to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

[Elena567]

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

I'm jealous, too. I've never tried Malaysian cuisine (though I might pass on oily coffee, purely for the texture because I can imagine it does quite interesting things to the flavour)

Did you respond, OP?

Good morning everyone. Sorry for the delay in response, I was out all evening and it's very hard to post on here on your phone.

I spoke to her again and was honest in the nicest possible way. After she told me that I "can't stop people from being friends", I told her that my colleagues felt the same about wanting only work people in the group. She then asked if they had brought it up first, or if I'd put the idea in their head and they went along with it

At that point I said something along the lines of "To be honest, they thought you were a bit distant, and Kate (not her real name) was a bit annoyed that you pouted and tutted about her when she mentioned the restaurant staff wouldn't be happy if you went out and brought in a takeaway coffee cup from somewhere else" After that the conversation went like this:

Friend: Well I thought she was quite rude to be honest. Why would it matter if I bought a coffee cup from next door, I'm still a paying customer, surely they (the restaurant) should be more accommodating? When Kate said that I felt like she was trying to control me, and was being bossy.

Me: I think you're reading too much into the remark, it's just not the done thing, and she was merely pointing that out.

Friend: Why isn't it the done thing though?

Me: Because you've not bought it on the establishment.

Friend: But I'm still a paying customer, I'd purchased food and drinks from the restaurant first.

Me: Actually I think you'll find tap water is free... (That was a bit of a snarky response from me because I was beginning to get irritated with )

Friend: But that's my right, tap water is free everywhere. They have to, it's the law.

Me: Bangs head on brick wall We're going off topic here. As I said my friends thought you were a bit distant. They're quite talkative, and you're rather quiet around people you don't know. And there's nothing wrong with that, some people click when they first meet and others don't.

Friend: I was quiet because you were all talking about holidays and travelling and I haven't been abroad since school. Then you started talking about Donald Trump who I know nothing about. Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in?

I didn't respond to that as it was getting late and I was fed up with the whole thing, so I went to bed. I woke up this morning and saw she'd sent another message last night an hour later, saying "Even though I feel like I have the right to be angry, I've decided I won't be because it seems too petty to argue about. I think your friends could have made more of an effort, and the coffee thing seems like nit picking. You couldn't tell me what was so wrong with getting a coffee from next door, just that it wasn't the done thing. To me that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for Kate to talk to me like that and to not invite me. This is all making me feel like I'm in Mean Girls where I can't sit with you."

Just what I wanted to wake up to

I think I'd ignore most of it and go for a " Glad we've got things sorted. Look forward to catching up with you sometime soon."

And then I'd probably leave things for a little bit and then, only if I wanted and had the emotional energy, suggest a catch up just ourselves a few weeks down the line.

Social convention means we have to learn to fit in with the majority to be accepted NOT that the majority must change to suit us. The majority want to talk about holidays and Donald Trump so it is for the outsider to join in. That's just how life is. Does she really not get it? I thought I was shit at social interaction but I think I do a bit better than your friend!

She really doesn't get it, does she.

YOU HAVE ZERO SOCIAL SKILLS

HTH

Send that.
not really but Christ it's tempting

Well, she's given you a perfect opening there. Response 'well as there's clearly been some friction I think it's best all round if we leave it there and meet up just the two of us. How about ?'

She does sound like hard work! Is this the first time you have tried to mix your friends and her?

Either take the approach that countess here offered, or be even more honest and blunt with her, if she thinks she can override Kates feelings and decide whether her opinon is valid or not.

I'd go with Countess' suggestion. Don't fan the flames just do a 'glad we've got it sorted. Catch up soon' approach otherwise you'll go round in circles.

Was she a spoilt child? She seems very ego centric to me.

I agree with 'glad we sorted it, catch up soon' and just leave it there. Any further responses from her, I would ignore.

On the coffee bit, you can direct her to this link to show her how controversial the topic is, and explain to her that you do not want to piss off a restaurant owner at a place you enjoyed dining and may want to come back to in the future, just because of one friends insistence on bringing in coffee from a competitor
www.servernotservant.com/2010/09/27/bring-your-own-please-dont/

cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/19/no-outside-food-or-drink-allowed/?_r=0

Also, she doesn't sound like she likes you very much, op - accusing you of turning others against her, putting ideas in their minds? Why does she want to come out with you all if she thinks you'd behave such a nasty twat?

