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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 21/05/2016 19:22

What's wrong with visitors holding a sleeping newborn?

If I didn't let family hold them while they were sleeping they would have waited for weeks to hold them as all but one slept pretty much all of the time.

The one that didn't sleep and cried all the time no one really wanted to hold much anyway Grin

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 19:24

I literally can't believe that anyone wouldn't want their own parents to see their baby as soon as possible, or not realise that their DH/DP would be the same.
Of course OP might feel that way house if she had that experience, but she has 8weeks to go!! She has no idea what sort of birth, or how she will feel afterwards.

houseeveryweekend · 21/05/2016 19:28

Well nothing if the mother is fine with it!
But sometimes women can be in an incredibly fragile state after giving birth. I just really feel for any women who have visitors demanding to be there and hold the baby when they really dont feel up to it, even if they can just stay upstairs the whole time.

houseeveryweekend · 21/05/2016 19:34

Of course Freshhorizons the birth migt be totally fine and she might be out of there the same day and be walking around and feel totally fine with seeing family. I just mean to say that that is not always the case and no new mother should be made to feel selfish if she doesnt feel up to seeing people or letting anyone hold her child. I think family should respect and go with how the mother feels.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 19:36

I guess I looked at the other way in that a visit and the opportunity to show off my baby took me out of myself and wallowing in the details of the birth.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 19:52

FreshHorizons and OneMagnum You seem to be selective reading! Stop harping on and on about a week and GPs...

What, stop talking about the stuff you posted about?

Tbh your update isn't really any better is it? All you've done is taken away the time frame (which you quoted in your OP, it's not one I've made up) so it's still a ban, but instead it's an indefinite one which could be anything from a day or two to a month, who knows?

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 19:54

Stop harping on and on about a week and GPs...

and since you've asked so politely...

it says it all really.

LagunaBubbles · 21/05/2016 19:59

OP you were the one that mentioned GPs and making people wait at least a week in your first post Confused

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 21/05/2016 20:01

There's a hell of a difference between asking people to wait and imposing a ban! Blinking Nora! If I ask my OH to wait before I make tea does that mean I'm banning him from eating? Er no!

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 20:05

That doesn't make any sense Lou. If they are not allowed to visit, then why is that not a ban? There is no alternative course of action in that scenario is there other than completely ignoring your wishes and visiting anyway? In your example you are not banning him from dinner as he can go and make his own.

If you want to have a ban, then have a ban, but don't try to pretend that it is something else.

EquinoxBloom · 21/05/2016 20:08

Such a shame when people with so much support choose to forego it.

I'd have killed for even one visitor.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 21/05/2016 20:10

equinox People don't always equate support, you know. Some of my family, you would have needed twice as much support to cope with the support IYSWIM

EquinoxBloom · 21/05/2016 20:11

Yeah. I don't know. I bet it still beats bone crushing loneliness.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 20:13

If I did have a dreadful birth then the one person that I would want to see would be my mother!
I can't see why I would then cut out my MIL who was the one to have a very traumatic birth herself.

Luckily I don't know anyone who has felt the need to 'police' family and friends, but maybe that is just because they have perfectly reasonable ones.

The one thing to take from the thread is - be open minded and wait and see how you feel about an experience that you can't possibly know in advance.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 20:15

It also won't happen if you have a second one because you are likely relying on the very people that you want to cut out this time!

VeraB · 21/05/2016 20:25

I might sound like a proper selfish cow here, but We actually did this (At my request) I have a v small family - partners family huge! We always knew we were only going to have one child and our DD is the youngest of 7 grandchildren on DPs side and youngest of 3 grandchildren on my side. I watched all of our friends and family have their children and listened to all of the things they said they would do different. Those first few weeks go by so quickly and you'll never ever get that experience again, we said we wanted 1 week. Now when you bear in mind that DP only gets 2 weeks off and you have HV, breastfeeding support and MW in the first few days, I figured that if we had family over to see DD in manageable groups that would be the whole two weeks gone :o We decided that the time was important for US to bond with OUR baby and that just because everyone else has a revolving door of visitors in that time didn't mean we had to (after all, so many people say they regret it later) I'd love to say I wasn't judged and it went smoothly, but I did get the odd comment when family did start visiting. It hasn't caused any long-term problems though. People might not have agreed with our decision, but when I explained they did respect it. This is YOUR time, first and foremost, do it your way and ignore any remarks at it being unfair/selfish etc.. Besides, once you have a child you're judged all the time no matter what you do, lmao. Might as well dive right in at the start :)

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 21/05/2016 20:28

Flowers Equinox

primarynoodle · 21/05/2016 20:40

No vera you dont sound like a selfish cow. You sound like someone who decided on a plan of action based on your personak circumstances and what was best for you personally (emotionally and physically) and your new family unit...

A concept that some people seem to be struggling with on here.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 21/05/2016 21:28

My gift to my daughter in a few months time is to be available when ever she wants to cook, clean and look after the house and baby when she wants

I'm surprised that's considered a gift. For my lot it would be the norm. A baby is born and everyone around mum and wee one mucks in to make sure they get off to the best possible start in life.

2rebecca · 21/05/2016 22:25

A lot of mums don't want their house taken over by "everyone" though. I think if it's what you want then great. My relatives were fine. The day after the birth various relatives came and stayed briefly. A week after the births my mum came for a few days. She mainly did housework and cooking though. She wasn't fussing over the baby and expecting me to make her cups of tea like many relatives. I suspect people who want no visitors have relatives who won't keep visits brief or they aren't good at being assertive and telling people to go home now

kateandme · 22/05/2016 19:00

do what you feel is best for you.and if u need your mum that totally different and diff too to the MIL mummy is mummy and sometimes shes all we need.wait and see. you might cherish people coming straight away or you might want to wait.its fine.its your family and your baby.just as long as your ok as in mentally and this couldn't be to do with a occurring illness of needing to hide away or be anxious at visitors then it is sometimes you might need support with,otherwsie your family your rules.xx

WindPowerRanger · 22/05/2016 19:02

I think you'll find there are women in cultures the world over getting long term established breastfeeding going without visitors being kept to a minimum.

And an awful lot of places where there is a set period during which the new mother and baby do not leave the house and only see a select few people. It's very common. In my father's culture, 8 days at home, only a very few female relatives with you, followed by a naming ceremony after which life gets back to normal.

MardleBum · 22/05/2016 19:34

WEll women certainly used to stay in hospital for a week to ten days when I was born, 50 years ago.

I am not sure that they necessarily kept grandparents at bay though.

EvansOvalPies · 22/05/2016 19:36

I think they did - they were called 'Visiting Hours'

ollieplimsoles · 22/05/2016 19:48

The op knows how some of her relatives are likely to be when visiting the baby, even if she doesn't know how she will feel after giving birth
So I think its ok to preempt it based on this.