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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 18:22

I am not a grandparent yet, but I have lots of friends who are and I find that they have immense joy from seeing their grandchild for the first time- after all, apart from giving birth yourselves what can be more joyous than seeing your own precious 'baby' give birth?
Maybe, as a first time parent, you don't realise how much a new born changes n the first few days and weeks.
I expect I am being too harsh - some people have toxic families to deal with- however OP didn't intimate that she, or her DH, had toxic family to deal with.

smileyhappypeople · 19/05/2016 18:45

I think you should make the most of all those people that want to love your baby.... Most of my family couldn't be arsed to visit us and dp has no family as he is an only child and both his parents have passed away. We would have given anything for everyone to want to see our baby....
If it gets too much just ask everyone to give you a couple of days after they have had a visit and a cuddle.
Also, get them to bring food! Tell everyone that you have had no time to eat and you would kill for a home cooked meal!
Then when they get to your house, hand them the baby, the Hoover and a duster and go in the shower/to bed!

iMogster · 19/05/2016 18:50

I said no visitors until baby 1 week old. I was in hospital for 3 days and I really needed those other 4 days getting used to being a mum. It is an emotionally overwhelming time and I was exhausted and I was in pain. The first visit was 2 sets of gps, I personally still wasn't ready for visitors but couldn't keep them away any longer. I also had the first grandchild on both sides and had a lot of pressure for an earlier visit. I stuck to it and I am glad.

EvansOvalPies · 19/05/2016 18:50

I think what most sensible people are trying to say to LouBlue is: do what feels right for you. LouBlue said in her OP that she would let people know when she feels ready for visitors, and I agree wholeheartedly with that. She knows the visitors she can expect, whether they will be helpful or intrusive. If she feels she wants a week to settle to begin with, then decides after two days that she feels up to visitors - then that is her choice entirely.

Good luck LouBlue hope all goes well for you Flowers

FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 19:04

Yes- do hope that all goes well.
I think you are overthinking it all. You make be so excited that you can't wait to show off the baby!
Don't assume that the birth will be painful or difficult- it might not be. I wouldn't want to be pregnant again but I loved the actual births! ( no one can tell in advance)

notonyurjellybellynelly · 19/05/2016 20:22

*We could be just be extra mean and not tell a soul that I'm in labour and have a secret few days in peace! Hehe! grin grin grin

There's something not quite right about the hehe and grins at the end of your post. I think you should talk this over with someone in real life.

RatherBeRiding · 19/05/2016 20:54

Reading this thread I am struck by how entitled some family members seem to be about visiting new-borns - almost as though it is a GP's right to visit within hours of a birth. Yes, it is a special time - but first and foremost for the new parents and it is their absolute right to decide when to have visitors.

Not everyone wants to have their labour monitored by family. Some new mothers want time alone, and would feel that visitors are intruding. Everyone is different but surely the only people with any kind of right when it comes to a new baby are the parents and if GPs can't respect their wishes (and OP mentions a maximum of a week - yes a whole bloody 7 days FFS) and put their own feelings to one side for a measly few days then they are being incredibly selfish.

My own parents and ILs respected our wishes when our DC were born. Just as we will be respecting the wishes when/if our DC have their own babies.

Ketchuponpizza · 19/05/2016 21:01

YANBU. I remember feeling like an animal
in the zoo with DS. I didn't feel I could say no. That sharp changed second time around!

There will be those that understand, and those who huff. Hopefully more of the first, less of the latter and some people will leave little food parcels by your door.

Ps: google the newborn commandments. Just beautiful, and so true!

WandaFuca · 19/05/2016 21:53

No grandparent, etc, ever lost out from not seeing a baby within a week or so from birth.

Plenty of newly-delivered mothers lost out on their recovery/bonding time because of relatives wanting to rush to the hospital/home to get their firsts: holds/pix/FB statuses. It's all about them. It's a bit like looky-loos/rubber-neckers when there's a motorway accident; and then tweeting about it.

Yet DMs and DMiLs surely should be able to remember what the immediate post-birth experience was like? The whole shock/exhaustion of it, and the getting to grips with life with a newborn?

(Probably not, if they gave birth back in the day when mums and babies stayed in hospital for several days and visiting was controlled.)

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 19/05/2016 22:04

Oh gosh yes the dreaded Facebook statuses! MIL is a buggar for it Hmm ... That's another thing we need to mention urghhh Confused

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/05/2016 22:56

I do wonder if you'll all feel quite the same way when it's your daughters/daughters-in-law giving birth.

(Probably not, if they gave birth back in the day when mums and babies stayed in hospital for several days and visiting was controlled.)

Husband only in the evenings/afternoons as my family weren't local. Baby was in special care and I had to get my sister to pretend to be my mum at the weekend (much older than me!) so she and my dad could visit. I was desperate for them to see my baby.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 22:57

Oh tell your friends too.

