Evil DIL

[wannabehippyandcrazycatlover]

I have been lurking in gransnet recently, to try and understand the GPs perspective and how to ensure good relationships with the in laws but I have noticed a very sexist trend- they blame DILs for everything.

DILs are challenging, keeping the GCs away from them and their sons are the poor little souls being manipulated by this evil woman. I know my DP wouldn't see his DM for weeks if it wasn't for me pushing him but I still get it in the neck from the in laws saying they don't see GC very much (it's at least twice a week btw)

Why do the women get blamed all the time and not their sons? They are their children surely they should arrange to see them and this shouldn't be solely the DILs responsibility?

Surely, you can just say to DPs parents... speak to DP?

I know, it's so sad. The MILs, DILs and SILs of this world are apparently the root of all evil, whereas the poor husbands, sons and brothers are innocents incapable of being held accountable for their thoughts and actions. It's so weird.

What did the people on the Gransnet thread say when you asked them this?

God i read some of the thread yesterday and it was awful!
Talking about buying cards and keeping them to give to the grandkids in years to come so they can say "see, we wanted to see you, we bought you a xmas card and bday card every year" and dump 30 cards on their lap to show it was actually the parents that were evil not the grandparents!! Who fucking cares about a card?!
I had to close it, couldn't read any more!

I did notice the DIL thing but basically, its because their own son could do no wrong since the son is something they made so if they attack the son it's like they attack themselves. I think?

Yep arf, I agree the tendency spills over in attitudes towards the OW too.

I think it's an older generation thing sometimes. I know my GPs are very old fashioned where the woman does everything and organises everything so they probably assume that the woman, ie DIL, will facilitate visiting. Also possibly that some men don't really bother to do the visiting thing and women may do that more. Probably easier than to think that their own son isn't that bothered about seeing them. DH doesn't see his mum that often. I have no idea if she blames me. I don't care. His relationship with her is his business, not mine to sort out.

Is the answer "The Patriarchy"?

Worra I'm scared of even thinking about posting on there

Whisky I saw that thread. I can't stop reading them though . I'm going to have to wean myself off it though as it is driving me mad.

I wanna see the bonkers thread!

You're actually scared to make an anonymous post on an internet forum?

When was the last time you heard of someone getting typed to death?

To be fair to Gransnet that's the very sort of posting which would be topical for that age group.

Threads of "How much I love my dil.." what's the point of posting that?

If they have problems with dils then they would probably very much like to chat about it and try and find a resolution.

Worra I'm very hormonal.

Given how many "I Hate My MIL" and "AIBU to keep my kids away from my evil MIL" threads there are on here is assume there's some truth to it.

I don't think hormonal is really an explanation for not addressing this in the forum and thread where it was posted.

Bad form to bring it to AIBU.

I agree that it would be topical for them, but it all seems to be a DIL is the issue not my little boy, he has been horribly manipulated or its 'a man thing' suggesting it's the woman's responsibility to arrange things. It just got me thinking is all...I get that it's like that on here regarding MILs, just needed to vent I guess.

Its just a cross section of people, there are always going to be nasty ones amongst them regardless of their status.

Can you all stop with the ageist crap, please?

There's a huge crossover between MN and GN in terms of age. Lots of us are on both sites.

What that thread, as well as this one, shows, is that there's a serious lack of consideration on both sides for how the MIL/DIL might feel, as well as true communication.

It wasn't a particular thread sooty just a trend amongst quite a lot of them.

It just got me thinking about the dynamics in relationships and how women are blamed consistently.

But OP - think about how often on here women are told "your spineless DH should be supporting you" when there is an issue with the MIL. That would indicate that in many cases it is the DIL causing the problem.

It's unfair to say all of Gransnet is like that. I've had good and very sympathetic advice on how to handle a tough situation with my in laws from some posters there. (I deliberately posted to get the opinions of a slightly older cohort of people in case I was being unreasonable).

I do agree that sometimes families scapegoat. Whether it's between biological family or an extended family, the reason is usually the same: a desire not to address issues that are a problem within the unit, but to externalise them onto another party because that is emotionally easier. It isn't ever a fair thing to do, but it's not restricted to inlaws only!

I agree with BIWI. There seems to be a view (not just on here tbf) that the older woman must be to blame. She's cantankerous, old fashioned, opinionated, won't let her little boy grow up...

BIWI I don't think I was ageist? Merely an observation that I wanted to discuss...

Happy to be told I'm being UR.