WIBU to retract my RSVP?

[Hagrid3112]

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

I certainly wouldn't lie. Far too long to go for a drink and then have to do something else. If it's not the place you were planning to go away for the weekend then I'd blow it off.

I think it's unreasonable to have been happy to go for just the hour or so until you found out there was more, but if you're now unhappy to do that (for whatever reason!) then there are plenty of polite ways to rescind your RSVP, but do it ASAP to minimise disruption!

YANBU.

And I wouldn't be overly apologetic or start making stuff up either.

It is what it is. And that's what it is.

expatinscotland - Definitely not where we would go for a weekend away. I'm going back for at least a week in August, so it's not like it's my only chance to go either.

MrsMushrooms - I was happy to go when I thought we would have something fun to do in the evening; it's not that I'm not happy to go because there's more that I'm not invited to. I'm considering not going because everyone I could see for the afternoon/evening is busy - whether they are all in the same place or off doing different things is irrelevant to me. I grew up there, visit at least once a year, so it's not exactly exciting as an extra trip for me, especially when the people who would normally be there, won't even be around.

manicinsomniac's reply is perfect. Your reasoning makes sense and I'm sure they'll understand. Much better to be honest with them.
I do wonder it was some kind of mistake if it's only happened to a few of you. Did your friends going to both bits get a two part invitation or was it completely different wording on yours and theirs?

I'd use OurBlanche's reply without the mention of money - just logistics are a problem and you didn't think it through. If you tell the truth about not having anything to do in the evening your friend might say "oh if you have nothing to do then come to the whole day".

And yanbu. I can't imagine having people just for drinks and canapés and then waving them off while everyone else has dinner and a party. Seems a bit mean spirited somehow.

I've known someone who did the invite lots to wedding and drink outside the church, then onto the reception only for 30 people as it was where they really wanted it to be

Drive home after the ceremony and one drink? So no wasted time?

Your last suggestion sounds reasonable : honest but not rude.

It's better to be direct. They haven't worried about upsetting you. They probably invited you on a quick pop in basis on the understanding that you'd have good reason to be in the area anyway and other people to see. As you haven't then it's fine. It's not like you're holding it against them.

I don't mind travelling for an evening only invite, providing you're not being left out of an established group. Have done it once. It was a great night. I understood why the couple didn't invite my whole group of uni friends.

I think Ceremony then quick drink then off you pop is an embarrassment.

I organise a lunch / meet up with a group of folk I was friendly with some 35 years ago. We meet every year. I'm the only one still in my home town.
I wouldn't generally expect people to travel just to meet me for lunch, but I always let everyone know it's on, and quite a few people arrange to be here that weekend, as - they would be coming home at some point (to visit relatives / friends) - so they choose to make it the same weekend that a load of others are home too. I don't see it as travelling for hours to be with me, but, arranging the date they are travelling, to coincide with the date that others will also be here.

To me, this wedding invitation is like that - you've been invited as part of a friendship group from some years back, and if you are able to come it's not really the same as inviting you to make a 6 hour journey to a strange town, they probably assumed you would combine it with visit to family which you would be doing at some point anyway. If that doesn't work for your family, then they probably expected you to say "sorry, we can't" when the invitation first arrived.

I also think your suggested reply sounds fine. The only thing I might add is if you're going to be there anyway in August, then telling them that you'll be around then and that you'd love to meet and buy them a celebratory drink.

Looking forward to update on bride's response

I didn't get one when I accepted, asked when they needed final numbers by as DH wasn't sure he would get time off and asked about a gift list/cash, so I won't be holding my breath!

Oh, they'll get back to your question about gift list/money because they probably invited you for that reason.

expat , always with the cynicism

Ha ha!! Nothing wrong with some probably well placed cynicism!

What is the "done thing" with gifts, if you're invited and don't attend?
Do you send more because you're saving on the expense of going?
Send less because they aren't paying for you to do anything?
Or just do the same as if you did go??

I always give what I would have given anyway!

Are you absolutely certain you aren't invited to the evening do? Could it be the B&G just assume that anyone coming to the ceremony would come along to the evening do and haven't thought to put it on the invites?

It's just really strange to invite someone to the wedding but not the evening, the other way around, yes (which I find a bit insulting, like you aren't worth the price of a meal but you can come pay to drink at the bar if you want).

I don't think I'd bother with a gift, tbh.

By excluding you from the reception, she has shown she no longer considers the friendship a close one.

If you're not attending, no gift.

I'm afraid I agree with BackforGood. Seems like an invite because you are from a group of friends and rather than upset you they've invited you to the ceremony but don't really consider you as close friends. Why else would everyone else be invited to attend the entire wedding except you?

They're not going to really mind what you say. Just tell them all your family and friends are tied up that day and as you're going to visit soon after, then you can't really justify spending 6hrs in a car then 6hrs return on your wedding anniversary for a ceremony.
Are they religious and having it in a church?

Yeh, I'm feeling a bit the same about how she views our friendship. Ah well, it's not like I need people like that in my life.

Definitely not invited past ceremony. My best friend knew about the meal and where it is etc, so she obv has a different invite to me.

Bride and groom are religious, so it is in a church.

I'll think about a gift. Might judge it by the response I get, if any, about not going

The fact you're travelling should mean you're invited to the whole thing. How rude!

Or just ask them for the details of eve reception and see what they say.

Hagrid YANBU. Either tell the truth ' no one around evening so a long way to go etc' or just say very sorry have to change my reply due to unforeseen circumstances. Don't over think.