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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
PhyllisDietrichson · 18/05/2016 19:06

I have a not dissimilar situation, but it's the other way round. An incredibly fussy friend, but she expects Michelin starred food but at regular restaurants, Indian's / pubs etc and then complains to the staff bitterly about everything every single time we go out. I find it wincingly painful.

Now I cook and never go to restaurants with her and she's OK with that.

MatildaTheCat · 18/05/2016 19:08

Is it possible that she's been advised by someone or other to get out and make new friends and try new experiences? She definitely sounds as if she has major issues with her social skills.

Can you tell her you are going somewhere extremely expensive for a tasting menu which she will hate but could see her on Tuesday for a pizza? If it's the friends she is after, which I fear it is, that's harder. The only solution is a watered down version of the truth.

"DF, my work mates just don't want extra people joining our evenings and we've agreed not to bring anyone else along. " Then make some helpful suggestions as to where she might meet other likeminded folks. Can't think of any examples, sorry. Smile

HostaFireandIce · 18/05/2016 19:14

I agree with warn your friends if you haven't already! Otherwise, they'll be agreeing that she can come because they don't want to offend you!

clippityclop · 18/05/2016 19:15

You sound lovely. She's a pain the the bum. How much time do you really ever spend with her? Is the friendship just based on sentimental reasons associated with childhood? Do you really want to get involved in helping her with her lack of sensitivity, basic good manners, empathy? Keep her at arm's length and concentrate on those you have something in common with.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 18/05/2016 19:19

I think the 'look I've agreed with my colleagues that we won't bring anyone from outside work along as it impacts on the dynamic of the group. It's a no I'm afraid. But happy to meet up separately.'

If she comes back with a 'I'll ask them myself' I would say 'you are overstepping the mark and putting our friendship at risk. Please respect the decision and leave it be.'

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/05/2016 19:21

It's incredible the different levels people operate on.

I wouldn't want to go to something I hadn't been expressly invited to. Let alone ask to go - let alone push, prod and insist someone let me come, after I'd invited myself and been given a negative response. Shock

NicknameUsed · 18/05/2016 19:27

If you do end up with her coming along again go to a sushi bar or Mongolian restaurant or somewhere else where she won't find anything she likes (devilish Grin)

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 19:30

Op you've been through all this before with this person - you predicted how everything would pan out and it has gone accordingly.

What are you going to do now?

dontpokethebear · 18/05/2016 20:07

Oh Lordy, please tell your colleagues you are not onboard with her coming along. Before she tells them that you are Confused

OTheHugeManatee · 18/05/2016 20:09

I think you have to be direct now. 'No, I don't want you to come with us. You behaved badly all evening. I found it uncomfortable in the extreme. While I love you dearly and love meeting up just the two of us I don't want to see you in that light again.'

CarolH78 · 18/05/2016 20:11

HostaFireandIce
"I agree with warn your friends if you haven't already! Otherwise, they'll be agreeing that she can come because they don't want to offend you!"

^ This, definitely!
What a nightmare for you OP, hope it turns out ok!

YorkieDorkie · 18/05/2016 20:18

Cringey post!!!!! I really feel for you OP. I'd be so red faced in your shoes.

puddingbunny · 18/05/2016 20:29

She sounds completely oblivious to social cues so you are just going to have to tell her what you told us: that her behaviour was inappropriate. Trying to make excuses is just going to read as rejection to her and she is going to keep pushing until she gets an explanation, so the kindest thing is really to tell her the truth.

OK, so then she gets to play the victim or whatever she wants to do with that information, but at least you're being honest with her and giving her a chance to fix what's interfering with her attempts at connecting with people.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 18/05/2016 20:46

I think you should be blunt with you friend and explain the reasons why you like to dine out with your colleagues:
1.You are all foodies who enjoy the experience of trying new cuisines.
2.You are prepared to try foods you have not tasted before with the knowledge you may or may not enjoy them.

