Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to retract my RSVP?

128 replies

Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:14

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 16/05/2016 17:18

I think I would. It's a bit thoughtless of them expecting you to go to all that effort and expense for a half arsed invite.

Save your money and annual leave for a proper holiday.

Lemonblast · 16/05/2016 17:20

Not unreasonable in the circumstances at all. Hate 'evening only' second class citizen weddings. People should learn to budget accordingly.

TheWitTank · 16/05/2016 17:21

Yanbu, I would retract the rsvp too. Only two sets of partners not invited? That's a bit odd.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 16/05/2016 17:23

A 6 hour trek and your not invited to the whole thing? Hmm ridiculous. Don't go

OurBlanche · 16/05/2016 17:27

Just write to her, apologise profusely and explain that, when you went to book time off, hotel rooms etc etc, you realised that you simply could not afford to attend.

Apologise again, wish her a beautiful day, send her a lovely pressie... and then move on.

GoringBit · 16/05/2016 17:27

An evening only invitation when you've got a six-hour round trip. Bugger that, I'd retract. YANBU.

BackforGood · 16/05/2016 17:30

YABU to change your mind because of your perception that you aren't in the right 'bracket' of guests. If you were happy to make the arrangements when you thought that was all that was happening, then it should make no difference what other people are doing.
It is perfectly valid to have turned down the invitation in the first place, what with you living so far away and the fact you can't stay with family but that's not the reason, is it?
Seems very churlish to turn it down because you feel you ought to rank higher.

lastqueenofscotland · 16/05/2016 17:31

Yanbu I don't mind "evening only" or whatever per say,. I've been to two that were like that in both cases the actual ceremony was just the couple and their parents/children/siblings.

Original poster
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:33

I feel a bit better now. Thanks!

So, next question: how do I phrase it?

I'm worried if I just say it how it is then it's going to seem like I'm being petty.

I'm a chronic over-thinker and worry far too much, so feel free to tell me to woman up!

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 16/05/2016 17:34

But op has been invited to day and not evening, hasn't she, ie the other way around to normal?

Original poster
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:37

BackForGood - I'm not changing my mind because we aren't invited. I've already said I understand about budgets and inviting who you want. It's just that with nearly all my other friends busy that evening, we will have nothing to do, and it's a long journey and a lot of money for probably under an hour of wedding and not a lot else. Especially on our anniversary.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 16/05/2016 17:38

Dear Bride-to-be,

I am very sorry but I have made a mistake. I excitedly accepted your wedding invitation without even thinking about the logistics of the day. I am now mortified to have to apologise and tell you that now I have looked at it properly we simply cannot afford to come up.

I hope you have a lovely day, I am so very sorry that we cannot make it.

Yours, Hagrid the Horrible

Original poster
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:40

Yes, Hopeful, just the ceremony. I wouldn't question going down for the evening do only, but 12 hours travelling and a few hundred quid for 30-45 mins in the middle of the afternoon.
We could have a nice (delayed honeymoon) weekend away for that

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 16/05/2016 17:40

OP has been invited to ceremony and then evening, not ceremony, breakfast plus evening if I understand correctly.

Original poster
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:42

Hey!! I'm not horrible, ha ha!

I'm not keen on mentioning it being about money, as we will probably still go away. It's more about the rest of the weekend being a bit of a waste

OP posts:
BaronessEllaSaturday · 16/05/2016 17:43

Op have you confirmed with the couple exactly what you have been invited to because the reception to me is the meal.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/05/2016 17:45

Don't go, tell them that yiu are very sorry that you will not be able to make their wedding, leave it at that!

Original poster
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 17:45

I haven't been invited to the reception. Just the ceremony and a reception drink - still in the church, so not somewhere we could have more than a glass of whatever they serve

OP posts:
sepa · 16/05/2016 17:47

That's a bit odd. I wonder why it's that way round?
Just explain that you can't afford it and apologise. They will easily fill a place in the actual ceremony so I wouldn't worry too much

Lunar1 · 16/05/2016 17:48

I'd just double check the details. It sounds very badly worded.

Loubylouchirino · 16/05/2016 17:49

Could you tell her that you are unable to get the necessary time off work?

I know everyone has budgets, etc, but I've never heard of someone just being invited to the ceremony & for canapés. What would after that? You'd have to leave while the rest of the guests go through for the wedding breakfast? Usually it's either all of it, or just the evening.

I wouldn't go though.

TendonQueen · 16/05/2016 17:49

Send OurBlanche's apology and plan a proper anniversary weekend away. Then think no more of it.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2016 17:50

Just message her, 'So very sorry, but due to unforeseen circumstances we're not going to be able to make it to the wedding and unfortunately have to pull out.'

I wouldn't go. Spend your money on yourselves.

MargaretCavendish · 16/05/2016 17:51

You say you'll need three days off - do you work weekends or is this a mid-week wedding? Obviously makes no difference to whether or not you go (you shouldn't!), but inviting people just for the ceremony and a quick drink is a shockingly unreasonable thing to do if you're getting married on a weekday!

OurBlanche · 16/05/2016 17:53

OK, take out the money... after the 'logistics' bit add that you have already booked your very first wedding anniversary break and, no matter how hard you have tried simply can't fit both in... you are sure they will understand, won't miss you too much with all the other lovely guests...

Sorry about the Horrible... it was a comic strip in The Sun - Hagar The Horrible

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.