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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:38

OMG!!

For someone so pinniky, cheap and whiny she certainly is very persistent.

"asking if I didn't want her to be friends with my colleagues"
you could reply along the lines of "Yes you are correct I don't really. I prefer to keep my personal friendships separate from my work ones."

She's given you a tiny opening - jump through it.

RandomMess · 18/05/2016 16:40

Could you just reply "They felt awkward, I'm not sure why you hadn't realised?"

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2016 16:41

You need to nip this in the bud, and no she's not going to take hints you're going to have to be explicit. Very explicit.

No, I'd rather you didn't come with me to my Thursday Foodie nights. I really didn't enjoy having you there. You spent the whole night complaining about the menu, the food you ordered, the coffee - you left me speechless with your suggestion that you get a takeaway coffee elsewhere and expect the restaurant to let you do that. I enjoy meeting you just our two selves, but I didn't enjoy that.

I know this is the opposite of the 'shit sandwich' but I think with her you need to go in hard. She's going to take the hump regardless, so you might as well tell her exactly why you don't want her there again.

"Judging from how she talks about being excluded in other groups it's as if she thinks entitled to being included."
I think I'd also probe a bit on this. Tie it in with she's not part of your 'work' group, it's not excluding her, she just doesn't work there! Also try to tie in how she is feeling excluded might be because she's been a PITA when included?

I know this all sounds a bit much, but you said she's a friend. Not letting her dig herself a deeper hole would, IMO, be the action of a good friend.

Oh, and I'd warn your workmates about the FB friend requests, and that it may be her way of guilting them into inviting her on Thursdays.

gamerchick · 18/05/2016 16:41

You're going to have to be honest man or forewarn your workmates.

SalmonMaki · 18/05/2016 16:43

Wow! Remind your colleagues to block her on FB. PRONTO. Otherwise it'll just drag on and on.

YANBU at all. She is probably trying hard to find a group of friends, but it's obviously not going to work with this group. Sad, but neither you nor your colleagues are under an obligation to help her given her behaviour and attitude.

Agree about keeping work and friends "separate", fingers crossed that tactic will work.

UpsiLondoes · 18/05/2016 16:46

Actually, my colleagues didn't warm up to you and felt they had nothing in common with you

Dozer · 18/05/2016 16:46

Even if she is, or wants to widen her social network, that's not OP's or her work friends' problem!

I'd just text back that you generally just keep it to the same group of work friends and suggest seeing each other another time.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:48

WhereYouLeft makes good sense.

You are going to have to be honest and blunt. And clearly she has some issues.

I think at this point a good friend would give honest "feedback" - and if she is constantly finding herself excluded from social groups she is trying to muscle into then you will possibly be doing her a favour (if she can find it in herself to learn anything at all about her social "difficulties").

aprilanne · 18/05/2016 16:50

i would not take her again .i dont drink alcohol ever .but i always split the bill .i like my friends company and i would not argue that she drunk wine while i was on diet coke .the coffee thing is also a bit off .

expatinscotland · 18/05/2016 16:50

Exactly what WhereYouLeftIt wrote.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 16:51

OMG!!

For someone so pinniky, cheap and whiny she certainly is very persistent.

"asking if I didn't want her to be friends with my colleagues"
you could reply along the lines of "Yes you are correct I don't really. I prefer to keep my personal friendships separate from my work ones."

She's given you a tiny opening - jump through it.

I jumped through it. I told her that I like keeping my work and personal life separate. She responded by saying that I'm not really doing that if I am socializing with them every week, and that I can't stop people from being friends.

FFS. This is what I meant when I said I couldn't be arsed, because I knew she'd push it. The worst thing is she's not pushing it in an aggressive way, but in a way where it's like she's being 'victimised' and is trying to do the right thing (I believe this is what she believes). An outsider who saw this at face value would probably feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/05/2016 16:53

Just tell her the truth. Pull her up on being tight, too. That's an awful quality.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:55

Totes amazeballs at her steadfast single focus and belligerance. Passive aggression IS aggression Eleanor !

You may now need to go with WhereYouLeftIt's suggestion:

"Seeing as you insist on pushing the issue No, I'd rather you didn't come with me to my Thursday Foodie nights. I really didn't enjoy having you there. You spent the whole night complaining about the menu, the food you ordered, the coffee - you left me speechless with your suggestion that you get a takeaway coffee elsewhere and expect the restaurant to let you do that. I enjoy meeting you just our two selves, but I didn't enjoy that."