Weird. Weird weird weird.

have you told your colleagues what's going on?

protect your thursday nights and work environment. this friend is not doing you any favours.

Oh god, poor you. I think if you do just reply saying 'glad it's all sorted' she'll send you a long rant about how it's not all fine. I think you are going to have to say something like 'Even if you're right about them making more effort, doesn't that show that this won't work well as a group outing? It just seemed that no one enjoyed this, so why repeat it?'. Tbh, though, at least point I imagine you don't care that much about preserving this friendship, and why should you? When you first started talking about her I thought I recognised this 'dear friend who just doesn't fit in in certain situations' dynamic, but this is just something else!

Contessa I'm so sorry - it turns out you were right, directness would have been better because the OP would have got to the same place much quicker!

she is clueless. It sounds like she despises you, places no values on your opinions or feelings or LIFE, and is trying to punish you.

I think I'd reply "glad we've got things sorted" and then ignore her forever for a very long time. Life is too short for this kind of grief from someone who is meant to be a friend.

She's too much like hard work to be a cherished friend - if this is what going out with her involves (and this isn't the first time she has put Elena though this wringer) I'd start to feel stressed out at the thought of any social meeting with her.

Thanks again for all of the advice.

Was she a spoilt child? She seems very ego centric to me.

I don't know if she was spoilt as a child, but she definitely is as an adult! She's almost 31, but still lives at home (never moved out), and from what I gather her parents aren't exactly kicking her out the door, they don't even charge her rent! I think she's had quite a sheltered life, and doesn't seem to live in the real world about a lot of things. For example she puts all of her engery into her hobby- art. She wants to make money being a professional artist, always has. Because of this she's never had a proper secured job and hasn't been able to move out. She's spent more time unemployed, and the times she has been employed she refuses to work full time hours, because she thinks it will affect her creativity- then complains about money I've always wondered why she priorities her hobby and making friends before sorting her life out, it's like she's still living in her teenage years when we first met at school.

Now I read that back I think I sound horrible I just get frustrated at her lack of perspective, especially now.

Don't apologise for being a kinder person than me Margaret, I would generally assume that your approach is the better one!!

Another vote for "well glad it's sorted. Catch up soon."

Don't feed her drama. She's a gobshite.

I think focussing on the coffee incident mired you in a petty squabble with your friend, it would perhaps have been better to just have been truthful about how her behaviour/attitude impacted on the whole evening.

You need to be blunt and explicit in your reply to latest text and make it clear that you will not be including her in any further nights out with your work colleagues but are happy to meet just the two of you. You don't have to justify not including her on these occasions, nor do you have to make excuses.

Do you even want to be friends with her anymore?

Her blaming you for them not wanting to meet up with her is horrible.

Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in

Wtf? If you are joining another group's night out, you fit in with them and their conversation. Not the other way around. She sounds very immature, none-wordly and out of touch with how to behave in social situations.

Perhaps you could say something along the lines of the fact your friend cannot see or understand why the coffee incident and her other behaviour was inappropriate and would/did cause embarrassment and discomfort to the rest of the group is the reason why further invites to socialise with this group won't be forthcoming.

She's actually not being a very good friend to you, accusing you of all sorts. Sounds like she's trying to wear you down into including her again and she'll probably be sending your work colleagues weird Facebook messages too. All so she can have another evening she doesn't enjoy!

Op what did your colleagues say about her? Have you given them the heads up that it's a possibility she might message them too?

I would either text back "glad it's sorted see you soon" or "really this has gotten too much air time x, liking forward to our next catch up together but it will not be with my work group, it's what we all want so can we please just leave it", to be honest if she keeps pushing I would just lose her as a friend, she is way too hard work

At least, OP, you now know what is actually going on when she complains about groups 'excluding her'. The reality is her inviting herself into existing friendship groups, expecting those groups abruptly to change so they revolve around her and her nonexistent social awareness, and coming over all hurt and victimised when people are irritated and don't invite her back.