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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:04

And then negated it with that very sentence. I hate seeing the baby as a possession

You are accusing new parents of being unkind and controlling, yet aren't visitors being controlling if they insist upon visiting? So where should the line be drawn between kindness and being controlling ... on either side? No-one is suggesting a Ban on visitors, merely asking for a little time, if they need it to get to grips with their new lives together. I really do not see anything wrong with that at all. If you want visitors straight away, then that's absolutely fine. But if you don't, quite frankly, it is your call. It is not the baby being seen as a possession, but the new Mum nursing her sore bits and hormones, as much as anything.

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 18:04

FreshHorizons I can only presume that a lot of people who baton down the hatches post birth must come from very odd and difficult families. Luckily this is foreign to me.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:07

Mitzy - I think that is the point. Some people actually do. You may not, and that's great for you. But some people do. And it is not something that should be sneered at, quite frankly.

ollieplimsoles · 21/05/2016 18:09

Luckily she and the other granny were not going to have to wait, their DD and DS were just as excited about it as they were and keen to show off the new baby.

Oh great, so she had a good birth, felt well enough to see visitors, wanted to pass her baby around and git on well with her family. Its not like that for some of us.

Read my posts about my mil, we had to tell hospital staff to keep her away.

ollieplimsoles · 21/05/2016 18:11

their DD and DS were just as excited about it as they were

Christ, they were probably more excited, since they were the ones actually having the baby...

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 18:11

Evans if you think I'm sneering that's your issue, quite frankly.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:15

Not an issue at all, Mitzy - just a rather unfortunate attitude I've detected. Nothing more. Smile

I can only presume that a lot of people who baton down the hatches post birth must come from very odd and difficult families. Luckily this is foreign to me For instance, this does sound a bit sneery to me, tbph

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 18:15

No-one is suggesting a Ban on visitors, merely asking for a little time

I'm confused then as to why being told not to come and visit is not a ban on visiting? It is a ban, you just don't want to call a spade a spade.

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 18:16

And your bossy attitude Evans? Is that to be admired?

I think not.

Tut tut.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:18

I think politely asking people for a little time before visiting is very different from being told not to come. It's all in the wording. Visitors are not going to suffer by being asked to wait for a couple of days before descending.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 18:19

But they are being told not to come. It's the same thing no matter what colour wrapping paper you choose to tie it up in.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:19

Mitzy if you think I'm being bossy, that's your issue, quite frankly Wink

I thought I was being rather polite.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:21

In the end, it all comes down to family dynamics and how the new parents feel. And it is ultimately their choice.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 18:21

Maybe it's just the way I was brought up.

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2016 18:24

You think you've been polite? Interesting. You don't 'read' as polite.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:24

Maybe it's just the way I was brought up

Baby Blues can also have an impact on how a new Mum feels, of course. Not always to do with how one was brought up. I mentioned further back that my own parents live 200 miles away so weren't able to visit immediately. I would have loved them to be here at that time, as they would have been very helpful and supportive.

EvansOvalPies · 21/05/2016 18:28

You think you've been polite? Interesting. You don't 'read' as polite
What a shame you think that. I'm so upset!

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 18:32

If the baby is not a possession it doesn't make sense that grandparents and friends treat it like one, any more than it does the parents.
Foreign to me Mitzy - it must be down to having difficult family and friends.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 18:34

Baby blues may have an impact but OP is 8 weeks before the birth and doesn't know how she will feel.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 21/05/2016 18:36

Without reading really far back (which I can't be bothered to do), I'm struggling to see what you are saying Evans - i'm not sure if you are contradicting yourself or if I'm just getting confused.

As I see it the OP and many others on the thread have not been talking about a few days or a nice request to give them a little time to get settled. I think that is perfectly possible and achievable but for good grace and making it more workable, I think that "special" parties. i.e. grandparents and/or siblings should be given the opportunity to say their congratulations and view the new baby during a very brief visit. and then asked to give the new family time to settle before any longer visits. If the new family in that time choose to invite one of their mum's over to help then that is also perfectly fair.

What is instead proposed is that for a week or more , all visitors are banned which the possible exception of the new mum's mum. I think that isn't nice or kind or fair.

Sallystyle · 21/05/2016 18:43

It's seems crazy to me to not let parents visit the baby until a week has gone by.

I don't understand it at all. I just handed the baby over for a cuddle and sat there not entertaining anyone or caring what I looked like. If I wanted them to leave I would have politely told them I needed some space.

Unless you have crazy family who would ignore a polite request of a short visit I don't understand why a quick visit would cause so much stress.

If I was in a lot of pain or the sort of person who really cared that I looked like crap I would have gone upstairs and enjoyed some time alone while DH had the baby. My mum and PIL were so excited to meet the new babies and I couldn't imagine telling them they had to wait a week unless there were health concerns with the baby that meant visitors had to keep away for the baby's safety.

I see no reason why the father can't deal with the visitors while mum takes advantage of the alone time for 20 minutes if she doesn't want to see anyone. Baby can be taken to mum if she is BF and baby needs a feed.

I will never understand making parents wait for a week to see their grandchild unless the parents are toxic or something. There are ways around it so mum doesn't have to see them if she doesn't want to but the grandparents get to see their grandchild and the husband gets to see his parents.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 18:44

Exactly OneMagnum - there are ways of doing it and your way sounds much kinder.
However OP's family do sound the 'difficult' sort , but then so does she if she wants to treat grandparents differently.

FreshHorizons · 21/05/2016 18:47

Hooray for common sense U2HastheEdge. So simple.
Maybe OP doesn't realise how much the baby will change in a week because a week isn't long in other circumstances.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 21/05/2016 19:14

FreshHorizons and OneMagnum You seem to be selective reading! Stop harping on and on about a week and GPs...

I think we know what we're going to do now. We're going to tell everyone not to come to the hospital or to turn up at the house. We'll give them a call when we're ready for a visit and won't mention a time frame. Like others have said, 'I'll see how I feel'. When we do feel up to visitors it'll be a quick half hour hello and a quick cuddle IF baby is awake. I like the suggestion of not disturbing the sleeping baby! (My aunty has also advised this and my mum).

I think that's polite enough, no mention of a week now just a see how I feel :)

OP posts:
houseeveryweekend · 21/05/2016 19:17

Literally cant believe that anyone would think it was 'bossy' to tell visitors not to come and see YOUR newborn baby. Im sorry, i was in labour three days, lost a pint of blood, tore badly, got infected and was unable to even stand for several weeks. Not to mention my mental state which was ridiculous, i was hallucinating, had to be visited by the crisis team and put on medication. You know what not everyone has a great experience of childbirth and neither do they want to have to explain it to every rabid guest that feels entitled to come and paw mother and baby in that first week. If someone tells you they dont want any guests then i really think you need to have the decency to respect that. Even if you are a very close relative.

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