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2016 16:56

Stop prevaricating. Tell her the truth. 'OK, I was trying to save your feelings, but the truth is ....'

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:56

bold fail

SalmonMaki · 18/05/2016 16:56

" I told her that I like keeping my work and personal life separate. She responded by saying that I'm not really doing that if I am socializing with them every week, and that I can't stop people from being friends. "

That's possibly true, but it's not up to her to decide your friendship groups. If your work friends want to become friends with her, they will. But give your colleagues a heads up and make sure they do not engage with her at all via FB (or any other means).

VenusRising · 18/05/2016 17:02

"Sorry, it's just a work meet up." Is perfectly accecptable.

If she has any radar or social skills she'll understand.
Do you think she may have aspergers.... Or a MH issue.
She reminds me of a rhino skinned friend from primary school I had to handle carefully. She turned out to have quite a serious breakdown in her 30s but looking back I think we always knew she wasn't wired up like a NT person.

"Meet you Wednesday next in the pub" where the fantas cheap is a good way around not shutting her down completely.

I'd do some VERY quick messaging to your foodie friends, that they aren't to feel guilty about not inviting her or including her.

Just say to them, "hope XX isn't coming on a bit strong and stalkerish, that she's going through some personal stuff at the moment, and that you're meeting up with her for a more personal evening soon", and "She's not really a foodie, but nice enough when all's going well". "Can't wait to see you on Thursday".

Hope they block her on FB also, or she may well "turn up" wherever you're meeting! I'd be careful not to announce your plans too publically... It could explode horribly and end up with you excluded from your foodie group!!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/05/2016 17:02

YANBU but the turning down wine is not a bad thing really and she shouldn't have to if she doesn't want to. And if she's a bit of an introvert too, meh, so what? Introverts enjoy meeting new people when they are in the mood to do so - I speak as an introvert myself.

Anyway, YANBU based purely on the food (not picking one thing on the menu) and the 70p change. That must have been very awkward.

blueskyinmarch · 18/05/2016 17:05

Gosh she really isn’t getting the message, is she? You may have to be more blunt but that carries the risk of destroying your friendship forever. Are you wiling for that to happen?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 18/05/2016 17:05

Bloody hell. And she's wondering why she's being pushed out by her other friends.

I'd ask her why she's so bothered about insinuating herself into a group of people who all have a love of all different types of food in common when she probably wouldn't recognise a sprig of asparagus if it poked her in the eye.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/05/2016 17:05

I'd be inclined to be honest - that the reason for the group getting together is to try out new and fancy restaurants, have a laugh, get a bit pissed and vent about work, split the bill and head home. And that it was really awkward to have someone there who clearly didn't enjoy the food, stayed largely silent and wasn't happy to split the bill equally without making a production out of it.
That if she liked your work colleagues and enjoyed their company that she really didn't give that impression and to some extent has burnt her bridges with the group.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 17:07

Are you wiling for that to happen?
Hoping by this stage perhaps ......

Hissy · 18/05/2016 17:10

You have tried.

Only the truth is left.

Look . You came out with me and my work friends. Moaned about the food, whined about the prices and then woul have humiliated all of us getting takeaway coffee had we not stopped you.

Trust me, there is no way on earth I'll be inviting you out with my work friends again. They wouldn't want me to either. Not when you tut at them.

I'm sorry friend, I know that is blunt, but you simply can't come out and behave as you did and expect to be asked out again.

Food you like, fine. Drink wine or water, whatever floats your boat, but picking and pulling faces, botching about the food others have chosen, pinching the pennies and exempting yourself from paying a tip for the service you had - and they did go as far as they could to accommodate your fussy tastes - no. Enough.

I'll meet you separately at a place I don't care about, eating un-special and cheap food but I'm not going to blight an evening at a decent restaurant again.

EponasWildDaughter · 18/05/2016 17:17

Oh my lord.

What if one of your work friends responds to her on FB and says yes to coming on another outing Shock

HumphreyCobblers · 18/05/2016 17:19

Oh god, she has a hide like a rhino

You are going to have to be blunt

Her responses are Shock