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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
SpringerS · 21/05/2016 13:42

The no visitors thing seems so fashionable at the moment but I think that unless you have good reason to keep certain relatives away it's actually quite damaging. I remember when I was pregnant feeling like I should be keeping visitors at arms length because that's what every piece of advise I read said. I was so stressed out at the idea of convincing everyone to stay away. And I was ready to be all mama bear about relatives taking my son against his will.

Then I had my son, and my feelings were so the exact opposite. I had no need to hoard him and keep everyone away. I saw the utter joy he took in other people and the joy they took in him and it became my pleasure to introduce him to his wider family and let them charm each other. It was one of the most joyous parts of new parenthood and we would all have missed out on so much if it was put on hold. Because those first few days are precious and sharing them makes them even more so.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 21/05/2016 13:51

And granting one grandmother an opportunity to meet the baby but denying that opportunity to the other granny?

It's wouldn't be an opportunity for a GM to meet the baby but for a Mother to help her daughter! If MIL saw it in that way then she'd need to grow the hell up...

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 13:55

Chill out OP.

MissSeventies · 21/05/2016 14:19

LouBlue I think you are right there is too much point scoring and she is getting more time than me as if the child has to be divided 50/50. It seems all about the GPs experience and if new mum's feelings get in the way of that she is being unreasonable.

It is worth remembering, although surprised I have to say it, that the birth of a first child is a very significant event for the parents too. Just because they don't do it how you would or did does not make them selfish.

I also notice from my memories of my sisters' births back in the 1990s GPs now seems to expect a lot greater access and involvement. For some almost as if the GC are their own children.

romina · 21/05/2016 14:44

Only one thing to add - OP you say that part of why you don't like visitors is that you don't like being the centre of attention... You won't be - you are when pregnant, but afterwards, you might get almost peeved at how it's all about baby :-)

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 15:57

Well said SpringerS - I am astounded that people will know how they feel before they have an experience that they have never had! How on earth does anyone know in advance how they will feel?
I do think OP is overthinking it.
I met a woman on Friday whose DD was having contractions. She was so excited she couldn't sleep and had had to go out to stop thinking about it. It seems very mean if she was then banned from seeing the baby. Even more unfair if she was allowed but the other grandmother was banned. I really can't imagine why the mother of a boy would be less excited.

It all seems very selfish, especially when the grandparents are then called selfish and told to grow up!!

It is much nicer for the baby to be in the centre of a loving family.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:03

I saw the utter joy he took in other people

Sorry, but a new-born is not capable of feeling joy. A new-born eats, sleeps, poos and cries. They are only aware of their own immediate feelings of need and survival (which includes the sound and smell of their mother).

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:06

I do think that as the Mum of a new-born, it is probably one of the only times in your entire life that you can feel you have the right to be totally selfish. My body, my pain, my tiredness, my stitches, my hormones,my sore boobs, my emotions, my feelings, my baby.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:08

There lies the difference Evans , I don't see why it excludes being kind.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:11

But there's no point in being kind if all that does it add stress to your own situation (which many posters have said it did for them). I think it eminently sensible to set down some initial ground rules according to how you think you may feel right at the outset. Those rules can always be changed as necessary.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:14

I have two young adults, one of each sex. When it is their turn to have children, I hope I respect their wishes as to how they need to manage their time post-birth. I will make myself available and on call to help with housework, washing, shopping, etc. But their time to bond with their baby will their time, as they see fit. For either my daughter, or my son!

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:16

I read an earlier post by someone who said their NCT class said to welcome visitors. My NCT class said the exact opposite, and merely to see how we feel when the time comes, which is pretty much what many other posters on here have said also.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 17:28

For either my daughter, or my son!

And there lies the rub...by the sounds of it, your son will have no say in the matter as it i doesn't seem to be his baby.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:37

I am all for seeing how you feel when the time comes. I am just surprised that the mere thought of it beforehand becomes all about rules, control, and me and mine. It seems such a shame.

primarynoodle · 21/05/2016 17:44

Fresh horizons - and yet the 'me' and 'mine' attitude of grandparents is ok? Hmm

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:47

Why would that be OK? Confused

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 17:48

Noodle by name.....

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:49

Fresh - I see absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with taking control of your own life and feelings at a time when for some, that person may be feeling at their most delicate and vulnerable.

ollieplimsoles · 21/05/2016 17:50

I met a woman on Friday whose DD was having contractions. She was so excited she couldn't sleep and had had to go out to stop thinking about it. It seems very mean if she was then banned from seeing the baby.

Oh poor her Hmm Being 'excited' doesn't mean you get to do what you want when it comes to a new mum just after birth. No one is banned from seeing the baby, they are just being asked to wait. Do you know the pressure some women feel knowing that the entire family is on the edge of their seats waiting to get their hands on the baby, whilst trying to focus on labour. Its overwhelming.

I really can't imagine why the mother of a boy would be less excited.

It isn't about whose 'more excited' its about the wishes of a mother who just gave birth, establishing breastfeeding, and recovering from a huge event.

I get that grandparents are excited, I have a dd and I would love to be a grandma one day and help her through it. But I won't put her under the pressure I felt to 'perform' by my family, especially when I went over due- it was awful.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:50

Maybe you all have difficult families.
I hate seeing the baby as a possession.
A new member of the family should be a time of joy and love.
I see precious little of either in some of these posts.
It is all about control.
No one has said it but I doubt in many cases that the father gets much say because he wasn't the one to give birth!

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:51

Noodle by name..... ??? Confused That sounds rather rude.

Many posters are indeed saying that the GPs rights override the feelings of the new parent, and that by asking for a little time, the new parents are being mean and unkind to the GPs.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:53

Luckily she and the other granny were not going to have to wait, their DD and DS were just as excited about it as they were and keen to show off the new baby.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 17:53

I hate seeing the baby as a possession

You appear to hate seeing the baby as a possession by the parents, but it's okay for the Grandparents and other visitors to view baby as such ??

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 17:57

I already answered noodle on that a few minutes ago. Why on earth would that be OK? Confused

CantAffordtoLive · 21/05/2016 18:00

When a member of my family gave birth loads of family and friends turned up at the hospital. They all wanted to hold the baby, and they did. One nurse came over and had firm words and said it wasn't good to over stimulate the baby. :(