  1. The reason for trying a broad repertoire of restaurants is to broaden and challenge your taste buds.
  2. The dining experience does not come cheap. It isn't just about satiating hunger but sharing the experience with like minded people ( foodies)
Ask her if this is what she really wants to do.
BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 18/05/2016 20:47

Oh dear. Blunt it's going to have to be I'm afraid. You have no choice now she is purposely not getting the hint.

"Look Kate, we enjoy our food and trying new things, you were a mood hoover and put a dampner on the occasion, we would prefer to keep to our usual arrangement but I am happy to meet you at X time and place if you fancy it?" (Kate probably isn't her real name).

Buggers · 18/05/2016 21:03

What an awkward situationConfused you really should be honest with her now though..

ScarletForYa · 18/05/2016 21:10

I think she's possibly on the spectrum OP. It's completely gone over her head that she wasn't well received.

She's not going to read between the lines, I think you'll have to be honest.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 21:12

I wouldn't engage with her any further for a few days. Just ignore the last message and let her sulk.

But straight away - as in, now, don't wait for tomorrow - message the friends she's tried to friend via FB and say that you're sorry about your friend's behaviour last week, and explain what's going on.

If she has already invited herself along for tomorrow night, I'd suggest you don't go.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/05/2016 21:14

Agree with AnotherPrick (great name Grin) - but I would add another one onto that list, as she might answer 'yes'!

  1. 'The idea is to let our hair down and be positive about the experience - so being negative about wine pairings (i.e. non-discreetly opting for tap water, with an 'I can't afford it' downer) and the food flavours genuinely ruins the overall experience for everyone. My colleagues and I have decided to keep it just to ourselves'.

The thing is, even then, she'll still say she wants to come. It's so clearly not her thing - she just doesn't get it - and that's what's tarnishing the atmosphere and enjoyment for everyone else.

Unfortunately, it's her mere presence, no matter how much she might try to keep her mouth shut in future.

ENormaSnob · 18/05/2016 21:22

Oh fgs...just ditch the whining self absorbed twat.

Shakey15000 · 18/05/2016 21:30

Ye Gads. If I couldn't find it in me to ditch her I'd just be straight.

"I'm surprised you'd want to come again being as you didn't like the food, didn't grasp the spirit of the thing and made the coffee faux pas (polite version) Aaaaannyway, my colleagues are FAR too polite to mention it but we really DO like to keep it work focused. And being as I've known you forever and know you won't take offence arf- let's just keep it to you and I eh? and if you don't like it, shove it up your arse you whiney twat "

user7755 · 18/05/2016 21:36

Cant you just tell her the truth?

'I'm sorry I wasn't more up front with you but actually the fact that you don't have a very adventurous diet and clearly didn't enjoy your meal makes people feel uncomfortable so they don't enjoy their food. It would be lovely to catch up somewhere that we can both enjoy the food and drink and each other's company and the Thursday group will continue to try all the weird and wonderful food we can get our hands on, which is the whole idea of meeting up'

Lightbulbon · 18/05/2016 21:47

Sounds like she has aspergers- lots of traits in evidence in the op

MillionToOneChances · 18/05/2016 22:15

I think that at this point you need the unvarnished truth. You'd prefer to keep the foodie evenings as just work friends but made a one-off exception and from your point of view it was disastrous for the following reasons... (you'd be doing her a favour, since her behaviour plus response to the hints indicates a monumental lack of social awareness). So future meals out with work colleagues will be for work colleagues only, but if you ever do anything she might enjoy you'd love to include her. Meanwhile, you'd love to meet up next week just the two of you...

NicknameUsed · 18/05/2016 22:19

Can you not tell her that the whole point of your Thursday evenings is to try different foods in different restaurants, and to have someone along who is not interested in eating defeats the objective and puts a downer on the evening for everyone else?

I'm jealous of your Thursday evenings BTW.

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