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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually what she did was not ok

323 replies

TryNOTTOworry1 · 17/05/2016 09:41

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 17/05/2016 12:45

I also feel very strongly that you know what? - Yes we should all absolutely be careful what terms we use when in others' company, and yes words are important, but if people are generally decent and good and not horrendous human beings in their actions or behaviours then they can say whatever the hell they want in their own time, just the same as they can do whatever they want in their own time (within the realms of legality) and it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

This is such an important principle and it's being eroded to a truly terrifying extent by the current taste of society for ridiculous witch hunts and outrageously OTT policing of thoughts, words and opinions.

namechangeparents · 17/05/2016 12:58

Public shunning is definitely common behaviour, particularly among judgey mothers. It's just sanctimonious to behave in the way your group has, OP. And I totally agree that context and intention is key - she was referring to her own son.

HolgerDanske · 17/05/2016 13:07

She also didn't refer to him as a spastic, she said he goes spastic. An important distinction.

Lunar1 · 17/05/2016 13:21

Please don't isolate her further for a simple mistake. How many support groups are there locally that she could go to? I'm guessing not many. Your behaviour could leave her completely isolated.

MammaTJ · 17/05/2016 13:25

Dreadful bullying behaviour in a place where people go for support.

You say she looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up!

There are many, many threads on MN by people who have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. We ALL do it sometimes, without exception!

Give your head a wobble and start being nice to her, and encourage others to do the same. There is no excuse for the bullying you are all doing, you are disgusting!

KayTee87 · 17/05/2016 13:30

She made a mistake and is now mortified. I hope you and others will start being friendly towards her now, she must feel awful and isolated.

Sapph1r3 · 17/05/2016 13:30

This is an excellent example of how to be professionally offended

Willow2016 · 17/05/2016 13:31

Not so much of a support group but a school yard cleek!
Is everyone in the group so perfect?

Poor woman she made one misteak ffs, but you are all acting like petulant teenagers ostracising her for it.

Hopefully she will find real support elsewhere.

Willow2016 · 17/05/2016 13:35

oops didnt see my first post come up, thought I'd pressed wrong button!

so many pages have been written!

LarrytheCucumber · 17/05/2016 13:35

In her shoes I would avoid all of you. Sad I hope she finds a group of kind people.

squizita · 17/05/2016 14:00

I have an autistic child and my jaw would hit the floor..... but I'd have to say something. Even 'could you not use that word, I find it shocking and offensive'.
I wouldn't blank her but I would pull her up on it.

Yep.
The OP and her clique friends have chosen to NOT pull her up on it, but to blank her instead.
So they have chosen to ostensibly let the offensive word lie, but engage in bullying (if it were kids, it would be bullying).
Solves nothing, makes them feel big and strong, belittles the outsider.

And yes, the group are under pressure and emotional stress - often the worst cliquey/bully behaviour comes from working under conditions of stress. Jobs with high emotions are notorious for it.
So we can sympathise with the mums but criticise what they have chosen to do.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/05/2016 14:16

Yes. It was a horrible word, but. Clique and bullying behaviour than you're displaying abd setting setting that example to your children is not much if at all better. To be perfectly honest.

Have you or all your exclusive friends never said anything and felt mortified afterwards.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2016 14:27

Sounds like she messed up and was immediately contrite, whereas the little coven she found herself in have decided it's torches and pitchforks.

I hope she has found decent people to spend her time with.

gandalf456 · 17/05/2016 14:36

I would have let it go. I don't like the word either but, like many others, would have known it would not have come from bad intentions so would have let it go, I think. I would have taken it as having a different personality from the rest of the group and certainly not behaviour that warrants blanking. To me, she was using a very outdated word to describe her son's behaviour. As far as I can see, she was not making fun of children or adults with disabilities so, on balance, I feel the group's reaction is a bit uptight. I'm not sure how I'd even enlighten her on the use of the word without sounding sanctimonious. Perhaps I might say something along the lines of 'oh, I haven't heard that expression for many years...' or made a joke and say 'oh, you're terrible...' and hope she gets the message. I'm sure there are qualities that the group likes, no, or is it the straw that broke the donkey's back?

peasandpudding · 17/05/2016 14:45

I said a word I never ever use the other day. DD being an utter madam holding on to my ankles making a shrieking noise (she is 14 btw) because i dared to leave a room away from her because she had hit me.

I never ever use the word . I'm suffering majorly with anxiety and depression due to dds sn and abusive behave.

It just came out.

Of course dd is now using it against me for further abuse Sad

Please don't isolate the woman

mandi73 · 17/05/2016 15:15

My brother is 44 and has Cerebal Palsley, for 11 years he was spastic, then he was handicapped then about 8 years ago he became disabled........his Cerebal Palsley hasn't changed but society has, what we used to describe his diagnosis 44 years ago is now politically incorrect.
It's a minefield as to what language is appropriate depending on who you're speaking to and where you're from.

igglepiggleisanarsehole · 17/05/2016 15:18

It's a horrible word yes but I highly doubt she meant it in a derogatory manner from the small gist of the conversation you've given us.
I actually think YABU - you know how difficult it is to have a child with special needs and it's an existence in which you're excluded a lot anyway - to exclude her further for a bad choice of wording is quite nasty.

MatildaTheCat · 17/05/2016 15:23

Until fairly recently my PIL would refer to someone they knew as a Mongel. That, to me was really quite shocking and mentioned that we now say Down Syndrome. But, it was the term they'd been brought up to use. They have moved on a bit.

Maybe in another 20 years we will have to change the terms we use or be publicly humiliated.

The lesson here, I think, is Be Kind.

readytorage · 17/05/2016 15:26

Jesus you all sound like a group of horrible bitchy women.

RidersOnTheStorm · 17/05/2016 15:30

Poor woman. Would it hurt you to be kind?

Euripidesralph · 17/05/2016 15:33

It is a horrible word but to exclude a mum who clearly regretted it and was embarrassed even while she is trying to make an effort is vile

I really hope you all take a good look in the mirror

RubbleBubble00 · 17/05/2016 15:55

I live permanently with my foot in my mouth. I get anxious I over talk then say something thoughtless or stupid. I stop dead, inwardly cringe and make an exit.

She's probably not been back becuase she knows she made a massive blunder - you implied as much in your post. It's human to make mistakes. If she so nice start talking to her, get to know her a bit. Perhaps she trying to be friendly to see if she can come back to group without being goven the cold shoulder.

January87 · 17/05/2016 15:56

I don't know, maybe it's a horrible word to use when it's used as an insult but if she's using it to describe how her son acts while he's having a meltdown is it really still such a horrible word?

gamerchick · 17/05/2016 15:56

It's odd as I've found some SN groups have mothers of disabled kids capable of being more of a nasty bastard to other mothers of SN kids than they've experienced in mainstream. It's like they dont get much of a chance so make the most of it.

The steps of being a fuckhead to others. Dare have a disabled kid it's mainstream. Say something off and you're cast out of a support group.

You should have pulled her up then let it go. Nasty.

Then you come on here to be self righteous about it.. Enjoy.

January87 · 17/05/2016 15:57

Btw maybe 'acts' is the wrong word to use, maybe how her son is while having a meltdown, like he can't control having muscle spasm's while he's having a meltdown.