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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually what she did was not ok

323 replies

TryNOTTOworry1 · 17/05/2016 09:41

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Pjsofpurple · 17/05/2016 12:10

You say she uses sarcasm and humor a lot. Well, this could be a sign of a shy personality. I do suffer from "verbal diarrhea" when I find myself in social situations that make anxious. Your (rather judgmental) group of parents would be such a situation.

To be honest, you make yourself sound horrible. You say she is a nice person, admit she was mortified, and yet you respond to her attempt to talk to you with a wave...

Words can be deeply offensive, yes. But actions can be equally hurtful. Her words were uttered by accident, your actions are deliberate.

I say keep ignoring her, it'll give her the chance to meet another nicer group. Shouldn't be too hard...

CanadaMoose · 17/05/2016 12:10

I was brought up in Canada and that word isn't used with any negative connotations. If she was brought up abroad, she may not even know it's bad.

mrsmadiba · 17/05/2016 12:10

I am not going to get into flaming you OP but your posts have really made me wish I could give this poor woman a hug. You've said she's a nice woman, chatty, funny, tries to be lighthearted. From your description it sounds like she realised straight away that she shouldn't have used that word, and you said it was a one-off. And have you honestly never used a nasty word in any context, public or private? Have you never accidentally said something you were ashamed of and wished you could take back?

I really think that you should go find her and talk to her, tell her why you've been cold shouldering her and apologise for doing so, as it is a really bitchy thing to do to someone who is already having a tough time, and she is probably really suffering as a result of it. And if you set a good example by doing this then hopefully the other parents in the group will follow suit. If not then none of you are worth a second of her time, though unfortunately she probably will not see that and will continue to beat herself up over it.

x2boys · 17/05/2016 12:11

the person who said spastic also has a child with disabillities, i dont think saying spastic is ok, but as the mother of a disabled child myself if i went somewhere for support and said something wrong in ignorance i would hope it was pointed out to me not to be ostracised.

zzzzz · 17/05/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter · 17/05/2016 12:13

This thread is going to run and run.

But the basics are that someone who needed to be at a support group has been outed because of something she said - and no one spoke to her about it at the time. And that's sad. And it cannot be right. I wonder if she knows what she did wrong?

HolgerDanske · 17/05/2016 12:14

It is just a word in ^this context'. I pull people up on '-ist'' and '-ic' words and terms all the time, and where a person's character continuously belies values and opinions I strongly disagree with I have no problem at all making that clear and taking an appropriate stand as to my dealings with that individual.

But word, and even opinion, policing in this context is just wrong and makes you, the judgemental person who ostracises an individual in need of support a far worse person than someone who used a term they shouldn't have.

I judge people on their actions and behaviour.

angielou123 · 17/05/2016 12:14

I think the word probably just slipped out, she might not have ever used it before.
Mangetout- can I just ask why you asked if she was from UK?

FrenchJunebug · 17/05/2016 12:19

yes the word was offensive but she said it once and realised immediately the mistake she's made. We've all done that.

Now the woman who is coming to a support group is being ostracised.

Seriously OP YABVU.

Mangetoutisdelicious · 17/05/2016 12:22

I'd have been horrified at the use of that term too, but think you should probably cut her some slack.
Couldn't the group leader have taken her to one side and pulled her up on it, especially if all the other mums/parents felt inhibited?
Do you know her that well? Some people with SN (e.g.. Tourette' s) say inappropriate stuff and are utterly mortified. They may be stuff in the background you don't know about.

aprilanne · 17/05/2016 12:23

spastic is actually the medical term used to describe someone with cerebal palsy .the charity scope used to be called the national spastic society .there is nothing wrong with the word its just the context its said in .so you have got all high and mighty because she said something you dont agree with .poor sod .yous are acting like nasty school bullys .i am the mother of an autistic son and i have heard a lot worse .

Majorlyscared1993 · 17/05/2016 12:24

Op YABU.

I'm assuming you've never said ANYTHING offensive to ANYONE EVER?

The woman made a mistake give her a break. Just tell her you don't like it... You're making way too much of a big deal out of it.

Hmm
murmuration · 17/05/2016 12:27

OMG!!! Just googled. I had no idea what twat meant. I'm not even sure I registered it as a different word to twit.

