Evil DIL

[wannabehippyandcrazycatlover]

I have been lurking in gransnet recently, to try and understand the GPs perspective and how to ensure good relationships with the in laws but I have noticed a very sexist trend- they blame DILs for everything.

DILs are challenging, keeping the GCs away from them and their sons are the poor little souls being manipulated by this evil woman. I know my DP wouldn't see his DM for weeks if it wasn't for me pushing him but I still get it in the neck from the in laws saying they don't see GC very much (it's at least twice a week btw)

Why do the women get blamed all the time and not their sons? They are their children surely they should arrange to see them and this shouldn't be solely the DILs responsibility?

Milk why is that indicating that it is the dil causing the problem? That is just being told not to take on your dps reponsibilities.

It's the same on here, though. MIL's, DIL's and SIL's get all the blame - it's never the FIL's, BIL's or DH's fault.

That's a lot of acronyms for one sentence

Worra Gransnet is scary.

Justine issued such dire warnings to us all about best behaviour and no swearing when we all got sent over there during an outage. It's just like visiting your Gran's house; They can say mad stuff and you have to watch your Ps and Qs regardless

Hermione I suppose that was what I was getting at- it always seems to be the woman's fault.

I've realised I'm guilty of it too and it's really made me think...

Krampus - quite often (on here) there are posts about MILs and DILs falling out and the DIL wants to keep the children away from the MIL. The DH is expected to support his DW's decision even if he doesn't agree with it otherwise he's "spineless" and "should realise you are his family now". It's possible that on Gransnet those are the MILs who are posting!

I think there seems to be a tendency in society to blame the woman. It happens on threads here all the time - if a child is running riot, it's "AIBU to judge this child's mum" - as if dad's don't get any kind of say in how children are raised or how they behave!

Just5mins, if the OP or anyone else for that matter can muster up the 'courage' to post here, they can do the same to post there.

It just smacks of coming here to gossip about them imo.

"but I still get it in the neck from the in laws saying they don't see GC very much"

I can see how if the dil is at home with the GC & the son at work then the Dil maybe has more time.

But, if there isn't a good MIL/DIL relationship, that's not going to magically change just because GC are on the scene, although some MILs seem to think it should!

Worra it was more a comment on how it always seems to be the woman's fault rather than slagging off gransnet.

I agree it perhaps did seem like from my OP but I can't edit it now.

Just5mins, if the OP or anyone else for that matter can muster up the 'courage' to post here, they can do the same to post there.

It just smacks of coming here to gossip about them imo.

No, GN is wayyyy more scary

Anyway, that thread's already been discussed over here more than once.

Agree with BIWI - it's nothing to do with age or generation, everything to do with control.
I'm a MIL and a GM and, once upon a time, I was a DIL. I loved my MIL to bits and was devastated when we lost her.
I love my DIL to bits too and am eternally grateful to her for (together with my son) giving me three much-loved grandchildren. Our lives would be much poorer without her in the family and I hope to god I don't ever come across as some of those I read about.

I don't see it as gossiping, rather it's something it occurred to the OP to discuss and it came from stuff she saw on there so she mentioned it. I confess I have never even glanced at GN. I may take a look lurk.

Thanks nicki that's exactly it. It wasn't to slag off anyone and not about a particular thread merely an observation.

It's also made me think differently regarding MIL too and see things from a different perspective.

Worra has a bee in her bonnet.
And before you nit pick, Worra - I don't mean literally.

My MIL doesn't blame me. She knows DH is a lazy and thoughtless sod. MIL and I like and respect each other. I always make sure that GC have as much contact with her as possible because I think about how I would feel in her shoes. Since having a son of my own, I've become much more sensitive to her needs.

Yeah that's exactly right Whisky

Busted...

I really cannot see the difference between the two websites just evil DIL versus evil MIL.

Absolutely Blue and that was my point, although my OP doesn't really suggest that...

I've found gransnet really helpful to address some issues of mine but I noticed how the women get blamed for everything much like on here. It irks me is all....

It's not unsusprising that our default position is to blame the woman. We're socialised from birth to hold women to higher standards than men, that women are responsible for all the caring work and men are simply incapable of multitasking, communicating, cleaning the toilet whilst simultaneously breathing. It's an easy default position to blame women rather than challenging the structures in place that hold women to impossible standards and blame them for their husbands/ sons/ brothers mistake. It's easier to blame DIL than to recognise than your son never gets in contact because he expects everyone else to do the emotional labour for him. It's easier to blame MIL than to recognise your husband/ partner is a lazy git. It's easier to blame ourselves than deal with fact that women are given a pretty shit hand in life - starting from birth.

Working through this requires a phenomenal amount of emotional labour & time that many of us simply don't have. And, sometimes, it's just easier for women's mental health to buy into Wifework than it is to deal with just how crap things can be. its also worth recognising that some women on her are projecting their own situations on posts & that some are writing what they would want their life to be rather than what it is now.

We absolutely need to stop blaming women for everything but also give women a break when they simply can't. And this isn't about age - it's about shitty social structures & backlash to women's rights movement

On here mil get blamed for everything.
On there dil get blamed for everything.

My personal view is that they are sometimes exactly the same person. The horrible DIL grows into the horrible MIL.

I often wonder reading MN what event happens at about 45 where the utterly delightful and accommodating woman who brought up her children and watched them become adults suddenly becomes a narcissistic bully. Because a ton of us are apparently going to change any day now.

Just been for a browse - haven't looked for ages.

What I want to know is, why can't we customise the threads like we can here and why do they have different emoticons?

It's been interesing reading for sure. But agree, it's not all of gransnet, mainly a few frequent posters.

One thing I found interesting is that when they bitch talk about MNers on that section of GN, they often fall into the default of saying we're all DILs bitching about our ILs. I think on MN there are just as many threads about peoples own parents as there are about ILs.

I get on great with my ILs, my own side, not so much.

Don't say that Pag, it means I've only got a couple of years to go

Is there a market for "Congratulations on Becoming a Narcissistic Abusive Bully Overnight" birthday cards?

Ooh ThatStewie has totally nailed it.

Am so very grateful to have a decent MIL, though have never accepted that I should be responsible for the organising visits/cards/presents stuff. I know she'd prefer it if I did, but she's far too sensible to expect it!

MilkTwoSugars

I'll say what I like and if you don't like it you can lump it.