To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

YABVVVU

Not only have you ostracised her, you've led the way for others to ostracise her (as you say it's been mainly you giving her the cold shoulder).

You saw she was very embarrassed by what she said and that she wished 'the ground would swallow her up'. She made a mistake. You should have taken her aside and mentioned that that word is not appropriate.

Wide birth 😂😂

If you know the woman who used the the word was extremely embarrassed and wanted the ground to eat her up, then you must know she regretted using the word? Sometimes words you wouldn't normally use slip when you're feeling anxious about something. She was obviously feeling upset about her dc's meltdowns.

I think you're a horrible bunch of women tbh. She's never used the word before and hasn't again. You knew she was embarrassed by it. You've made another mum who is going through a hard time bringing up a child with sn (like all of you), feel like shit. Isn't this group you go to supposed to be supportive? You're all cahs. Wide birth indeed.

Interestingly though, she clearly KNOWS what she said was wrong as she hasn't been back.

It being a "support group and all" one would surely know that you've got the wrong audience to make that remark to.

Wow. I sincerely hope you never cross the line with this group of women and have to abandon your support group.

You're all being terrible people to this woman.

And that's THE PROBLEM mimishimmi that's THE EXACT PROBLEM.

They mean stupid, clumsy, useless, uncool, etc much as kids who use the word GAY these days don't mean homosexual they mean "something you don't want to be seen doing"

but those definitions have come from people with disabilities being looked upon as lesser and embarrassing. Common parlance does not make it acceptable.

And how does ignoring the woman so that she doesn't come back help exactly?

Is she British? Because there is a huge difference between the resonance of 'spastic' in the UK, where it's deeply offensive, and the US, where it is less offensive. If she is American or has American friends, it may have been a plain misunderstanding.

Whatever the case, it's not the kindest thing to exclude someone from a group because they made a linguistic error. Particularly when that person might be feeling quite lonely and isolated anyway, due to the needs of their child. it's repairable though - why not just give her a ring, breezily, and ask how she's doing?

Mimish totally agree thy words take on different meanings in different areas so for example a friend at uni used to say twat to our lecturers because form her area it meant twit not as rude as where I'm from.
Words meanings do change and while I understand spaz or spastic might be offensive to some it may not be to others or meant in the way some take it ( this context particularly unfortunate ) equally just because someone is offended doesn't mean you have to change your behaviour . I have a very dark sense of humour and laugh at myself as much as anyone else . In my circles I have a friend who has a child with special needs and she herself will say he was being such a spaz meaning the way he was behaving not his condition . We all work off our interpretation of why we hear rather than the intention the speaker means .

If that is addressed to me Epona - I didn't say they should. I said it should have been addressed there and then but that I didn't blame anyone for being appalled and reacting negatively.

I think even addressing it there and then is a bit much

yes if she kept saying it, yes if she addressed another child using it

but otherwise I think you should all toughen up a bit!

I think even addressing it there and then is a bit much

It's an offensive term for someone with a disability. I'd always challenge someone using it. Same with retard.

I think you and your friends sound nasty, judgmental and self-righteous. She made a mistake, realised it quickly and was probably mortified. You need to take a hard look at yourself. You are putting all of this energy into deliberately ostracising her and it is, quite frankly, pathetic behaviour from a grown woman. What kind of example are you setting for your DCs?

The word spastic was the correct word for describing birth injuries.
I remember my granddad showing me a newpaper article from when he retired.
It mentioned how he was a successful business man despite having a spastic son.
I remember laughing when I read that ( I was a teen). My dad has very mild physical disabilities from birth.
My grandad didn't understand why I found it funny as spastic was a perfectly normal word then.
I used to think retard was OK word to use when someone did something stupid as people used it to describe George Bush. I didn't realise it was an insult to people with learning disabilities. You should just educate her.

i used to have a manager that did that ,cbigs call everyone twats because apparently where shes from in the midlands it just meant twit ,and another collegue was from jamaica where agin it wasent seen as offensive they wre both horriefied when it was pointed out .

In reaction, primarily to how incensed cbigs post has just made me and how disablist in general I think the overtone of this thread is

"Oh it's just a word, people take offence for nothing, I'll say what I want, I have a dark sense of humour"

I'm choosing to hide the thread because I can't be arsed getting into a bunfight and it's raising my blood pressure. It makes me sad though, to see how much TRUE IGNORANCE here is out there still and that most people don't even recognise it and even if they do, don't think it's worth acting on. Or if it makes them slightly uncomfortable still don't see it as that big a deal. The last 3 threads I've been on which had disability issues as a subject have all shown equal levels of ignorance and it makes me frustrated angry and sad at how much society doesn't consider or care.

The majority of people here have said they would have pulled her up on it.

Songbird you asked if people would be as ''disinclined to want to be around someone'' who made a racial slur. Or would they be ''as laid back''.

There are very few people being 'laid back' here?

As for how would we feel if it was a racial slur - well again it should have been addressed at the time. Racial or disablist comments are equally bad.

Are you really saying it's ok for a whole group to be ''disinclined to be around'' ie, ostracise a woman out of her support group, for a word she used once? Without being pulled up on it? Because that's what has happened here.

So sad to see people dismissing other people's feelings because they have a 'sense of humour'. Probably the same people who describe people who aren't White as coloured people.

It's the general tone.

YABU, arent you all MEAN GIRLS and HORRID HORRID people, IT'S JUST A WORD

NO actually they're a group of people who all have disabled kids who she has just massively offended

Anyhoo, I've flown now. Cheeribye.

I don't think there's any need to get so worked up Songbird.

You said using the 'S' word betrays 'a total ignorance of disablism and the social model of disability', and that's true. But she likely was ignorant and badly educated rather than malicious. And if she was saying it maliciously because she has issues dealing with her child then she needs support.

I'd say it equally betrays a 'total ignorance' of kindness and forgiveness to claim you wouldn't have her round for coffee because of it.

Ostracism far outweighs the crime.

I don't see why one person with a SN child should be the scapegoat for the disablism of a society.

Xpost adieu Songbird

Everyone is different though songbird in my circles including my close friend with a sn son it's not taken as you are taking it. I guess you need to know your 'audience' . People are offended by all sorts these days, I don't remember saying I don't care and you don't know me from one post so if you need to flounce feel free .