Evil DIL

[wannabehippyandcrazycatlover]

I have been lurking in gransnet recently, to try and understand the GPs perspective and how to ensure good relationships with the in laws but I have noticed a very sexist trend- they blame DILs for everything.

DILs are challenging, keeping the GCs away from them and their sons are the poor little souls being manipulated by this evil woman. I know my DP wouldn't see his DM for weeks if it wasn't for me pushing him but I still get it in the neck from the in laws saying they don't see GC very much (it's at least twice a week btw)

Why do the women get blamed all the time and not their sons? They are their children surely they should arrange to see them and this shouldn't be solely the DILs responsibility?

On mumsnet it tends to be PILS and husbands who are the root of all evil so I think there's balance in the world.

This is the case for my situation op my mil would very much agree with it all I think...but it fits her narrative for it all to be my fault otherwise shed be accepting that her son is at best indifferent to her and not bothered about her having a relationship with our children.
I used to actively set up get togethers, invite her over, invite us over to hers but since she became more vocal in her dislike of me and starting on me everytime we saw her I stopped so now I suppose she really does have reason to moan that she hardly sees us but it has become a very toxic situation sadly.

I see this thing of women being held to higher standards as men being treated as if they were mentally deficient, actually.

MIL/DIL relationships are always going to be fraught, with some wonderful honourable exceptions.

Fascinating stuff.

Going by my own experience (2 marriages) and that of friends and relatives it IS most commonly the women who are the ones who keep family communication lines open. There's no denying it. Regular cards, regular phone calls, frequency of visits, remembering when something special is going on and responding, ''ring y'Mum'', ''send y'brother a card'', ''we aught to go over and see y'parents'', ect. Why? Why is this still going on?

If you find yourself in this position and are nodding along - do you have sons? Are they subconsciously taking this all in? Mum doing all the family donkey work? Are you perpetuating this very thing right now? Will your son be good at keeping in touch? Be the one to do the ringing and the card writing? Will you be a MIL wondering why your son is crap at keeping in touch? And if so will you think to blame your DIL?

Good point Eponas.

I used to do all that for DH, but he found it irritating. He wanted me to back out of his relationship with his parents. So I did. I am sure my MIL is a little hurt and disappointed because I was much better about keeping her informed and communicated frequently. But in the end, it felt wrong to be controlling his relationship with his mum. He wasn't happy and I didn't want to violate him or her. Even if she liked it!

thatstewie

Brilliant post.

Same here actually 80K. I did it all while with XH. (We were married 15 years) I'd seen my mum doing it all while i was growing up and followed suit. I got sick of it very quickly but you get stuck in these stupid roles sometimes.

With DH - i think he would have happily let me fall into that role, and i could easily have. We have a lot of respect for each other though and i resisted being the go between for him and his family from the get go. He respects that (He has a big family) and does the remembering for his own family stuff. (90% of the time. Which is about average for all of us i guess )

Interestingly, my DH got annoyed when his parents would come to me first to communicate about the grandchildren, etc. He felt it meant that they weren't taking him seriously as a parent! So I backed right off. I think it hurt my MIL's feelings a little bit, but I figure the mother/son relationship has to come before a DIL/MIL relationship.

I am ancient and far prefer Mumsnet with it's cheerful gels and robust 'language'!
Everyday a school day here.

cheerful gels and robust 'language'!

I like that description gotthe It makes us sound like slightly potty-mouthed hockey captains (probably flattering).

Agree with BIWI and milk. The trouble with both mumsnet and gransnet is that people project and assume other people's situations are the same as their own. Mumsnet is often very ageist (Old Hag, Ancient fanny etc). We are all women and we are all Mums.

I am sure some people have awful; MILs but equally some people have very difficult DILs. Being awkward isn't confined to one generation. People think they can vent safely on both sites but it can become a problem on the relationship threads where other posters just egg people on without knowing the whole story.

PS-I prefer Mumsnet too-its wittier and faster-paced but I do have concerns-sometimes its a bit cruel.

I'm banned from GN