. Then one day you divorce. You're supposed to go back to yourself 20 years ago? could also be a way of avoiding the inevitable cringe moment of having to tell people about your name change maybe. To be honest I've never been divorced so I don't know, just from other people's experience it's not considered weird to keep your married name.

Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 01:13

Because Terry they were the person wanting to change their name for their husbands in the first place?

So a woman changing her name on marriage is only ever assuming a temporary name?

You realise you will now be a colossal hypocrite if you change your name on marriage?

You already sound like an arch-misogynist.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 01:13

And I expect a lot of it has to do with how long you have had that name. If it was only a year or two you might be more inclined to go back to your maiden name (in a year you probably wouldn't have all your stuff changed to new name anyway!!) however if you're married 40 years, it seems a bit strange to suddenly revert back to your maiden name.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:13

Majorly it was a choice SHE made yes - what I'm probing about is why to make that choice. If children are not the reason. What then?

It's just interesting that no one has said that they like the symbolism of it, that it is still part of their husbands or their marriage. I could kind of get that more than the other reasons.

Stable - Yes you are totally right. I knew I was getting wound up and I tried to brush it off, but it just nagged away. I've just got to focus on the way forward and put it to one side. It has helped putting it out there even if I was a bit surprised that the reaction was that a name doesn't mean anything so why get fussed.

And yet... If a name doesn't mean anything why do women keep it?!

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 01:16

And yet... If a name doesn't mean anything why do women keep it?!

Because it is their effing name!

How many times do you need to be told?

I'm starting to thing Alis' assessment was reasonable.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:17

ExW doesn't have a career, only just got a job, no qualifications, no social circle outside her family, who I presume know her maiden name pretty well.

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 01:18

Orange think of it like this- you marry the man you love and you take his name... Maybe because of tradition? Or because your mum did it before you or I don't know. Anyway, you're not PLANNING on one day the marriage ending and having to revert back to miss/ms whatever it might be. But if it happens, you may have had your married name for so long, miss maidenname wouldn't feel right to you anymore. It's not actually your name anymore.

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 01:19

Majorly it was a choice SHE made yes - what I'm probing about is why to make that choice. If children are not the reason. What then?

  • well, lots of people choose to share a name on marriage in anticipation of children. So perhaps that was the prompt to change.

You are asking why not change again, but what's the prompt to do so? A bit of hassle, no gain?

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:19

Er... Think it is descending into a bit of a bitchy scrawl... Think I'll leave on that note! Thanks to anyone who didn't get narky, even if you thought it was unreasonable. Smile

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 01:21

I think you're being goady and deeply un-feminist on purpose OP.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 01:22

Not sure why you bothered posting orange when you knew you would get flamed. So fucking goady.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 01:22

Hell I think the prompt for me would be that I wasn't married anymore, that the name I took was part of my marriage contract. Which is no longer there. Really am going!... Thanks though. Smile

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 01:24

"name I took was part of my marriage contract. "

Yeah, but others view it as their name after years on end. You seem to disbelieve this, probably why many are annoyed.

Night!

StableButDeluded · 19/05/2016 01:31

Well, I wouldn't say a name doesn't 'mean' anything...it does because it is who I am, it's part of my identity. I've been this name for so long that I can't imagine being another name. It's difficult to explain but to me, how I got my surname is so unimportant, so far back in the mists of time that it's no longer somerhing I associate with my marriage.
Obviously, that's not at all how I felt when I was first married, and maybe subconsciously that's why it seems so important to you now, OP, because a possible name change due to marriage is on the cards for you? Just throwing out ideas here, you understand.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2016 01:33

I'm with you on the deeply unfeminist!

StableButDeluded · 19/05/2016 01:39

yet... If a name doesn't mean anything why do women keep it??!

So, surely we could also say if a name doesn't mean anything, why should women change it??
Goodnight!

NickiFury · 19/05/2016 01:42

When ex and I married and had children we decided together that his name would be our family name and we gave it to our children. He couldn't behave himself in our marriage so he had to leave. Why does that mean that our family as we know it should cease to be called by the name that it always has been? Why should my children, who now don't get to live with both parents together, not still get to share a name with their mother? Because it upsets some petulant new girlfriend that he happened to meet?

I would venture to say that anyone who can't get that is probably the stupid one, not the ones that just want to share a name with their children.

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