WIBU to retract my RSVP?

[Hagrid3112]

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

YANBU. I would be annoyed to be expected to go all that way and then be ejected so that the 'proper friends' can carry on the celebration.

If brave enough I would say why - sometimes people are two thick skinned to realise - you can word it politely - 'we didn't realise we were only invited to a tiny part of the wedding - it's too long a way to come when it's our anniversary' etc so maybe she thinks about it.

She can't think of you as such a good friend if there's only two couples not invited to the evening! I'd be hurt!

I'm fully of the people can decide who they invite thinking (am having that problem myself with people telling me who I have to invite/have as bridesmaid etc) but you can't be spiteful about it.

*too thick skinned

I'm sure weddings used to be either full day or just evening do it's all got so complicated nowadays.

I think you need to be honest with her. It's possible that she meant to put the evening invitation in the envelope but somehow neglected to - letting her know why you're declining gives her the opportunity to correct that.

I tweaked manicinsomniac's wording and sent this:

*Hi guys,

Really sorry but we're going to have to go back on our RSVP. Most people we could do something with in the evening are busy, so it's an awfully long way to come, if we have nothing much to do.
It's also our wedding anniversary weekend, and we were originally going to go away, so think we're going to go back to that plan.
Wishing you all the best for a fantastic day and hope we haven't upset you.

Would love to catch up with you and everybody when we're next down and there'll be more time available xxx*

Does it sound ok? Obviously a bit late, if not, as I've already sent it, but still

I think it's fine

You made the right decision.

Yup, that's fine.

The response you sent is likely to ruffle feathers Hargrid but that invitation was really rude.

For evening only invites here you do not go to the ceremony so you have a free day with a really good night out so I am quite happy to attend.

This invite meant that just as the good part was kicking off you get ejected. No offence to brides and grooms but the wedding ceremony especially in church weddings is very samey and much as I love the actual marriage bit the rest is like a bog standard Sunday church most of the time. It is not something I would feel honoured to be invited to only to be ejected immediately after.

I think your response was really polite and kind. Unlike their invite.

Oh dear, Brain. Not my intention at all. Is it just the whole taking back an RSVP in general, or specifically the way I worded it?
What would you have said?? (that's a worried, not confused, face)

I think your reply is fine. Better to be honest!

Your reply is fine and honest and if it makes them feel uncomfortable that will only be because they realise that they have been unfair.

Don't worry or give it another thought!

I think I would have sent the same ruffled feathers or not.

Honest and fine. Rude to have an invite like this. It's not even an evening one. It's just, 'Come watch us, have one drink and then off you fuck.'

Ha!! Fair enough.

Thanks everybody!

I have never heard of someone only being invited to the ceremony and not the reception., Usually being invited to the ceremony means you go to the marriage itself plus the meal immediately afterwards. The reception is later on in the evening and attended by everyone there during the day events plus any extra people you have invited to the reception only. So to be just invited to the ceremony and no meal is the weirdest thing.

You will update us op, won't you, if she replies?

Come watch us, have one drink and then off you fuck.

Spat my drink out at this

Obviously you don't have to - I'm just nosey

Shameless place marking! Hope the bride sends a pleasant response Hagrid!

I know, Laguna, it's really bizarre, isn't it. I'm wondering if there is no evening do and just the meal. Not really arsed enough to find out, anymore, tbh.

Of course, I will, Handsome. I will be very surprised if I do get a reply, though, so no shouting at me if there is nothing to report

I think your message was perfectly fine. Honest but polite.

I honestly do suspect that they missed the evening invitation out of the envelope, accidentally. Particularly after what you say about one of the others not invited.

I really don't think so, Handsome. When I found out from a friend, I had to specifically ask about the evening as she hadn't replied to my message about us going out. She then mentioned other not-invited friends (NIFs) might be available, and I was a bit naïve, and thought she meant the meal was just a family thing, and NIFs were the only ones who didn't already have other plans, so could do something with me and her. I had to ask directly if she was going when it did eventually click.
I am still really surprised about the one NIF, but if I can misjudge our friendship, I can obv misjudge theirs, too.
It's fine, though. I'm over it

If they really forgot to enclose the evening invitation, your response is polite enough for them to query the issue and clear up the misunderstanding.
With regards to a present - depends on if you're planning to stay friends with them as part of a group. If so, I'd send the same present as if attending (actually, I'd spend a bit less), otherwise, only a card and token present.