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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/05/2016 11:48

Elena - can I ask if any of your friends have accepted her friend request on FB? If they haven't, and might be considering it, I think I would do as other posters have suggested, and warn them what she's up to.

I think you have dealt with a very difficult situation as tactfully and kindly as you could, and I hope that she stops hassling you.

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/05/2016 11:57

^ENormaSnob

Oh fgs...just ditch the whining self absorbed twat.^

That's a real nasty thing to say.

ceebie · 19/05/2016 12:09

I would text back something along these lines:

"It seems clear from our conservations and messages that you and my colleagues have different interests and enjoy different experiences. I value both you and my colleagues, but in different ways. I have always enjoyed going out with you, as I do with them too, but last Thursday proved to me that it just doesn't work together. To be honest, I am very surprised that you have even suggested going out with them again, given that you have admitted that you thought they were a bit rude and weren't able to find common ground in conversations! I am really looking forward to going out with you again soon, just the two of us, which in my opinion works much better. Can you suggest a date?"

I'm sure you can improve on that, but something along those lines maybe?

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/05/2016 12:13

She's a gobshite

Yup, an increasingly unpleasant one. Get your colleagues on board, and don't invite her again. I personally would be backing away from her, as she is simply rude and inconsiderate.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/05/2016 12:15

I think ceebies' message is absolutely spot-on!

Alasalas2 · 19/05/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 19/05/2016 13:10

I think ceebies' message is absolutely spot-on!

Me tok

BuggersMuddle · 19/05/2016 14:24

YANBU OP there's a difference between 'not fitting in' and being an arsehole. Your friend is straying into arsehole territory.

Having said that, if she can't understand that taking a cup of supermarket coffee into a restaurant the end of your meal is 'not the done thing' without needing further explanation, then I'm really not sure she's going to listen to you.

I have friends and family with vastly different backgrounds, levels of education, life experience, outlook etc. I think that's quite usual for those of us who 'moved away' for uni or work. While I won't pretend it solves everything, basic social skills and self-awareness can cover a multitude. It sounds as though your friend is rather lacking in both of these.

You paint a picture of someone whose worldview is rather limited. I'm not sure how much time I'd want to spend with someone like that as she sounds rather set in her ways and a bit hard work.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/05/2016 14:37

So she freely admits she didn't enjoy their company for various reasons and yet is giving you an ear bashing about preventing you all going out in the future.

Illogical!

Y'know what OP ... (i have the similar weird friend form school days remember) i would either text back the suggested entirely non committal: ''Glad it's all sorted out, catch up soon'' and hope she doesn't answer leave it in her court.

Or

deep breath

Don't reply at all. And leave it in her court.

If/when she texts again and is still banging on about the work people thing i would be honest and say 'look, if we cant get past this it's best if we go our separate ways. Sorry [friend]'.

I am at a stage with my odd friend where we are at radio silence. It seems to happen at roughly 10 year intervals, instigated by her, and lasts for 2 or 3 years, then she pops up on the scene again as if nothing has happened Grin

EponasWildDaughter · 19/05/2016 14:40

Meant to say, odd friend and i are both nearly 50 and nothing has changed since we were teens ... so you have a lot of years of this crap still to come, mwahahhhhh Grin

Strokethefurrywall · 19/05/2016 15:38

She's great value for crazy and self absorbed isn't she!?

I think ENormasNob was bang on the money.

Katherine2626 · 19/05/2016 17:32

This friend is going to spoil something you enjoy. Not only for you, but your colleagues too. She has no place in a group of foodies when she is picky, demanding and awkward about what she eats, and doesn't like spending money. Eating out is expensive; variety is the spice of etc. She is not into any of this, so why does she need to come? I would keep quiet about your next outing and if she asks about it I would say what someone else suggested - it is a work only event; her visit was a tolerated one off, not to be repeated.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 19/05/2016 17:34

Very entitled. You're very good to put up with it.

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon · 19/05/2016 17:38

Have you discussed it with the rest of the group OP
You need to get in there before she uses one of them to get an invite

SooBee61 · 19/05/2016 17:42

Why do you still want to associate with this woman?

I had a similar problem years ago with a friend who was in the depths of depression. She thought she'd feel better going out with me and DH and my sister and other people. She just sat there all evening, sort of shivering and staring into space. The other people tactfully said nothing but I felt so embarrassed. But then, she's not always like that, she was ill at the time.

Keep this girl and your work friends apart!

Kenduskeag · 19/05/2016 17:45

"She sent a message back asking if I didn't want her to be friends with my colleagues, and that surely they'd get a say too?!"

Good golly, she wants it put to a vote?

She sounds completely clueless about how the world works, from drinking takeaway coffee in a restaurant to muscling in on someone else's weekly work nights out with work colleagues... from work. "Well, they can be my friends too!" like she's borrowing a pair of shoes.

If your colleagues accept her FB request tell them she's their problem now, like passing on an ancient curse :)

valeview · 19/05/2016 17:50

I can't help but think there is something missing in this.. I was taking it all in until she asked to go again... thats when I thought something was not quite right. How close a friend is she? and if she was as unfamiliar with your town as needing a tour of the sights, why will she be there next week? and how did she know what you did every Thursday? How close a friend is this? She sounds vile, and an attention seeker, and I can only assume that, like a lot of attention seekers, she thinks her histrionics are amusing to others, and she wants another chance to perform. Seriously, I wouldn't give this nightmare the time of day. Yes, you should be embarrassed, not just by her, but by your insane feebleness in allowing her into your life at all.

Enjoyingthepeace · 19/05/2016 17:51

Op, you have just typed out a private text message exchange between you and a friend, on a forum, to ask for their thoughts.

Grow the hell up! You're both as bad as each other

hollyisalovelyname · 19/05/2016 17:51

She's an old friend.
What does she bring to your friendship? Nothing but grief !
I couldn't bear to have a mean ( tight) friend.
I think it's over between you I think.

ShmooBooMoo · 19/05/2016 17:52

I think you should be honest with her.

clarehhh · 19/05/2016 17:54

Just say easier to really chat without work friends and work friends have agreed not to enlarge the group.

ALOndon · 19/05/2016 17:54

YANBU. No. Period.

PalaceResident · 19/05/2016 17:56

Uuuugh! I know what you're feeling OP, some sort of guilt or not wanting to appear like you've moved on or think you're better than her. Nightmare. Can't imagine why she'd want to go again other than she's irritatingly thick skinned and obnoxious!!

No freaking way I'd allow her back

YouTheCat · 19/05/2016 17:59

Tell her you've died in a freak dining accident and you won't be able to go out with her ever again. Grin

kathyjoy · 19/05/2016 18:11

TBH I would avoid it - try and spin it in such a way that you say you just want to spend one on one time with her, and if she still insists, say that you don't understand why when she doesn't like the food and it just makes things difficult. It makes no sense that she would do that. I can only assume she wanted to meet your friends, although from what you've said, she sounds very introvert so I don't know why. Maybe she is concerned she is losing you as a friend and that's why she's trying to get herself between you and your colleagues - if so she might appreciate you saying that you'd like to just spend one on one time together.

In summary try and be as tactful as you can in steering her away from joining you and your friends, but understand that you might need to be very blunt if she is get insistent.