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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
VenusRising · 18/05/2016 17:21

Work on the relationships you enjoy.
Make sure the plans are in place for Thursday's meet up with your lovely foodie friends whom you enjoy meeting.

Text your muscling-in Wendy friend and ask her if she'd like to meet in the pub next Wednesday or so, that you'd like to catch up just the two of you.

Don't engage with her about your foodie group. At all. Let them know she's being pushy, and seems quite stalkerish at the moment, that she's got a lot going on and seems a bit lost.
She could do quite a bit of damage to you if she's texting and messaging them, so be wary of that.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 17:22

Eleanor another thing to consider is you have put a lot of energy into being overly considerate of your friend and her feelings etc from the very beginning - and she is demonstrating she doesn't give much weight to how you feel about the situation at all. Shock

namechangeparents · 18/05/2016 17:28

Just say your work colleagues have said they want the nights out to be colleagues only and no guests.

As MNer often say "no is a complete sentence".

Just say no, I've explained, it's work colleagues only, and when would she like to go out with you on your own? And repeat.

CarolH78 · 18/05/2016 17:34

Oh ffs, I felt sorry for her to begin with but now she's just sounding like a PITA. Or possibly she is non-NT in some way that makes her completely misunderstand social interactions. I think that may be the case with DH's friend.

Yup, I agree that it's time for the hard truth, unless you want her either forcing the issue and coming along every Thursday. WhereYouLeft's phrasing sounds really good. Have your work friends said anything to you about it?

For what it's worth, with DH's awkward friend, he did back off after their other uni friend had a go at him for ruining their rugby. But then this other friend is like a bull in a china shop more forthright than most, so he was left in no doubt that he wouldn't be welcome unless he actually made an effort to join in and not moan about everything.

RhodaBull · 18/05/2016 17:35

I think her responses are a bit on the scary side and agree with VenusRising that from a work point of view as well as social one it would seem a good idea to keep her at arm's length from your colleagues.

Leeds2 · 18/05/2016 17:38

Have your colleagues mentioned the evening? Just wondering if she is going to try and get an invite from one of them, and they will feel obliged to say yes thinking it is out of loyalty to you.

Cherryblossomwood18 · 18/05/2016 17:39

Can you shift the blame and say your friends prefer it to just be work mates? Although with that I wouldn't be surprised if she messages them on FB.

I would be mortified if my friend moaned constantly about the food and price when she'd already been warned! And to buy a coffee next door and consume it in the restaurant? She has no idea about social etiquette and it does possibly sound like she may have aspergers or social anxiety problems.

She sounds just like my younger cousin, nonstop (almost harassing) contact on Facebook but if I see her face to face she doesn't say a word, if I ask her a question she grunts in response, in fact I seriously don't think she has ever spoken a word to me! (I try so hard to make conversation, but get nothing back) But she's always Facebook messaging me to drive 100miles to meet up yet she would never do the return trip or meet halfway. My advice just avoid!

Kimononono · 18/05/2016 17:53

Sounds like she hasn't got any friends and is trying to muscle in on yours.

I'd text back" actually I spoke about you coming again and they wasn't very keen - they just want to keep it a work crowd. Sorry "

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/05/2016 17:56

That sounds like she's lining you up to be the cause of her lack of social life. Pass it off onto your work colleagues, say "I'll pass your interest on to all the others, then they can get in touch with you if they want."

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2016 17:59

Bloody hell just be honest with her, tell her that you found her company difficult that evening and that it's not going to work, you tried being tactful, she has the hide of a blimmin rhino and needs an hinesr explanation.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 18/05/2016 18:12

I think she knows something isn't quite right OP and is looking for guidance in a weird way.

I hate situations like this but I also feel this is one where honesty is called for.

I had a university friend who constantly brought up 'hilarious' stories about me at university, and we are in our 30s now and I found it really embarrassing and I ended up having to tell her so. She really lacked social awareness too.

HawkEyeTheNoo · 18/05/2016 18:14

YANBU, poor you. It's difficult to introduce childhood friends to work colleagues sometimes it doesn't work. Anyway if I were you I would just say to her, no lovely friend, when we meet I want it to be the two of us so we can just relax.