After I messaged friends to say that the baby had arrived, one of my well meaning friends immediately took to Facebook to congratulate me. I was thrilled Hmm

Vixyboo · 20/05/2016 01:02

My parents flew over to meet my ds when he was due. I had asked for space. They insisted on coming over. They flew back a week later and my ds was born the day after they flew back. I was amused! If they had listened to me in the first place when I suggested they aim to come when he was 2 weeks old they would have been here for his birth! Haha people should respect your wishes! They eventually first met him when he was 6 weeks old.

heron98 · 20/05/2016 07:25

My sister said "no visitors" so we didn't go and see my niece. Then she got pissed off because we hadn't been in touch to arrange a visit! You can't please some people.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 20/05/2016 07:31

Vixy, granted it must be annoying to not be listened to but your post is so spiteful I do wonder what goes on the rest of the time between you and your parents.

But it's not just you. There are so many others on this thread who seem to be using their baby to give their parents/in laws one in the eye making something very ugly out of what should be a joyous occasion for the whole family.

There is just so much bloody spite on this thread and the whole thing is about way more than what's being implied in the OP.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 20/05/2016 07:42

There is just so much bloody spite on this thread and the whole thing is about way more than what's being implied in the OP

Care to elaborate? ...

OP posts:
Blu · 20/05/2016 08:06

I was on the phone to family members when I was 9cm dilated, and didn't mention I was in labour, to fend of the constant enquiries. Also I had a primordial need for privacy.

2rebecca · 20/05/2016 09:23

Not telling people when you are in labour unless you need babysitters used to be common. With my kids we just told people the morning after they were born. I found out about my nephew's birth the day after as well. You don't have to do constant facebook updates. leave your phones at home and tell people at a civilised hour the next day. I'd say brief visits for grandparents only in the first week. Having your mum help is different to "visitors". Really it's up to you and your husband. Some people seem to feel once they have a child the house and time isn't their own any more and feel obliged to see extended family all the time. I never felt this but did move away. Just ensure your husband is prepared to politely show visitors the door if they're not understanding "brief" visit. Visitors don't have to be scary in the first week if you remain firmly in control of your own home.

2rebecca · 20/05/2016 09:26

I was overdue with both mine and told family members not to phone to see if I'd gone in to labour and said I'd notify them after the birth. My SIL did the same.

Mulu52 · 20/05/2016 09:45

So wanted to join this thread. When I had my 2 (children of the 90's) all the family wanted to visit asap but no one asked what I wanted. I looked and felt like a zombie... I even felt I had to cook a roast dinner for 8 on day 2 and I didn't eat it I just wanted to sleep and enjoy the quiet (yes it was quiet at first). My gift to my daughter in a few months time is to be available when ever she wants to cook, clean and look after the house and baby when she wants to give her time to rest but keep out the way. I know not everybody has that luxury but I've been there for my sister in law when she struggled to cope and helped her say no to constant pleas to visit.

GillKC · 21/05/2016 11:23

I had dd2 at home my nasty ex sil came round when she'd been told not to and she ate my pizza! Then when I had 3 dc she did it again. Got my own back though, my sister and I did not recognise her at 2 dd wedding and we told her so.
Heard a noise downstairs when 2dd born and us both in bed asleep. Found lovely friend doing a pile, a WTF pile, of washing up. Let your mates in I say

MardleBum · 21/05/2016 12:17

I even felt I had to cook a roast dinner for 8 on day 2 and I didn't eat it I just wanted to sleep

Why on earth did you 'feel' you should have to do that? I highly doubt anybody else expected you do cook and host dinner for 8 two days after having a baby. Confused

Sorry but that smacks a little of martyrdom to me. You seem to be complaining because you chose or offered to do something completely unnecessary and nobody insisted on stopping you.

MissSeventies · 21/05/2016 12:21

Newmumwithquestions "Just because a new baby is family doesn't mean you have the right to barge into someone's life and invade one of their most precious times." You are exactly right! A lot of GPs here seem to feel that because the child is family that gives them the right to barge in and ignore how the new mum might be feeling. If she feels she is not up to visitors she is being selfish and ruining your experience!

With both my children my DH sent a photo to both sets of GPs as soon as they were born, made a quick phone call to both to let them know everyone was ok and said we would be in touch again later. I called my mum about an hour and a half after to chat and fill her in on how things went. Both times though FIL rang the phone constantly after first phone call. DH sent a couple of texts to say give us this time we will be in touch later, but still the calls kept coming into the night until DH had to switch the phone off. Instead of enjoying those first few moments with our children we ended up talking about what the hell was going on with FIL. I felt and still do he intruded on a special moment for us, caused unnecessary stress and made it all about him.

I still think OP is not being unreasonable, it all depends on the person and what the relatives are like.

primarynoodle · 21/05/2016 13:32

Miss seventies i absolutely agree. Shocking levels of entitlement and selfishness from some mner grandparents on here.

Fwiw my dad i know will be disappointed that he will have to wait a few days because he will be excited but he would never show that or say anything because i know his care and respect for what i want and need will override his personal excitement. Shame that cant be said for some others! (And will not be the case for my mum who will be a nightmare and make it all about how upset she is Hmm)

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 13:35

Unless your visitors are likely to be utter pains in the arses who'd expect to be waited on hand on foot I think it does seem very precious to keep everyone away for a week. And granting one grandmother an opportunity to meet the baby but denying that opportunity to the other granny? Mean.

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