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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 00:16

I'm same age as the ExW.

OP posts:
Jemmima · 19/05/2016 00:17

Has he asked you to marry him OP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/05/2016 00:17

My partner's ex wife's new kids still have my partner's surname so .... I imagine her partner (ie their father) is more offended by it than I am. I just think she's crackers

What's crackers about that?

I kept my married name, because it had been my name from age 18 when I agreed to use the name as mine I made it very clear that once I did that I would keep it as that and not change it again.
So that's exactly what I did.
Ive had more children since and they all have my name.

Because that's what it is, my name. I didn't lease it on a temp basis.
Even on remarriage I didn't change it I'm divorced now and still use the name that has been mine since I was 18.

The plonker who shares a name with me asked a judge to make me change it and was told in no uncertain terms to grow the fuck up.

Just5minswithDacre · 19/05/2016 00:19

Just When I said 'protection' and 'identity' - that is what voluntarily taking on a man's name symbolises doesn't it? It did originate like that? Doesn't mean I'd want it or DP would give it! Quite OK with protecting myself - and wondering if that is part of me being unsure whether I would take his name on marriage.

I guess I'm just trying to articulate myself, a bit badly!

Fair enough. You do sound excessively hung up on the whole name issue, though.

Are you waiting for a proposal that hasn't been forthcoming? Is something else bothering you that names are becoming a proxy preoccupation for?

Either way, try to let the EXW's name (it IS hers) go.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 00:19

jemima Yes he's asked me to marry him. No date set yet.

OP posts:
CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/05/2016 00:20

Majorly No your style is way better. Marrying a chicken? Probably less faffing about Grin

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/05/2016 00:21

I'm joking btw. Grin

LapsedPacifist · 19/05/2016 00:22

Why should any woman change her name when she gets married? I'm 55. I didn''t. Why the hell is this an issue. Who actually cares in 2016?

RuthyToothy · 19/05/2016 00:23

in a way it makes me feel a little like she's still got a 'wifey' connection

What she's got is a 'mother of their children' connection. That's never going away, so you'll be a lot happier if you find a way to let go of your angst about her pre-existing connections to him and his family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2016 00:25

It's been her name for what, 20 years?!?! It's her name.

I used first crappy H's name but don't use second lovely H's name. My email is still my old married name. I really really don't feel still married to H1. But it's a PITA and I can't be bothered.

I hope H1's new W isn't bothered. Poor cow.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 00:26

At least it wouldn't be able to answer me back and I wouldn't have to share a bed with it Wink

beetroot2 · 19/05/2016 00:28

Sounds like you've never been married? Do you have kids? If you meet someone who has this should be accepted as part and parcel. It's up to his Ex whether she changes her name or not. Nothing to do with you. I personally think its a bit of a strange one to have a hangup about.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/05/2016 00:33

Win win then! Wink

Jemmima · 19/05/2016 00:35

OrangeCookie so he wants you to be his wife. It has been her name now for a long time but also maybe she hasn't really got over the divorce seeing that she still contacts him etc. Once you have his name then she will probably be the one who feels "out of it".

Iknownuffink · 19/05/2016 00:37

If my ex ever approached my and asked me to change my name because his current future wife was upset that I was still using it. He would be told to go take a flying fuck to himself!

It should also be ringing alarm bells in him.

AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 00:37

She is Jane smith, she and her daughters are a family, The Smith Family is an accurate description!

It's her name. She may well have kept it 8 years ago for the sake of the kids but she's been Jane smith for half her life or more now. It's no more logical to go back to Jane brown than to randomly become Amy smith.

If DH isn't fussed, he can be the first mr cookie! Or you can be the smith-cookies.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 00:39

Yep she definitely would not like me being Mrs X. I just want her to back off a bit, it's not a competition! Who comes first, who's got the kids!

OP posts:
Vickyyyy · 19/05/2016 00:40

If me and my hubby ever divorced I would still keep his name. Its our kids name and tbh it would be a bit of a pain in the arse to change all my documents and such again when I don't have to. I also prefer his surname to mine Blush

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2016 00:42

Divorced women calling themselves 'Mrs' are factually incorrect, as well as stupid.

Also, most divorces aren't amicable. If you don't talk to your Ex, or their family, and basically tell all and sundry what awful people they are, why on earth would you want to keep their name?

It really puzzles me and other than 'it's admin hassle' (which is a joke, if you've bothered to get divorced then I'm sure writing a few letters - assuming you can't do it by email - hardly seems arduous) there's no real reason. Other than laziness, bloody mindedness, or some weird form of control.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 00:42

Ahell Mr Cookie! I like that.

OP posts:
Jemmima · 19/05/2016 00:42

As long as he is being appropriate with contact with her then try not to let it get to you. You having an issue with it (even though you don't express it to him) could potentially destroy your relationship and eat away at it. He wants to marry you and he is not with her so try and not let her asking him for help occasionally bother you. He is with you. And....set that date.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 19/05/2016 00:44

Velvet I agree with you. I've yet to be convinced too about the reasons, it's not that hard to change the admin, it's probably worse moving house.

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 00:47

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AHellOfABird · 19/05/2016 00:49

Velvet, this divorce is presumably relatively amicable if he is fixing shelves eight years down the track.

Op, of course the admin is doable if you want todo it, but if you aren't fussed, it's a barrier. More to thenpoint is what we are saying about it being her name, everyone knows her as that and she knows herself as that too.

Majorlyscared1993 · 19/05/2016 00:51

Yes hell, they must really hate eachother if he's doing her favours around the house right?! People can divorce without hating eachother ma guts.