I'm from the US, and while I probably had a mild unease around 'spastic' as it sounds vaguely medical, I completely didn't make the connection to 'spaz', as I thought that was some kind of 'jazz' reference (and thought it was spelled with two z's as well), so I can understand being ignorant. Especially if she's lived abroad somewhere it's used commonly, I don't think it's a moral failing to let slip something that you heard over and over. Since being aware, I've been trying to avoid mental health-related casual terms, but every once and a while 'that's crazy' or 'it drove me mad' come out. (And I have no idea what to make of the term 'batshit' - which I see on the rise and used by some who educated me about insanity-based terms, but isn't that just a shortening of 'batshit crazy' and so should be just as offensive?) Clearly from her reaction she realised it was wrong. Either a gentle education statement, or even "We'll pretend you didn't just say that word, shall we?" to get across the agreement of disapproval for it should have sufficed at the time.

I'm absolutely paranoid about terms now, after following an article from an MN link which indicated that 'handicapped' was as offensive as the 'n'-word (which my cultural innoculation finds so offensive I simply cannot make myself type). Given that my MIL has a sign hanging in her car proclaiming 'handicapped' in all CAPS and parks in spots with big H's in the US, it really shocked me at the level of difference in offense.

LunaLoveg00d · 17/05/2016 12:28

"Spastic" was an acceptable term until pretty recently. I remember doing charity collections for spastic children and it was only 20 years ago that the Spastics Society changed its name to Scope.

Attitudes change and it's clearly not right to use the word in the way it was used. But some people - especially those who have no personal experience of someone with CP or a similar disability in the family- would still use it. My mum is 70 and said it about a child in her village - she was mortified when someone told her it wasn't the right term to use as she wouldn't dream of causing offence.

Giving someone a wide BERTH (not birth) over one comment is immature and juvenile. The grown up thing to do is to point out that the language might cause offence to some people.

Mangetoutisdelicious · 17/05/2016 12:29

angielou , I suspected it wasn't an offensive term in Australia or US. Just wanted more info before I gave an opinion.

Samcro · 17/05/2016 12:30

handicapped.... i thought that was just old fashioned as opposed to offensive.
no doubt disabled will be deemed the same at some time.

Aramynta · 17/05/2016 12:32

Well OP, you sound delightful Hmm

Your actions were deliberately intended to be excluding and discriminatory. Her words were not.

Context.

Twinkie1 · 17/05/2016 12:33

She knew what she said was wring immediately it seems by her reaction so I would see it as a slip up when talking about the very difficult time she has. You and your peers have made someone who is having s hard time probably feel like shit which IMO is nasty and childish.

sherbetpips · 17/05/2016 12:34

I think you will find she just let her guard down because she is surrounded by parents facing the same issue. My friends often says things to me as her best friend that might seem inappropriate but she needs to vent like anyone else.

amumtoremember · 17/05/2016 12:34

It sounds like you've all been a little harsh. I completely empathise that the use of the word was inappropriate and must have hit more than a few nerves. Though none of my children are autistic, I would certainly hate to hear them labeled as "spastics" due to the sense of otherness it connotes. However, since she has an autistic son herself, do you suppose that the word slipped out and she didn't mean it in a derogatory way? After all I'm sure she loves her son, and so wasn't using it in a way that those with either malicious intent, or a feeling of superiority would? In the context it sounds like she meant absolutely nothing insulting by it, and so if I were you I would give her another chance and forgive the indiscretion :)

murmuration · 17/05/2016 12:35

Well, after reading that article and the comparison, I've been assuming it's a no-speak word in the UK! I honestly wouldn't know, and have to assume its safer to err on the side of not using it.

x2boys · 17/05/2016 12:35

people used to use handicapped all the time words come in and out of use but i dont think handicapped is used as an insult my son would have been described as mentally handicapped if he had been born a generation ago.

SummerRain · 17/05/2016 12:40

It's quite difficult to eliminate a word from your vocabulary. I grew up using moron and retard and spaz as they were accepted and normal at the time. Both as descriptors for those with SN and as insults... I'm not pretending those are good things but that's just the way it was.

I have slipped up once or twice as an adult since these words fell out of use. Moron usually as it was just such a common word for a stupid person when I was younger it just slips out sometimes.

I'm not proud of it and I don't defend the word in any way but if a group of women decided to ostracise me based on me accidentally using the word I'd consider myself lucky to have found out what nasty people they are and run for the hills quite frankly Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 17/05/2016 12:40

Context is hugely important, and intent. Otherwise I doubt if Spasticus Autisticus would have been performed at the 2012 Paralympics.

RainbowsAndUnicorns5 · 17/05/2016 12:44

I think you are being as unreasonable -and a little bit childish - to ignore her
What example does that set the children? think of the children