Pepperpot99 · 18/05/2016 18:14

She sounds awful., There is nothing worse in a restaurant/social situation than someone excessively tight and miserly. Getting coffee from next door - v bad form.
You tried, OP - I wouldn' t bother any more. YWDNBU.

Palpatine · 18/05/2016 18:21

You have to be blunt here. Tell her it's a social event for people from work who enjoy trying new and exotic food and that her tagging along was a one off, it's only for your work group. Also, as she clearly isn't as adventurous with regards to food it's not the right group for her to join.

ElaineVintage · 18/05/2016 18:30

Oi! Nowt wrong with Fanta.

It's the perfect hangover cure.

yes, I only read the first page and entirely misses the point of thread

gentlydownthestreamm · 18/05/2016 18:32

She really reminds me of a friend of mine. Not in terms of the picky eating / money so much, but in so far as giving out all the signals that she is hating an experience / night out, making people feel awkward because she seems annoyed with everything. Sometimes being downright rude to people. Then when it's all over insisting she had a great time and wants to do it again.

I have reduced times I see this friend to 1-on-1 short bursts, or only with her other close friends. I know she is hurt by this but I couldn't take other scenarios any more.

I understand and empathise with the issue of social anxiety. But I don't think it is an excuse for rudeness or selfishness.

JinRamen · 18/05/2016 18:33

Have your colleagues accepted the friend requests?

diddl · 18/05/2016 18:41

I felt sorry for her at first but now not so much!

"if I didn't want her to be friends with my colleagues, and that surely they'd get a say too?! "

I guess that you'll have to tell her that that is their say!

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/05/2016 18:42

She is only going to take no for an answer from your friends, apparently!

She seems convinced that they all thought she was great craic, and that you're standing in the way of a fabulous friendship!

There is no way of telling her the truth - they don't want you there as much as I don't - without being quite cruel. What a horrible position for you to be in.

I would recommend telling your actual friends colleagues not to accept the friend requests (and maybe even block her). Maybe that might get the message across.

springydaffs · 18/05/2016 18:45

God, this is agony!

I had a tight friend - note past tense - and in the end it just got too much. It more than outweighed the good because... she was tight with her heart iyswim. It was all about her. I'm sorry to say it but your friend wanting to tag along is all about her, she isn't thinking of you or the others at all. That's an energy sucker right there.

I am prone when pushed into a corner to tell it like it is. Mixed responses - either the friendship dies there and then or we move onto a deeper level. With an old friend I definitely think it's worth it to be honest. You could say you're telling her because you care about your friendship and only a good friend would bother [lay it on with a trowel]

Key q: DO you want to continue the friendship?

AgeOfEarthquakes · 18/05/2016 18:46

She's not getting the hint so I'm afraid you will have to be blunt. Some good possible responses upthread.

dustarr73 · 18/05/2016 18:50

www.wilko.com/content/ebiz/wilkinsonplus/invt/1141040/1141040_l.jpg

For your friend op.Grin

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2016 18:56

You're bending over backwards trying not to offend her, when she couldn't be bothered to be polite to your work friends. This situation seems to be revolving entirely around her when she apparently isn't too interested in what you think or feel on it It seems you both think her feelings trump yours. Hard as it is you need to tell her the truth, she behaved badly so there's nothing wrong with calling her out on it. Frankly, from that last text message I think she's sounding rather nasty and manipulative. Does she have a history of using emotional blackmail to get her own way?

GarlicShake · 18/05/2016 19:04

I predict she's going to tell your dining club pals that you want her there all the time and she wants to check with them that it's OK. If that doesn't work, then she starts badmouthing you. And it all becomes a pain in the arse, goodbye dining club.

I'm a truth-teller. I can't be doing with all these lies that have been suggested. If telling her the truth has any effect on her, you've done her a favour. If no, then you've lost a dangerous friend and kept your dining club.

I would warn your pals asap, and don't pussyfoot around them either.

Good luck!

YouTheCat · 18/05/2016 19:05

She is being aggressive, OP - passive aggressive.

She is behaving like a twat. She isn't considering your feelings, or those of your colleagues at all.

Warn your friends about the facebook requests and tell them you're telling her it's a work thing only in case she tries to get them to say yes to her coming again. If they respond with any messages from her about it with 'sorry, it's a work thing' then she can't say it's just you not wanting her there.

If she starts with the PA bullshit about being excluded I'd tell her to get to fuck.